After three days and 50 rounds of being introduced to a bunch of high schoolers and collegians we’ll never see again, the 2011 MLB draft has come to an end. A lot of people will now scramble to try and figure out which teams did the best and worst jobs with their assortments of picks, but there’s way too little information right now for letter grades to hold any value. The more important matter for the time being, as I see it, is identifying the draft picks with the silliest names.
The Best Names Of The 2011 MLB Draft
The draft is over and all 1,530 selections have been made. So the only question left to answer is, which draft picks have the silliest names?
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First, a couple of honorary categories:
Baseball Would Be Better If It Were Hockey
Trevor Gretzky, Cubs, #219
Brandon Zajac, Pirates, #842
The Polish Unpronounceables
Jeremy Gabryszwski, Blue Jays, #78
Benjamin Klafczynski, Cubs, #609
Michael Miedzianowski, Orioles, #665
Jesse Wierzbicki, Astros, #730
And now for the winners!
Joe Panik, Giants, #29
Panik is the only one of my selections to be drafted in the first 90 picks, suggesting strongly that players with interesting names are worse than players with uninteresting names, and that front offices mostly draft players with interesting names for fun once the draft doesn't matter anymore.
Bryan Brickhouse, Royals, #95
Given that "Brickhouse" puts a certain image in your head, the interesting thing about Bryan Brickhouse is that he looks as much like a Brickhouse as Jake Fox looks like a fox.
Kevin Quackenbush, Padres, #263
Kevin Quackenbush has "quack" in his name.
David Schuknecht, Rockies, #378
Schuknecht is the kind of last name where you know immediately that he's never going to make it. Schuknecht isn't the name of a professional athlete. Schuknecht is the name of a brand of Landjäger.
Xorge Carillo, Mets, #432
Nobody uses xylophones anymore so the letter X is adapting to its new environment by showing up in unexpected places.
Rookie Davis, Yankees, #449
The 2011 Rookie of the Year! This is the only award he will ever win. It is also not a real award.
Braden Kapteyn, Red Sox, #472
I remember reading an article a few years ago asking who would succeed Jason Varitek as Boston's team captain. A favorite has emerged.
Trent Higginbotham, Twins, #808
Note the huge gap between this silly pick and the previous silly pick. The Twins thought it had been too long since the last silly pick, so they went for the silliest name on the board. I've never read Harry Potter but I imagine this is the last name of at least three characters in Harry Potter.
Guido Knudson, Tigers, #857
I have never met anybody actually named Guido. Granted, I still haven't, but at least now I know that one exists outside of the realm of my racially insensitive private conversations.
David Hurlbut, Twins, #868
Somebody had to marry into that name. Seems like a deal-breaker. The only last name I might willingly sacrifice for Hurlbut is Hitler, and even then I might still want to hyphenate.
Montreal Robertson, Tigers, #887
Detroit: the Montreal of America.
Aaron Bummer, Yankees, #959
This was honestly just a complete waste of a draft pick.
Dan Kickham, Tigers, #1007
Dan Kickham is both a baseball player and a suggestion in case you’re talking to your friend Dan, who’s about to be mugged.
Dakota Freese, White Sox, #1041
Meanwhile, Dakota Freese is both a baseball player and a regional colloquialism for that burning sensation you get in your ears when you come inside after a long walk in the snow.
Randy Yard, Reds, #1105
I'm just including this guy because I have literally never heard of the last name "Yard." Mientkiewicz? Kuntz? Dickshot? Sure. But not Yard. Might as well be Randy Desk, or Randy Bookshelf.
Raph Rhymes, Pirates, #1202
I’m looking forward to watching Youtubes of his and Will’s epic, never-ending freestyle battles.
Joey Pankake, Rangers, #1284
Pankake. It's not like there's a better way to pronounce it. Pan-cocky is worse. Joey Pankake is what you call your friend Joe in college, who goes to the dining hall and only eats pancakes. "That's just Joey Pancake! Always eating his pancakes!" It's cute until he turns 27 and still hasn't changed anything about his dietary habits. "Hey how about Joey Occasional Salad?"
Cody Livesay, Braves, #1286
Livesay sounds like the catchy slogan of an anti-discrimination task force.
Joel Effertz, White Sox, #1311
It was all that extra effort that led to his getting picked in the 43rd round, instead of the 44th or even the 45th.
Johnny Coy, Blue Jays, #1369
Maxx Catapano, Mariners, #1383
The ultra-caffeinated version of premium Catapano beverage.
Malcolm Clapsaddle, Mets, #1452
I have been sitting here for literally 15 minutes trying to think of a little item that could in any way measure up to the last name of Clapsaddle. The brainstorm has been fruitless.
Father: So now that we have a stray dog, we need to come up with a name.
Mother: A fitting name! Something that describes his playful personality!
A Five Year Old: Clapsaddle!
Father: You’re the boss.
Travis Pitcher, A’s, #1516
Within the Oakland draft room:
Assistant GM: Brett Anderson’s on the DL now, too?
Scouting Director: Man, we really need some pitchers.
Voice automated draft computer: SEARCHING DATABASE
Voice automated draft computer: MATCH FOUND
Scouting Director: /reads printout
Scouting Director: This one sounds perfect!
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