The Boston Red Sox have been drawing a lot of attention lately, and so have the Tampa Bay Rays, as the American League Wild Card race comes down to the final week. This is arguably the hottest topic in baseball right now, and so I set off to write about it earlier this morning. But after a brief time, the thought occurred to me: the Tampa Bay Rays don't have a single player named Ray! Not one! I don't want to accuse them of false advertising, but this is at the very least a missed opportunity.
The Tampa Bay Rays, Literally
What if the Tampa Bay Rays were made up of only players named Ray? They would be terrible!
Getty Images
So then I wondered, what if the Tampa Bay Rays only had players named Ray? It is with that in mind that I present the partial roster below. Note: this team would be absolutely terrible. It is a good thing the Rays don’t do this.
Catcher
Kyle Phillips
Immediately you will notice that Kyle Phillips isn’t named Ray. This isn’t a clumsy mistake on my part. Rather, I began this project trying as hard as I could to stick to people who go by Ray, but it turns out there aren’t very many people who go by Ray anymore. So I looked at middle names. Kyle Phillips’ middle name is Ray. He makes the team, and as a condition of his contract, he is to go by Ray instead of Kyle. This will be a recurring theme.
First Base
Ray Navarrete
Born in 1978, Navarrete floated around the minors between 2000-2006 before signing with the independent Long Island Ducks. Because his bat topped out, Navarrete never got a chance in the big leagues. Until now!
Second Base
Ray Durham
Ray Durham’s Wikipedia page concludes:
Durham filed for free agency on November 1, 2008. He is mulling retirement after rejecting a minor league deal from the Washington Nationals. He said the chance of him playing now is about 50-50.
Good news, Ray Durham! You don’t have to retire! Instead you can be one of the best players on a Major League Baseball team!
Shortstop
Ray Olmedo
When I first floated this idea in the Baseball Nation editorial chat room, the suggestion was made that I widen my search to include both Rays and Reys. That would give me the option to look at guys like, I dunno, Rey Ordonez and Rey Sanchez. But they aren't the Tampa Bay Reys. They are the Tampa Bay Rays. They are very specific about this. So no Reys. Only Rays, like Ray Olmedo. Olmedo even played shortstop for Tampa Bay's triple-A affiliate this year, which is perfect. Perfect aside from the fact that he is terrible.
Third Base
Ray Chang
If you have heard of Ray Chang, you are lying. Or at least you have heard of some other Ray Chang, a Ray Chang who isn’t the baseball player Ray Chang. Like this Ray Chang, who is a pastor in California. That Ray Chang might be better than this Ray Chang, who has a career .673 OPS in triple-A and isn’t even a regular third baseman.
Left Field
Jason Bay
Jason Raymond Bay. I warned you. Finally, the Mets find a team willing to accept Bay's underwhelming play and overwhelming contract. As a condition of joining this team, Bay goes by a name that rhymes, which is awesome and chantable.
Center Field
Michael Bourn
Michael Ray Bourn shines even brighter as part of the worst roster ever constructed. He shines so bright that he needs to wear Ray-Bourn sunglasses. There, I just found the team a sponsor. So long as Ray-Ban isn’t too embarrassed to be a sponsor.
Right Field
Ray Kruml
The less said about Ray Kruml, the better. Kruml could only hope for his terribleness to blend in with everybody else’s terribleness.
Designated Hitter
Billy Butler
I just noticed that Billy Ray Butler's initials are B.R.B. He will not want to B.R.B. once he notices how bad this team is. Unless he's used to it, which is a Royals joke.
Pinch-Hitter
Wes Helms
Wesley Ray Helms can’t even crack the starting lineup on a hypothetical team composed mostly of godawful baseball players. Helms was born to be a pinch-hitter, and nothing more than a pinch-hitter.
Starting Pitcher
Anthony Swarzak
There are actually three half-decent starting pitchers on this team, so Anthony Ray Swarzak isn’t just the ace by default. He’s the ace because I typed his name first and I don’t feel like deleting it and typing a new name.
Starting Pitcher
Tommy Hunter
Question: Would a man named Ray(mond Thomas) Hunter on a team full of Rays be good for clubhouse chemistry? Would it be bad for clubhouse chemistry? Would a man named Ray Hunter be better suited to be the general manager of a team full of Rays? So many questions, to which we will never have answers.
Starting Pitcher
Mike Leake
Michael Raymond Leake is actually a good pitcher, and he probably deserves to be the ace, but slotting him at number three instead creates the illusion of depth. Wow, if they have Ray Leake pitching third, they must have some real quality arms! (They do not.)
Starting Pitcher
Nick Bierbrodt
Couldn’t have planned this better. Nicholas Raymond Bierbrodt is a former Devil Ray, and though he accumulated only 97 innings in the uniform, no fan will ever forget his name, or his busted potential. Still hanging around in the minors today, Bierbrodt isn’t good now, but he wasn’t good then, either, so it’ll be like nothing ever changed.
Starting Pitcher
Sugar Ray Marimon
Marimon has never pitched above single-A, so it’s a good thing the Rays have all those quality defenders.
Relief Pitcher
Chris Ray
Switching things up! Who ever said that Ray had to be the player’s first name? A Ray is a Ray is a Ray, and Chris Ray is most certainly a natural-born Ray. He is also not very good so he fits in on multiple levels. Having some prior experience in the role, he might serve as this team’s closer in the event that it’s ever protecting a narrow late lead, which would never happen. Which means Chris Ray would never pitch. Gotta wait for those save opportunities, says the manager to a media contingent that doesn’t exist by the second month.
Relief Pitcher
Ray King
The baseball world was cruel to Ray King. No matter how good or how bad he ever was, the story was always that he was so fat. He’s remembered today not for being a pretty good left-handed reliever, but for being a big fat guy. By luring King out of retirement, the Rays could allow the baseball world to be cruel once more.
Relief Pitcher
Jess Todd
Jesse Ray Todd is not very good. I could have given this slot to Daniel Ray Herrera, Ryan Ray Franklin, or Robert Ray. But I didn't, because I said "Ray Todd" out loud and laughed for five minutes.
Manager
Ray Knight
I went with Knight over Hall of Fame player/manager Ray Schalk in part because Ray Schalk died in 1970, but the more I think about it, the less convinced I am that that matters.
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OVERALL
This is a bad baseball teamk with absolutely no hope of getting better. The name Raymond has been decreasing in popularity since peaking in the 1920s, so barring a dramatic reversal in naming trends, the front office would be drafting and signing from an impossibly limited player pool. Andrew Friedman is brilliant, but is he brilliant enough? No. No one is brilliant enough. The Rays would come to regret their decision, both to limit themselves in this way, and to not at least be named the Tampa Bay Justins.
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