The Artist Tiquan Underwood Confronts An Amateur

You’re not even trying. You see the layers I’m working with here? There’s a nod to Kid ‘n Play with the high top fade, indicating my ironic but affectionate homage to the dance-hop heroes of my childhood. There is a Patriots logo shaved into the back to indicate my sincere but playful commitment to the cause of winning this very important football game. I spent 45 minutes picking out the correct retro Casio wristwatch. It cost $499, and was once worn by Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science.

This is artt--talking, living, breathing art. And you think you can just put on a funny hat and the tablecloth from a strip-mall Mexican restaurant, and just walk in here and strut with The Artist? Please. I cover my mouth at your amateurism. Pardon me, I have to speak to a real performance artist now, Adam Schefter. He hasn’t seen the sun in five years in order to attain the perfect NFL reporter pallor, had his hair replaced with surgically implanted Man-stroturf to keep him camera-ready at all times. He had his soul surgically removed so he could mindmeld with NFL owners without dying from sadness. I’ve heard he pees once a week on Wednesdays. It takes an hour, and the screaming can be heard for miles.

Show some dedication like that, and maybe you can hang with His Highness. But a poncho and a mike? PLEASE.

(Via.)