Seattle Mariners Games To Be Blacked Out In Alaska

Over at Hardball Talk, Craig Calcaterra brings to attention another genetic curiosity in the pestilent cloth-devouring blackout restriction genus of the MLB Kingdom: it appears as though Seattle Mariners games will be blacked out in Alaska.

It should be noted that until now, Alaskan baseball fans have been able to watch most Mariners games on Root Sports, which Alaska’s cable provider has decided to dump in favor of MLB Network. MLB isn’t really to blame for that, but they have apparently taken the extra steps to black Alaska out of the handful of Mariners games they air over the course of the season.

This is in keeping with Major League Baseball’s long-term plan of making increasingly prohibitive and restrictive decisions regarding how many fans can actually watch their games. Their full agenda is listed after the jump.

Currently: Games are subject to blackout as determined by a territorial map that, in many places, makes little to no sense. Unlike leagues such as the NBA, MLB still fails to understand that fan-created and -uploaded video of their games is a good thing for multiple reasons, and devotes sizable resources to having videos removed from YouTube that they apparently have no interest in putting up themselves.

By 2015: Upon the discovery of a diehard Brewers fan who lives in Calcutta, Brewers broadcasts are blacked out in Calcutta.

By 2020: A shadow army numbering 144,000 will maraud the continental United States, break into the homes of people who are watching games on television that are not sold out, take paintings and clocks and shit off their walls, and throw it at their faces until they change the channel.

By 2025: Package MLBPA deals will be discontinued. Fans will have to pay individual rights fees to watch the players of their choosing. $0.30 will buy you a single-camera broadcast of the game that is trained and zoomed in on James Loney.

By 2030: Stadium seats are retrofitted with switches which are activated when the seats are sat in. Every switch must be activated in order to a) turn on the overhead stadium lights, and b) de-activate a giant pyre of flame on the pitcher’s mound and a 120-decibel, echo-filled, looping audio track of Bud Selig screaming, “GET OUUUUUUUUUT”

By 2035: Players are blindfolded.

By 2040: Team advertisements read, “Come see your beloved hometown [REDACTED] play [REDACTED] against the St. [REDACTED] [REDACTED]s!”

By 2045: [REDACTED]

By 2050: Bobble[REDACTED] night!!!

By [YEAR REDACTED]: [REDACTED]