The United States Air Force reached out to ESPN to seek better ways to analyze its ever-expanding footage recorded by surveillance drones. Today’s list imagines the improvements ESPN could make as a consultant to the armed forces.
Photoshop: Matt Ufford
- Reveille replaced with the SportsCenter theme
- Bill Simmons explains how this war is JUST LIKE Vietnam
- Weaponize Barry Melrose’s infectious laugh
- Replace radar blips with BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK
- Lee Corso puts on a turban to decide which country to invade next
- Special tank expert Tank Abbott
- Peace treaties to include “C’mon Man!” portion
- Chuck Klosterman writes a well-thought examination of foreign relations, titles it “Chicks I Totally Banged”
- Stuart Scott instructs desert troops on how to stay cool
- I dunno, I guess just copy other militaries? (this tip provided by Lynn Hoppes)
- Pardon the Interrogation
- “You call that a haircut?!? New rules say everyone has to get a Van Pelt!”
- United States Navy: The Body Issue
- ESPN executives: “Tail Hook sounded awesome. What was the problem there?”
- NorvRAD, the underground nerve center of -- nevermind this shouldn’t happen ever
- Faced with thousands of combat deaths and the depressing but inspiring stories of combat amputees adjusting to life with prosthetics, Tom Rinaldi pumps his fist and orders ALL OF THE TINKLY MUSIC.
- “Just pretend everyone’s straight, and ignore them if they say otherwise.” -- John Walsh
- Waterboarding replaced with an audio loop of Jon Gruden saying, “THIS GUY”
- Today on First Take: Skip Bayless argues that the Marine Corps is not an elite fighting force
- “2nd Lieutenant Tim Tebow”
- No hockey
Bobby Big Wheel, Bill Hanstock, and Spencer Hall contributed to this list.
