A lot of us have bucket lists. I do, at least. Some of mine, such as, “visit every Major League Baseball stadium,” are perfectly reasonable. Others, such as, “attend a Chiefs game that the Chiefs actually win,” are horribly depressing.
The Saddest Possible Sports Fan Bucket List
Many of us keep a list of things we’re determined to see and do before we die. Jon Bois and Bill Hanstock came up with the most depressing bucket list a sports fan could possibly have.
Today, we will concentrate on the latter. My pal Bill Hanstock and I set upon the quest of writing the saddest possible bucket list a sports fan could have. Our 50 worst are here. And of course, if you would like to add to this list, please do so in the comments. So without further ado:
- Meet Kevin Millar.
- High-five someone who catches a foul ball.
- Repair rip in Steelers Super Bowl shirt; retain rip in Steelers Super Bowl jorts. (Looks macho.)
- Develop an opinion about Dodger Dogs.
- Figure out what makes bobbleheads bobble so.
- Finish the screenplay about a person, whose name is three letters different from yours, finding a magical football that teleports him to the Pro Bowl!!!!
- Just once, if I could apply my belly-paint letter so it’s not off-center and doesn’t make Big Phil look at me like that.
- Find out what Ashley Judd’s favorite team is.
- Open up a basketball to see whether there’s a light inside of it, like a refrigerator.
- Rush for 400 yards in a single season with the version of Raul Mondesi I created in Madden 07.
- Remember which one is Clint Hurdle and which one is a hurdle.
- Go on a whirlwind 30-day tour of every Major League Baseball team’s website.
- Hose down my stadium seat pad to remove ketchup stains sustained during the 2009 Meineke Car Care Bowl.
- Find out why they don’t wear cleats in the NBA.
- Take down the “ESPN Jock Jams” poster, un-staple it from the living room wall, fold it back into its original CD-sleeve position, and return it to its jewel case without damaging it further.
- Help set up a table at a sports memorabilia show.
- Spell “Orioles” right on the first try.
- Cheer for my favorite driver during the WHOLE lap of a NASCAR race, instead of just when they pass me.
- Figure out which college football team plays closest to me.
- Learn all the words to the “Seven Nation Army” chant.
- Use a tennis ball for tennis.
- Make a YouTube video made up of all the funny basketball parts from Forget Paris.
- Remember not to swallow Big League Chew.
- Punch a sabermetrician.
- Remember to watch the rest at GoDaddy.com.
- Figure out what the blue and yellow circles mean in the Madden games.
- Ride my bicycle to the Wendy’s that still has the Super Bar (inspired by Lance Armstrong).
- Perform a Stone Cold Stunner on my idiot cousin Earl.
- Enter a stadium without pausing after I pass the turnstile, turning around, and asking whether “there’s anything else I’m supposed to do.”
- Someday, take a bag to a stadium so a cop can look inside it.
- Negotiate with a scalper without getting weepy.
- Develop player-specific heckles for opposing team, rather than yelling, “DONGFACE,” at each one of them.
- Figure out why the Yankees logo is in Japanese.
- Buy a WAC hat.
- Finish painting the Big East logo on the side of my Cutlass Ciera.
- Go to a college rivalry game and be as obnoxious as possible. Just sunup to sundown. Really stretch the limits of tolerance.
- Get some more dignified clothing. (Look into hockey jerseys.)
- Ask Jonny Flynn how the heck he does it.
- Record a four-second video at the Birmingham Barons game of a player taking ball three, title it, “Three strikes your [sic] out at the ball game,” upload to YouTube.
- Move to a closer empty seat in the 7th inning without chickening out and moving back to the seat I paid for.
- Show off to friends my “Telestrator” skills with ordinary pen and paper.
- Drive mostly inside the lines, just like they do at the Indy 500.
- Watch the Chiefs play in person.
- Go to a Golden State Warriors team shop.
- Have my Raiders tattoo altered to erase Kyle Boller.
- Take the photograph of Randy Edsall that ends up on his Wikipedia page.
- Put “pushing foot” up on skateboard, too.
- Call into work, chuckling to your boss that you’re “on the disabled list.”
- Make a joke about how a college football team should perhaps join a lesser football conference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Order a Grand Slam breakfast, just like in the big leagues!
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