New Olympic Sport Generator

As you probably read in this month’s issue of Olympico! or heard about at government-mandated Olympic Awareness Camp, they’re throwing another Olympics this summer. And here’s the best part: they’re being held in beautiful, sunny London, England!

Perhaps my favorite thing about the Olympics, besides a) the rampant corruption in the choosing of sites, b) the buying of judges, c) NBC’s maudlin, formulaic athlete profiles, d) gymnastics and figure skating “Exhibition Galas” in prime time while actual competitions are given short shrift, e) “The Official Non-Almond Nut-Based Candy Bar Of The Olympic Games,” f) the near-constant exhortations against “jingoism,” g) the condescending lionization of “amateurism,” h) Russia’s wholly legitimate gold medal in basketball in 1972, i) the international community’s blindness to obviously juiced-up Eastern Bloc athletes, j) men competing as women, k) the awful opening ceremonies, and l) Juan Antonio Samaranch, is the pageantry.

Anywhoozle’s, this year the IOC, in its infinite wisdom, eliminated baseball—the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose—from its roster of official sports. And thus was America deprived of another opportunity to be humiliated by such powerhouse nations as Cuba and Mexico.

So what will replace baseball in the Olympics? The Olympic Event Generator will provide the answers. Just write down a random word from each column below until you’ve completed all 1,000,000 permutations. These are the new sports for the modern age that will soon relegate our beloved pastime to the dustbin of history, like Olympic Ballooning and Tug-of-war.

Remember, never forget to always don’t not follow your dreams and GO FOR THE GOLD!™