Lesnar Is More: Brock Wins Main Event At SummerSlam

The match started with INTENSE EMOTIONS. Triple H was ready, revolving around and around in preparation for the big fight.

Lesnar was also feeling emotions. Like ... maybe he had a tummy ache. Or dropped his ice cream. Either way, his face did this:

Lesnar basically spent the first half of the match beating the absolute piss out of Triple H (technical term). Triple H regrouped and they spent some time trading finishing moves before Brock sunk in the kimura for the submission victory.

This match also featured one of the best moments ever, as Brock plastered Triple H with one spectacular rabbit punch straight to the back of the skull. Really cleaned his leathery orange clock.

Pro wrestler Brock Lesnar’s thing is dressing up like a MMA guy, which means wearing a bunch of ads all over his trunks. Cannot WAIT for there to be a NASCAR wrestler, who’ll completely trounce Lesnar in total ads-per-body part.

For the time being, though, Lesnar urges you to shield your mouth from injury the satisfaction-guaranteed way: by smearing a half-pound of Jimmy John’s turkey right onto your teeth.

I mean, with expressive acting chops like this, who can step to him?

Someone cast this man in the “Black Dynamite” sequel immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Or, if nothing else, get him a starring role on “Days of Our Lives.”

SummerSlam, for some reason, has an official song. Kevin Rudolf’s “Don’t Give Up,” is available on Cash Money Records, and is also proof that Vince McMahon recently lost a large sum of money to Baby in a poker game, and is a bit short on liquid funds right now so hey you wanna get your boy on camera?. Being “an official song of something,” it was “bland, but also somehow terrible and overlong even at the 30-second mark.”

The announcers liked it, because they have to like it.

Who’s going to win? Triple H.

This is the correct pairing of question and answer to be exchanged before and after every pro wrestling match, no matter who’s involved.

Hey! It’s-a me! CM Punk!

/warp whistle

It appears as though the Prime Time Players were ...

/puts on shades

Sheamus is still the World Heavyweight Champion. Alberto Del Rio tried to resort to trickery -- trickery most foul! -- but it backfired. A big move from Sheamus and a flagrant display of shoddy officiating cost Del Rio a chance to win the belt.

Del Rio got frustrated toward the end of his match and slapped around his valet, Ricardo Rodriguez.

From relocating the Atlanta Falcons to Arizona to getting all the rules of football wrong to seeing the high priest of their order choked out by Tony Siragusa, referees are not having a great August. And no zebras are more endangered than those cowering on the plains of pro wrestling.

Tonight, officials will be clubbed, tazed, chaired, and probably replaced by Shawn Michaels for most of the matches eventually.

Brock Lesnar leads WWE’s SummerSlam poster. It is a bold choice to depict a man receiving a prostate exam as the defining image of an event, but the WWE has never been about playing it safe or easy. Lesnar, like all avid outdoorsmen, receives his prostate exams only in a driving rainstorm, and only from licensed medical professionals.

Sunday’s WWE SumerSlam pay-per-view is almost here. The live event from the Staples Center in Los Angeles will air only on pay-per-view beginning at 8 p.m. ET, but WWE is offering a free title match for free beforehand, which you can watch live, online on YouTube or Facebook.

The free match will have Santino Marella defending his title live against challenger Antonio Cesaro. Will Cesaro make a splash and win his first WWE title? Or will Santino put a sock on his arm and poke Cesaro in the chest and cause him to fall over for the loss? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

On Sunday, the WWE will present SummerSlam on pay-per-view, live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles. SummerSlam is arguably the second-biggest professional wrestling event of the year, behind WrestleMania. (A strong argument could be made for Royal Rumble as the No. 2 show.)

If you’ve been watching wrestling this summer following WrestleMania, then you know that it’s been largely horrible. If you haven’t been watching wrestling this summer, then I applaud you and invite you to read no further, for fear you will begin to bleed out of the tear ducts and have your soul sucked into the abyss (not the wrestler Abyss; don’t be gross).