Spilly welcomes Chip Kelly to the NFL

A few weeks ago, when everyone assumed that Chip Kelly was going to leave Oregon for Cleveland, SB Nation’s Jason Kirk sent me a message suggesting a Chip Kelly Spillymeal. However, once Chip woke up and realized he’d be living next to a river that bursts into flames every once in awhile, he quickly thought better and decided to stay at Oregon. The Chip Kelly meal got shelved until next year, it seemed. On Wednesday, we received an unexpected surprise, as the Eagles somehow convinced Chip that getting booed in the second quarter of Week 2 would be a better alternative to the listless depression of Cleveland. More importantly, the Chip Kelly meal was back on. Surely, no other sports story could surpass that on Wednesday, right? In any case, Chip will be hungry after moving all of his stuff east, so let’s give him a hearty meatloaf dinner, shall we?

STEP 1: I’ve never made meatloaf. It seemed easy enough. Just pile a bunch of meat in a pan and bake it for an hour. It turns out, blending a pork chop is difficult because they have ‘bones’ and ‘gristle’ that ‘break’ blender motors. So I had to call an audible here (football term!). We will use some softer meats for our dinner:

In reality, what you see here is the exact same food, just in brick and tube form, respectively. In any case, they will provide a much easier meatpasting experience.

Of particular note is the can of Spam. Those of you who read my older meals know that I once made meatballs out of Spam. I don’t like it - it’s probably the worst ingredient I have. There are few other things that make me wretch as much as opening a can of Spam. This time, I noticed that Hormell has molded an anniversary seal INTO the spam itself. Behold:

STEP 2: After letting the blender cool down a bit after the pork chop fiasco, toss in your bricks and tubes. You won’t need any liquid to help you here, there will be enough that seeps out of each of these.

STEP 3: When you’ve got it into milkshake consistency, pour into a bowl. Add some breadcrumbs to it and mix thoroughly with your bare hamfists. You haven’t really lived until you’ve been forced to squeeze spam through your fingers because you’re too lazy to wash a spatula.

STEP 4: Now you’ve got a good, soggy, vaguely porkish base. It’s time for the first set of theme ingredients! Chips!

STEP 5: The chocolate chips will add a lightly sweet note to the existing canned pig sputum. But we’re not done yet!

STEP 6: Potato chips? Potato chips. Crunch these together with the chocolate and mix into your meatbatter for later. Be sure to grind them up as much as possible. You may think it’s a good idea to use an electric hand mixer. Let me warn you that spraying chocolate potato spam all over the kitchen is not the optimum outcome. Mix this manually. When this is done, plop a few handfuls into a meatloaf tin, and just cover the bottom for now.

STEP 7: I get a lot of feedback that my meals aren’t healthy enough for the average American family. Most notably, they have been called “inedible”, a “colossal waste”, and “The Lugubrious Nadir of Mankind”. These insults wound me deeply. Thus, as an olive branch, I will resolve to include healthy, family-friendly ingredients going forward.

STEP 8: Sprinkle the beets and tofu into the middle of the meatloaf pan. It’s a hidden layer of fun!

STEP 10: Now it’s time to use the rest of the meat. Scoop the rest on top of the filling and compress it down as much as you can. There needs to be room for the sauce on top!

STEP 11: For this sauce, we’ll pay tribute to Chip Kelly’s past and present homes. For Oregon, we’ll use duck sauce, and for Philadelphia, we’ll use this column’s favorite misspelled and generic Cheez Whiz substitute: CHEEZY SPRED!

STEP 12: Lather these two liberally on top of the meatloaf. If you’re lucky, it will seal in the aroma of the spam so you don’t question what you’re doing with your life when the oven smell invades the rest of your house.

STEP 13: Put these in the oven for about a quarter of a football game. Extract them (with oven mitts! Burned spam is hot!) Turn upside down onto a plate and share with friends. And thanks, Chip, for getting a song from mid-90’s Nickelodeon TV stuck in my head for an entire day. Ass.