Winter Olympics 2014: Spilly concocts a Russian Hot Pocket

It’s a sad week in the Spillington household. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Nestlé is recalling some Hot Pockets on account of something called ‘diseasemeat’ or for using too many canine rectal linings that are ‘unfit’ for human consumption.

This, of course, is nonsense. Hot Pockets are the cornerstone of the Spilly Diet, and I haven’t died that much at all. Do you know where we’d be without Hot Pockets? Half of all college students would be dead right now. Many would have died from alcohol poisoning when they opened up a freezer full of nothing to soak up the hobo wine they found on the porch steps. Still, others would expire in their sleep when the Taco Bell was too far to drive to and the Eggos kept getting stuck in the toaster and burning.

As you can tell, Hot Pockets are vital to the entire world, and should be saved, not scorned. In fact, what better stage to celebrate all that is warm on the outside and still frozen in the middle than the Winter Olympics in Sochi? Today we’ll make our own Hot Pocket out of items I found in my grossly limited world foods aisle.

For host nation Russia, we’ll start our filling with two staples:

Remember that we don’t need that much for filling, so make sure to pull out the beety bits and drain the rest down the sink. You can even scatter it around and make it look like you’re cleaning up a grisly murder (oh boy!).

Next up is mole sauce and cottage cheese. Cottage cheese wasn’t in the ethnic foods, but I think the lumpy consistency will help freshen up the filling. Adding the mole will make it all look like loose stool.

Put all four ingredients into a pot and bring to a boil. So far, this is only unsettling at worst. We still have a long way to go. We’ll need to thicken the sauce, so let’s see what other world foods we have.

Thai noodles! Falafel! Falafel is such a great word. I enjoy shouting it repeatedly at the top of my lungs. Try it yourself in your office or lunchroom. After a minute or so you’ll just be standing there wide-eyed yelling “FLOFFLFLOFFLFLOFFL” before you are escorted away by security. Anyway. put stuff into the pot.

Hmm. Well, that’s not exactly what I meant. I mean usually you take it out of the box. And not just put it back in after pouring sauce on it. But you know what? We can run with this. I’m inspired. It may take awhile though. Cardboard has an annoying quality in that it takes forever to dissolve completely in food.

Slowly but surely, we’re getting there. Now, dump in the rest of the ROFLOFFLE from before, along with a few other seasoning ingredients:

Jamaican coffee. It really should have been Sanka, but I guess nothing in the world is perfect. I also used Ghirardelli chocolate, which sounds foreign and exotic but is most likely skimmed from sewage water in fabulous Detroit. It’s like those rich American folk who say they’re from some Caribbean nation in the opening ceremonies!

Let that boil until it all blends together. You should get something that looks like this:

There’s one final ingredient: AMERICA

What is more American than overpriced pre-cooked beef discs that are 85% grease? Even as I’m typing this a giant banner of freedom has unfurled behind me depicting an F-16 shooting hot dogs at an enormous eagle. The eagle is also on fire but it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter because LIBERTY.

Put that shit on TOP of this where it BELONGS:

Now, let’s move on to the crust. The crust of a Hot Pocket is a key element in the entire package. The most important job of the crust is to hide what you’re actually eating so you still assume that you’re ingesting what is actually depicted on the box. To achieve this, you need to select ingredients that satisfy one requirement: They must be opaque.

As you can see, I’ve carefully selected a pack of paper plates for my crust. They are the optimal ingredient - with enough boiling, they will break down into a fibrous paste. Fiber is important in any diet. In addition, they are very, very inexpensive and are ‘grease resistant’. That should help keep the filling inside, as at this point it’s about eighty percent fat runoff from the burger. The only downside is that they will take awhile to boil. As in, you may need to pour in some extra water. Remember to season it for flavor!

And it’s still boiling. At this point the water has turned a bit brown. I’m not sure what that’s from. It’s probably just extra flavor or the freedom leaking from the hamburger.

Eventually, slowly, you will start to get your crust dough:

I looked on my very last box of Hot Pockets and saw that they now advertise the crust as being ‘seasoned’. So let’s add some bonus flavor to ours as well:

Here is some cheese popcorn. Please note that upon adding this ingredient to the boiled plates, everything in the room smelled exactly like EZ Mac.

Let the dough simmer. You may need to add more plates and/or flour to thicken up the dough to where you can pull it out and start kneading it. CAUTION: It will be hot from boiling paper plates for an hour.

While that cools, let’s move on to our tasty Russian beverage. I’ve selected a homemade vodka for you. Vodka is usually made from grain or potatoes. In this case, I’ve chosen the latter. Begin with 3 day old tater tots left out on the stove because I am a very lazy person with poor kitchen habits:

Next, add alcohol:

Interestingly enough, I made a space themed drink and didn’t include Tang. I’ve made Tangballs out of Hurricane Sandy before but am dropping the ball when I actually have the opportunity to use the drink for its intended purpose.

ANYWAY, here is your finished vodka:

Now, let’s go ahead and make this luncheon sandwich unit.

Roll out the dough on a baking sheet, and scoop on some filling:

Next, ball up some more dough and fit it around the filling, creating two giant, paper-mache mounds.

Lastly, we’ll bak.......wait. No. You don’t bake a Hot Pocket. What am I even thinking?

AWESOME. Nuke that sucker until your microwave breaks apart from overuse. Serve with vodka and enjoy the very foodbrick that keeps our nation’s youth alive and well.