What does Gronk have planned for Valentine’s Day? Well ... maybe you shouldn’t have asked.
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
- Take shirt off
- Spell her name using meats
- A trail of rosin bags leading to the bedroom, where the bed has been removed in lieu of a pile of dirt
- Go for a couple’s Brazilian
- Really compliment that scene she did with Lexington Steele
-- Defeat a horse in unarmed combat (to establish dominance)
- Take shirt off
- Two champagne glasses and a bottle of Jäger with a red bow on it
- Shotgun a box of Franzia
- Buy her extra-expensive bottle of body glitter
- Thoughtfully offer to jump and touch the ceiling from right where you’re standing, without getting a running start or anything
- [flexes]
- Bottle service at Pinkberry
- Let her watch you play Tony Hawk for four hours
- Buy a box set of Jason Statham movies and a liter of vodka
- Take shirt off
- Two words: Bud Black.
- Do it on the nice couch -- the one the dogs aren’t allowed on
- Take her to Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, sneak single, pantleg-warmed double-deuce of Keystone into theater, finish it by end of Fast & Furious 6 trailer
- Make her a mixtape with “I Gotta Feeling” and “Boom Boom Pow” alternating for 20 songs
- Let her see you cry when Ben Affleck leaves Bruce Willis on the doomed asteroid in Armageddon.
- Send picture of yourself naked in the mirror, turn off phone for 72 hours
- Leave uncashed checks written to fake charities like “SICK KIDS” and “GOD” sitting on your table
- Draw pictures of you and her doin’ it on binder paper, leave it under one of her windshield wipers
- Offer to give her a sexy massage. Have Vince Wilfork rub her back while you watch Underworld on DVD
- DON’T FART
(Spencer Hall, Andrew Sharp and Jon Bois collaborated on today’s installment of The List.)
