1. Their ties are often tied adequately.
The List: Good things about NFL pregame shows
The jerks who talk about you before football are important. Here is why.
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
2. Provides direct subsidy of struggling director’s chair industry.
3. Helps networks fulfill network-mandated chortle quota.
4. Because Bill Cowher does a great job of representing our nation’s wealthy working homeless. <--because Bill Cowher sleeps in a woodpile.
5. Because former football players are the only people who can even say the word "football," much less explain it.
6. Boomer Esiason finally gives America an edgier Ed Begley, Jr.
7. Furthers important public debate on heart, composure, and want-to-it-iveness.
8. Children can learn about right angles by tracing Howie Long’s head.
9. Raises gout awareness.
10. Provides important networking opportunities for former professional players like Dan Marino.
11. Because you love bobsledding, but wish the bobsled were stationary and filled with loud middle-aged men in suits.
12. Boomer Esiason’s presence on television essential for you to compare his hair’s blond wispiness to Phil Simms’s.
13. James Brown’s employment allows Harvard graduates to dream of one day succeeding in life in something.
14. Because the 0th quarter is boring anyway.
15. Because you’re still on the fence about using Visa-brand products.
16. The wizened face of Terry Bradshaw is life’s popping indicator that it’s time to cook the drinking turkey.
17. Because there’s no Skip Bayless there.
18. Dr Pepper 10-approved gender distribution.
Bill Hanstock, Matt Ufford, and Jon Bois contributed to this report.
