1. Dusty Baker. Would just wordlessly bash you in the elbow with a meat tenderizer until you walked away.
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2. Landry Jones. Speed coach.
3. Michael Jordan. Don’t ever do anything with Michael Jordan.
4. John Wooden, unless hearing an endless string of unbearable aphorisms from a guy with a weird haircut was your thing.
5. Phil Jackson. Because working out on peyote is nowhere near as chill as you think it would be.
6. Bob Costas. Your workout is a disappointment compared to the glorious workouts of yesteryear.
7. Mike Florio. Your “listening to rap” during workouts will be leaked as “character issues.”
8. JaMarcus Russell. He’s great at football, having played several seasons in the NFL, and you wouldn’t be able to keep up with him.
9. Yi Jianlian. He’ll have you working out against a chair and only a chair.
10. Dick Vermeil. Would interrupt you halfway through your “do your best and be a good sport” drill so he could show you pictures of his grandkids.
11. Ryan Leaf. Would just keep asking if you’re holding and then steal your car stereo.
12. Peyton Manning. He demonstrates an exercise. You spend the remainder of the workout laughing until you puke.
13. Chris Jones. Ain’t nothin’ but calf work.
14. Hank Aaron.
Jon Bois, Spencer Hall, Bill Hanstock and Brian Floyd contributed to this report.
