Spilly celebrates the Kings

First of all, please allow me to indulge in a bit of navel-gazing history. The internet is a pretty neat place. I’ve now been making these meals on SBNation for eight months now, and longer if you count the ones I made in comments sections at Progressive Boink. During the process of maliciously destroying everything you enjoy about food on a weekly basis, I began to meet folks who ran the awesome team blogs that populate the network. Greg Wissinger from Sactown Royalty was one of the first people who started commenting on these meals, and he was one of the few like myself who was willing to admit to the internet that they were microwaving a hot dog and cheese single as a meal. Greg is a good Twitter follow, and doing so led me to start reading about the Sacramento Kings’ fight to stay in town. Normally, I don’t have a strong rooting interest in any particular NBA team. In most games, I end up cheering for the underdog while having to remind myself that there’s a difference between the Bucks and Timberwolves. Here’s everything I knew about the Sacramento Kings beforehand:

2) Not the hockey one

3) Not a team made up entirely of creepy stalking Burger Kings

4) That’s really a missed opportunity.

I told Greg that if Sacramento was able to keep their team, I’d make him a celebratory Spillymeal. So here’s the hard-fought fruit of your labor, Kings fans: Chicken à la King!

STEP 1) To begin, we’re going to be making biscuits for underneath the chicken and gravy sauce. I love biscuits. I used to work at a KFC in high school and we’d make four thousand of them at once and take home whatever was left over. My senior year diet was made up entirely of popcorn chicken shards and biscuits. We’d stack the biscuit pucks on top of each other and make megabiscuits. This is what the fat kids are doing when everyone else at school is partaking in debauchery.

I sincerely hope that Nabisco had a cross-promotional “Chicken in a Bizkit” box in the 90s.

Chicken in a Biskit is odd. I’m always surprised it’s still around - you’d think meat crackers would have been something I came up with, especially since the back of the box is a giant spray cheese advertisement. Pour some into a bowl and move on.

STEP 2) Add Triscuits. The reason here is because the above crackers will immediately turn into paste in liquid and the rougher triscuit chunks will help the biscuit hold together. Also, people LOVE Triscuits and corrupting them will only elevate the troll levels of the meal.

STEP 3) Crush these together with something blunt and wide, like a coffee mug or a ham. Now, lets move on to the rest of the dough. Normally in these concoctions I put something too runny into the doughs I make (see also: waffles last week). This week I’m going to use something I know will keep the parts stuck together.

Unfortunately, these old Easter Peeps are still solid, so we’ll need to melt them down. Let’s toss this bowl into the microwave and set the time for “999999” It is never a bad idea to microwave tiny marshmallow chicks. What could possibly go wrong?

HEAVEN ABOVE THE PEEPS HAVE MERGED TOGETHER AS ONE. THEY YEARN ONLY FOR THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH.

I posted this on Twitter when it happened and I got the best set of responses I could have hoped for:

STEP 4) After you’ve finished this ghastly marshmallow violence, it will quickly deflate back into the bowl where it can be mixed and dropped into the biscuit mix.

The biscuit dough should stir easily, kind of like Rice Krispy treats, only it’s made out of triscuit and peep mulch. Form the dough into four biscuits and bake them.

STEP 5) Our next element of Chicken à la King is the gravy. Again, in the past I’ve found that I tend to make homemade gravy too runny. But since the biscuits turned out so well, we’ll begin with another thickening agent.

I very nearly received death threats when I told people I was going to use the Chew in a meal. Relax, friends! I too was on a little league team in the early 90s! I sat on the bench in my catcher gear and chewed three pouches of this at once. I will give it the respect it deserves.

Begin to fry the Big League Chew.

STEP 6) Many times I don’t plan these ingredients ahead of time. I’ll go shopping and one will strike me as a must have. Yesterday I ran across such a thing. Here is a great ingredient to balance out how sickeningly sweet the frying of bubble gum will smell:

Creamed herring breakfast cereal. Creamed herring iced tea. Creamed herring Fruit by the Foot. Ice creamed herring. Mountain Dew: Code creamed herring. The possibilities are only limited by how low you’re willing to go. Stir in a heaping helping of fishbutter into your gravy.

STEP 7) This will smell agonizing. I began to be fearful that my neighbors would think there was a dead body in my apartment. I needed to mix something else in. Something, anything had to be better than bubbling pink fishpaste.

Sure. Fine. Whatever. Dump some prune juice in. Do it quickly before the police show up and you have to explain why the cat is hiding behind the trash can cowering in fear of what’s sizzling on the stovetop.

Oh. Hey! That looks better now. It even looks like gravy. Yes. YES. No one will be the wiser! Look at that rich, vaguely lumpy texture! Is it gum, or is it fish? It’s BOTH!

STEP 8) Finally, we’ll need actual chicken pieces for the dish. I wanted to add in a Hot Pocket, but then I saw something better! It’s a breaded chicken pocket stuffed with more bread!

FOODTIP: I am the reason they need giant red “DO NOT MICROWAVE” warnings on raw food.

Cut one and mix it into the gravy and let simmer for a few days to actually cook the harmful raw bacteria away. Once it’s done, we’re ready to put it all together. Take out the biscuits from your tiny oven.

That ... looks edible. You could pass this off as food somewhere and no one would know until it’s too late! It’s like we’re making the silent ninja assassin of dinners. Lastly, spoon the chicken and gravy onto the biscuits.

Add Tangballs here to simulate sliced carrots. That will give the appearance of vegetables without the pesky nutrition! Look at that, you’ve made quite possibly the most offensive Spillymeal to date!

So Greg, I hope you enjoy having this meal to celebrate keeping your team. And Seattle, don’t worry. When the Sonics come back, I’ll make you a meal too. Prepare yourselves now.