Hello, intrepid baseball fan. In case you haven’t heard, TMZ is reporting that an ex-employee of Biogenesis is offering incriminating documents to Major League Baseball for $1 million. They also are reporting that Rihanna was caught on video twerking to a Drake song, which is important because Drake has a beef with her ex, Chris Brown. But let’s focus on Biogenesis.
Help Baseball Nation buy the Biogenesis documents
You have supported worthy causes in your time. This is worthier.
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What would baseball do with those documents? Probably use them to suspend a bunch of players. That seems like a silly waste of a million dollars. We can do better. And by “we,” I mean you, me, and the Internet. Because this is the age of crowdfunding, and we can certainly do better. Baseball Nation is going to start a Kickstarter, with the goal being $1,000,001 to buy the Biogenesis documents. The extra dollar is to out-bid MLB if they’re interested.
More Kickstarters: Chipper Jones's Super Bowl party Kidnapping Alfredo Despaigne
Now, I know what you’re thinking. What do I get for donating $100 or even $1,000 to this? What are you going to do with the documents?
First, the rewards for donating:
Other suggestions are welcome. But the money you donate has to be substantial because $1 million is a lot of money. And here’s what we plan to do with the documents:
1. Legal analysis
I will personally e-mail the documents to every baseball blogger with a J.D. that I know. I’ll ask them to spend a week reviewing the documents and post something on their site. At the rate of one blogger/lawyer per week, the analysis should be compete by August, 2016. We will then collect these into a compendium and release them as a single-volume book. We will need to start another Kickstarter for the book.
2. Reverse blackmail
Major League Baseball wants these documents. If they won’t give into the whistleblower’s demands, perhaps they would be willing to negotiate with us.
Somewhere, in a secret vault, there is video of Dock Ellis throwing a no-hitter on acid. Don’t even try to deny it, Major League Baseball. It exists and it is our right. It’s being kept under wraps by baseball because they think it sends a bad message to kids. But we will exchange the incriminating evidence for the Dock Ellis video.
There’s a small chance that we will fill the bag with our dirty undies (laundry; the whites) and pass that off as something filled with Biogenesis documents so we can ask for something else, like Jeffrey Loria in a dunk tank at the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal. But that’s unlikely. Mostly we’re interested in the Ellis video.
We will need to start another Kickstarter for the plane flight that sends Loria to Montreal, and possibly the undies.
3. Gift to A-Rod
A-Rod does so much for us, but he never gets anything back. And this is a site that exists: http://ultimatepapermache.com/.
Wouldn’t it be neat if we could buy the documents that could damage A-Rod’s career, commission the proprietor of UltimatePapierMache.com to make sort of papier-mâché sculpture for him, and give the finished product to him? Anything would do. It doesn’t have to be specific. It’s the thought that counts. Let’s see if there’s something on her website that would be appropriate …
Oh. Oh, dear.
Yes, that will do nicely. We will need to start another Kickstarter for the commission of the sculpture, of course.
4. Different actors reënacting a scene from Airplane
The scene is this:
The idea is this: Hire different actors to recreate this scene. Abe Vigoda asking Samuel L. Jackson what he makes of the the Biogenesis documents. Neil Patrick Harris asking Daniel Day-Lewis. Some actors will play it dramatically.
“This? Uhggnh, this. Well ah, uh, mmrfph, I can nrrf make a hat. Or, aw hell, a brooch. Hell, even a pterodactyl.”
- Nick Nolte
Or you could just give the documents to Robin Williams, wind him up, and let him riff, man. It could be a web series. I know a guy at Netflix, and they might be interested.
We will need to start another Kickstarter to hire the actors, but it would almost certainly be worth it.
5. Give the papers to Jose Altuve and Dustin Pedroia
They will go on a fantastic journey and learn life lessons as they attempt to throw the goddamned documents into a goddamned volcano because I’m sick of this goddamned story already. We will need to start another Kickstarter for the lembas.
There you have it. An honorable cause well worth your money. We can’t just let Major League Baseball have these documents. We can do more with them. We can do more. Donate here today!
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