NFL quarterback scouting, in terms of 1990s computer hardware

Tuesday, Chiefs coach Andy Reid said of his quarterback:

Talk about Reid-only memory, huh, you guys? You see, Andy Reid sees quarterbacks in terms of turn-of-the-millennium computer hardware, and so do I. Here is my scouting report on the rest of the quarterbacks of the NFL:

Aaron Rodgers: Beige PC tower with an LED readout on the front that reads “99999999999 mHz”

Peyton Manning: Same as Rodgers, but the readout says “BEIGE”

Drew Brees: Joystick that twists, rotates and points in a million different ways, and will be perfect if they ever make a flight simulator that makes you fly through the dimensions of time, space, space-time, time-height, light-width, time-light, angst, and quantum angst-color

Matt Ryan: CD-ROM drive that comes with its own jewel case, which you have to take out of the drive, feed a CD, and stick back in

Cam Newton: VGA monitor with a dial that lets you adjust the skew and bend of the display, which nobody in the world would ever have any reason to do

Matt Stafford: Microsoft ergonomic keyboard that’s bent in the middle and doesn’t make you look like a dorkwad at all

Robert Griffin III: TI GraphLink, which lets you download games from the Internet and put them on your TI-83, holy shit, never paying attention in class for the rest of your life

Andrew Luck: A computer with a CD-ROM, 3.5-inch drive, and 5.25-inch drive, which you won’t stop calling “The Triple Threat”

Colin Kaepernick: Korn mousepad

Tom Brady: Iomega Zip Drive with lightning bolts puff-painted on the outside

Tony Romo: Replacement power cord that comes with its own install disk

Russell Wilson: Keyboard with its own “e-mail” key, designated by a helpful envelope icon

Eli Manning: Trackpad for a desktop computer that you have to wear a special glove to operate

Sam Bradford: A disk labeled WEAPON WARZ: THE GAME, sold in a Ziploc bag, that you bought from the drug store

Philip Rivers: The little drive door hinge thing on 5.25-inch disk drive, which is nice, because that way other floppy disks know that the drive is occupied

Andy Dalton: Infrared wireless mouse that still has to be plugged to a “Power Pak” a foot away that houses 14 D batteries

Jay Cutler: The little cardboard anti-counterfeit wheel that will let you play Kid Pix

Matt Schaub: Beige mouse, shaped like a perfect rectangle, that is metallic and cold to the touch and rings a little bell when you click the button

Joe Flacco: Some rocks

Ryan Tannehill: 40-foot phone cord that is plugged into your modem and runs taut to the phone jack on the other end of the house, because the bozos who built this house didn’t count on you, hotshot

Josh Freeman: Hewlett-Packard that crashes five minutes into every game of Half-Life, but at least you get to walk around the train car in the beginning and hear cool announcements about the Black Mesa facility

Michael Vick: Wireless keyboard, which you end up using two feet away from the computer anyway, and can’t use without thinking about how happy the turtlenecked people looked on the box

Kevin Kolb: Upright Gateway computer tower that you’re still turning sideways and stacking the monitor on top of, because 1991 never really ended for you

Jake Locker: External sound device that looks like an answering machine and only works with King’s Quest IV

Blaine Gabbert: CueCat