1. Leave INFOWARS and/or PrisonPlanet bumper stickers on every base.
The List: Worst possible home run celebrations
Wednesday night, the Brewers’ Carlos Gomez celebrated his home run by rounding the bases while wearing a hat made out of plastic. Spencer Hall, Bill Hanstock, David Roth, and Jon Bois thought of some celebrations that would be even worse.
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2. Fireman-carry the batboy to the tune of Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising.”
3. Arrange for the Memphis Grizzlies to follow you around the bases, hooting and hollering in disbelief.
4. Take Anthony Bourdain around the bases with you, jocularly explain what is “so great, so unique” about the area around each base.
5. 360’ of Ginuwine’s “Sex Pony” dance.
6. Stare at yourself on Jumbotron, loudly and profanely insist that you’re standing right here and that that image isn’t the actual you.
7. Repeat the nameless Y-wing pilot’s “STAY ON TARGET. STAY ON TARGET.”
8. Carry around the siren markers from the final round of the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? game show, correctly identify each base.
9. Stop at second to pee and smoke.
10. Suggest that a wrap is a sandwich.
