This Week In GIFs: It is the year 700

A couple years ago, I likened every NFL quarterback to a weapon from a video game. I was pretty satisfied to assign him the Siege Tank from StarCraft, which must lock itself to the ground before administering its devastating cannon attack.

At the time, Peyton Manning was still on the way back from major surgery, and nobody really knew whether he still had the capacity to be effective, much less his old self. At any rate, he was already the least-scrambly quarterback in an era that had become known for them. Surely old, post-surgery Manning would be as stationary as the Civil War cannon outside the VFW lodge.

Even the relatively stationary quarterback -- the Aaron Rodgers or Jason Campbell -- can pick up a first down or two when the defense exposes itself. Manning, nearly 38, plays better quarterback than anybody, and with that possibility virtually completely taken off the board

Above, we see who the Mortified Michigan Punter would be if he were a million-year-old god. Sometimes an asteroid crashes into one of his favorite planets, because he forgot where he put them. But he is not afraid, because he is the one who put them there.

(For more on Peyton Manning, Mean-Ass Dad, Spencer wrote a bit on him this morning. It’s terrific.)

If you’re familiar with the Breaking Madden series, this might be a familiar sight. Contemporary video game players, the ones who exist inside dynamic physics engines, occasionally find themselves in hilarious positions. They might lie slack on top of a guy who’s still running with the ball, or grasp madly at thin air with the ball carrier behind them, or something. But those guys live in a plastic house full of RAM. They have never been outside, and they’re only a few minutes old. Seriously, what are y’all doing?

This might be the and-1 of the season to date. I like his teammate (that might be Nene, but I’m not sure) jumping up to send it home a couple seconds after the whistle has clearly been blown. He might have noticed that there was a hole in the bottom of the net and that the ball was about to fall out of it.

(Via @Nick_Pants)

Here is Alabama coach Nick Saban participating in a leisure activity for the first time since 1977. There’s a whole lot to catch you up on, Nick, but first things first: the snake-in-a-can prank has drifted so far out of vogue that people will TOTALLY fall for it now. It was pretty leave-it-to-Beaver stuff when I was growing up; kids growing up today have probably never even heard of it. So have fun with that. We also cry a lot, so be ready for that, too.

In my personal favorite GIF of the week, Mike Milbury -- casually, and for absolutely no apparent reason -- pours his drink on the studio floor in the middle of a segment. It’s like he’s a Medieval lord, living in an age where there wasn’t a garbage can, toilet, or Kleenex so much as there was, “the floor.”

This is the same Mike Milbury who climbed into the stands, ripped a shoe off a fan’s foot, and beat him with it. This is the most 8th-century dude. Bet he ties his pants and buckles his shoes. Bet when he gets a cold, he ties a lemon to his elbow or some shit.

Between Michelle Obama, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Jim Bankoff, and Ray Allen, there is just so much clout in this GIF.

Paul George? More like Paul George John Ringo.

I have made this joke available to print and cut out in a variety of dimensions.

Business card:

Diploma:

Extra business card in case you would like to give one to a friend:

VOTE!