There is a reason why the Inuit and Yupik languages have dozens of names for snow, and there is also a reason why none of those names are, like, “Kevin” or “Breanne.” The first reason would be because snow helps define the Eskimo world, and is not so much a climatological thing as an existential one; there’s a lot to it. The reason for the second thing is that it’s pretty dumb to name a snowstorm the way one might name a child or dachshund. So, naturally, The Weather Channel has now decided that it will be naming winter storms. And not terribly well, either:
USA TODAY Sports
It is for the best that we will almost certainly run out of winter before we have to hear someone say the words “Winter Storm Maximus,” but we all deserve better than a bunch of winter storms that have been stuck with the sort of names that Colin Kaepernick would give to a pet.
To address this, SB Nation’s team of climatologists and nomenclature experts -- Tom Ziller, David Roth, Brian Floyd and Michael Katz -- have come up with a much-improved list of names for winter storms. Use them as needed. Or don’t, because storms don’t need names. But if they somehow do need names, now, these would be the names they need.
SB NATION WINTER STORM NAMES
AndersonCooper
Barkevious
Chudzinski
Dangermouse
Eggwich
Frodo
Gout
Hitner
Ilgauskas
Jerichoholic
Krampus
Loaf
Manwich
Netscape
Ovinton J’Anthony
Polynice
Quintorris
Rondo
Stromile
TexWinterTheMasterOfTheTriangleOffense
Udonis
Vitamix
Wario
Xzibit
Youppi
Zaza
