‘Survivor’ wants you to balls up, even without John Rocker

Yes, our stalwart celebrity lead, John Rocker, was voted off of Survivor last week, but his girlfriend Julie remains. They still managed to cram plenty of Rocker (ew) into the opening recap, plus people aren’t done talking about him! Beyond all that, this show is still insufferable and ridiculous, in addition to totally being sports. So let us continue this journey, together. We’re in it ‘til the bitter end, everyone.

- Baylor was REALLY excited about John being voted off. She noted he was the “biggest, strongest guy” on their team, but suggested that the removal of his bad attitude would probably help their team overall. We call that “Ecksteining,” Baylor.

- With John off of the island, his tribe pretty much admits that Dale, the only guy left on their team over like 35, is pretty much on the chopping block. Dale is just like, “Yup, I’m screwed.”

- Julie makes this face when she finds out John has been voted off:

The rest of her team gives his being off a standing ovation. On the one hand, kind of a dick move to be so cold-blooded to your teammate, guys. On the other hand, lol everyone feels the same way about John Rocker except him and possibly Julie.

- When asked how she feels about all this (because Jeff Probst is basically Dr. Phil with a hairline), Julie says she’s “Going to try to be blind to it and stand on my own two feet.” I am rooting for Julie. So she’ll probably be voted off pretty soon.

- Jon, a former linebacker for the Michigan State Spartans, is really good at all of the physical challenges and is definitely the most athletic person now that John is off the show. If you want to leap to the conclusion that college football players are better athletes than baseball players, you can do that. After all, Rocker has now been outlasted by both Michigan State and Baylor.

- After the opening challenge, Julie’s tribe asks her if she’s okay with John being voted off, because I guess the producers stand off-camera and stage-whisper “TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS” any time things get too dull. Julie says it kinda sucks, but it’s good that she doesn’t have to be a bystander anymore, or have to worry about him. Now she can focus on playing the game. Yep, Julie is basically the voice of reason here. YOU’VE WON ME OVER, BANDANA-SHIRT.

- Immediately after that scene, in a testimonial, Julie says it was “hurtful” to know that everyone hated John Rocker, the love of her life. “This happens all the time with John, where everyone is prepared to hate him from day one.” Yeah, that ... sounds about right.

- Sure enough, the instant John Rocker is voted off, his team wins their first immunity challenge of the entire season. I’m starting to know what these words mean and that makes me really sad.

- Julie will survive another week, at least. There were two votes for her in her tribe’s first trip to ... vote-y off-y town. I think that’s the technical name. But she remains. She endures.

- A guy on Julie’s team is upset that he’s “eating as much as a 100-pound girl” and says he needs to “balls up” and “make decisions that nobody else wants to do.” He says “Without me, these people would be pretty much nothing.” Yep, the team that’s won every single challenge would be nothing without you, buddy. Sure.

Someone please make a shirt that says BALLS UP.

- This “Balls Up” genius finds the flint that his team lost in the first episode and traded away their fishing gear for, so he tries to trade back the “good as new” flint for just “some” of the fishing gear. In his words, “Just like a mask. And a snorkel. And a spear.” It’s like the “I don’t need anything” scene from The Jerk, but actually pathetic instead of funny. Also, Probst is like “Or nah.” So he gets nothing except for the deep embarrassment of his tribe. After all this, he still makes a point to say it was worth a try, because “nobody else had the balls to do it.”

WE GET IT MAN, YOU HAVE TESTICLES. WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO BALLS DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS. Sheesh.

- I’m not sure why they’re so embarrassed, though. You people are already on an exploitative competition reality show. It’s not like there’s any dignity left to mine here.

- The opening challenge involves throwing a grappling hook and then jumping on a “Mouse Trap” style catapult to launch balls. Not the balls that Balls Up is talking about. Actual balls. This definitely supports my assertion that “Survivor” is just “Double Dare” for people who think they’re too grown-up to go down a slide into a gargantuan sundae. SPOILER: You are never too old to slide into a big sundae. I recommend head-first.

- Balls Up gets sent to Exile Island, where he spends time ogling Jon’s girlfriend’s butt. People keep talking about how Balls Up is a lady’s man. He’s actually just an idiot. He tells his Exile Island compatriot, Jaclyn, that he’s going to start voting off all the girls on his team, because they’re “untrustworthy” and “don’t have much chance to compete” with the men. Balls Up, you’re on my list.

- Keith and Jeremy, both firefighters, are aware there was a hidden idol near their camp. Keith looked for it and couldn’t find it, so he told everyone that Jeremy must have it. Jeremy flips out, saying that Keith BROKE THE FIREFIGHTER’S CODE. I would have assumed breaking the firefighter’s code would be marrying a big ball of fire or something.

- Balls Up’s brother is possibly even dumber than Balls Up. When he does a bad job of reading a thing, Baylor says she’ll read it. He then looks like the saddest member of Creed ever.

- Balls Up suggests that he threw his team’s Immunity Challenge on purpose, because he wants to get rid of “some of the snakes in our tribe.” He follows up by saying, “That’s what makes me the kingpin of this tribe. I’m kind of a badass.” He then immediately undermines the suggestion that he’s a badass by laughing. Because he laughs by going, “hwuah,” like Bill and Ted. It’s awful. These brothers are awful.

That aside, how are you a “badass” for taking a dive to make your own, super-dominant team less strong? I think I still don’t get the intricacies of “Survivor.” (NOTE: There are no intricacies.)

- Balls Up then becomes pretty adamant that they need to vote Kelly off, because she’s the most “low key” player, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone basically hates him. Then, in the absolute worst part of the season to date (yes, worse than John Rocker threatening to knock a woman’s teeth out), Balls Up says when they vote Kelly off, “All these bitches won’t know what to do, and they’ll come to us. Think about it!” As he says this to two guys in his tribe, very loudly, Kelly is standing like eight feet away listening to all of it.

You’re all dummies, “Survivor” contestants. Especially Balls Up.

- Oh, did I say “especially Balls Up?” Yes, Balls Up gets voted off, because he was the absolute worst. And now he’s gone.

Guess you should have Ballsed Up harder, bro. Hwuah.