Welcome back to ‘Survivor,’ where there’s suddenly a taco bar

Yes, John Rocker has been voted off of Survivor and his girlfriend Julie quit the game after the Survivors were rocked by #TRAILMIXSCANDAL, but we press on. We press on, because Survivor is sports. And there are no other sports that happen on Wednesday nights in November. It’s true. You can look it up.

- The above image is how the episode opens up. A maudlin shot of Julie’s discarded ... canteen, I guess. It’s not quite as symbolic as the Hell’s Kitchen coat hooks that SET A PERSON’S VISAGE ABLAZE, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.

- The remaining Survivorkateers start the episode by complaining about Julie quitting the show. “I’m so pissed that Julie quit that way,” they say, as though they weren’t going to vote Julie off for legitimately obtained trail mix a few hours ago. “It really threw a wrinkle in the plan,” says a person who has never heard an idiom before.

- The prize they can win for the physical challenge this week is a taco bar. A fully-staffed cabana with a full-on staff of people in caps and aprons and a chalkboard menu.

Jeff Probst runs down the eats they can choose from: “Chicken, beef, CORN!” One of the Survivors leans toward the others and says, “We’ve been talking about this one.” Is this a normal thing? Probst keeps going: “Beer, iced tea and margaritas.” Again, I’m shocked there’s no product placement on this show. If you’re going to construct a whole taco stand and magaritas and glassware, why not be like, “This week, your reward is BURGER KING! Try the new Angry Whopper! You’ve been dreaming about this one! Sorry, we don’t have chicken fries anymore.”

- To do the physical challenge, Probst announces, “We’ll do a schoolyard pick to determine our two teams.” Why did they merge the tribes, then? You’re still pitting teams against one another.

- I forgot to mention this last week, but I’ve mentioned before how irritating Jeff Probst’s running commentary during physical challenges is to me, the guy watching at home. I can only imagine how insufferable it is for the contestants to have to deal with that while they do things. Last week’s challenge was particularly egregious, as people were having to balance balls on platforms on ropes for over 25 minutes while Probst stood around barking OH OOPS NOW WESLEY’S BALLS ARE MOVING HERE COMES THE WIND THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT. In conclusion, stop that.

- Probst also holds up double peace signs/V for victory signs after every challenge is over. I don’t believe for a moment he’s happy for any of these people. I also thinks maybe he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. I recommend the Hulk Hogan bow and arrow pose.

- Just gonna leave this Baylor quote here, verbatim: “It was uncomfortable, when Josh came up to me and said, ‘You owe me.’ I almost feel like ... I’m being, like, blackmailed a little bit. To me, that just doesn’t seem like a guy who comes from a Christian family and a pastor for a dad. I mean, I was taught that you should give a gift without expecting anything return, so ... I feel like I don’t owe him anything.”

- Jon, on Exile Island, gets a clue that says “LACK OF WATER IS A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD.” He immediately intuits that means he needs to search a peninsula during low tide, because the peninsula looks like a sword. (The immunity idol is actually at the base of a large spire, which ALSO looks like a sword.) Glad everyone on this show knows how to play this impenetrable game, because I’d just be sitting on the beach yelling “Y’ALL SCUMBAGS AREN’T GETTING MY TRAIL MIX.”

- Everyone hates Baylor’s guts, saying that she never does anything. Meanwhile, every single shot of everyone is just them sitting or lying around. It’s hard for a show to depict someone not pulling their own weight when everything that isn’t a physical challenge is people lying on their backs with an arm slung over their faces, or ambling slowly through the woods while stage-whispering at each other how important it is that they form an alliance.

- These people have all supposedly been on this island for 21 days without basic human comforts, but they’re all remarkably hairless in their cosmetic-hairlessness areas. Not sayin’; just sayin’.

- The bickering among everyone at the tribal council before voting, without anyone looking at the person they’re talking to or about, just keeping their eyes locked on Jeff Probst, is the absolute worst. I vote all of these people off my television. I bet Golden Girls is on Hallmark Channel right now. There’s a 95 percent chance of that. I could be watching Blanche telling inappropriate stories of sexual liaisons.

- Balls Up’s brother writes Baylor’s name on a piece of faux-parchment and whispers to the camera, “Sorry you can’t handle hangin’ out with the big boys.” I think he means his balls. Which have been ballsed up to the fullest, I imagine.

- Josh is voted out over Baylor by one vote. Can’t imagine Baylor lasts another week. We’ll find out together! God help us.