WWE Survivor Series 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

Survivor Series used to be one of the WWE’s “Big Four” shows every year (mostly by virtue of it being one of the only four annual pay-per-views), but it hasn’t really had any prestige since even before it was the final resting place of the shameful “WCW Invasion” angle in 2001. It’s also not likely to return to notoriety any time soon, but at least this year you can watch the event for free, as part of WWE’s special “sign up for WWE Network and get November for free.” You should already be subscribing to WWE Network anyway, you bozos, but that promotion (although lightly smacking of desperation) seems worthwhile.

The build-up to this year’s Survivor Series over the past month has been ... bad? Regrettable? Mega-worst? Whatever the Mad Lib adjective may be, there’s still time before the show for us to find you some reasons to care about all this punchkickery, so let’s get down to business.

What am I looking at here? This is a whole lot of Divas! Most of them are on E!‘s Total Divas and all of them have a very nebulous relationship with one another on WWE’s weekly wrestling shows. Alicia Fox and Paige have been in a quasi-feud recently and Naomi and Cameron used to be in a tag team together, but other than that, this is TRULY a Survivor Series throwback, in that they’re tossing a bunch of wrestlers out there just to kill time.

Why you should care: Emma is actually on a PPV! The immensely talented and underutilized Australian has been pretty much relegated to losing a match every few weeks ever since she maybe-accidentally shoplifted an iPhone case from a Wal*Mart and got briefly fired. Let’s all really, really hope she gets a chance to shine on Sunday night, if only for a single moment.

What am I looking at here? Tag team madness! I don’t know if you remembered last month, when the Dust Brothers beat the Usos yet again and I said this about those two teams:

These are still really the only two tag teams in the company, since Luke Harper is preparing to branch out from Erick Rowan and Los Matadores aren’t getting a tag team title shot any time soon.

Surprise! Los Matadores are getting a tag team title shot! Now there are four tag teams! That escalated quickly. Los Matadores, in case you weren’t aware, are the two guys dressed as matadors, who come to the ring with a small man dressed as a bull. The Miz is accompanied by his stunt double, Damien Mizdow (née Sandow), who has been the best and most popular thing in the WWE over the past two months.

Why you should care: Keep your eyes on Mizdow for the entire match. You won’t regret it. This should be a fun match, with either the Dust Brothers retaining or Miz and Mizdow winding up as your new tag champs. On paper, this is going to be the second-best match on the card. Out of five matches.

Hey, you’re getting this for free, jerks.

What am I looking at here? Dean Ambrose is the unhinged maniac-looking dude with greasy hair. Bray Wyatt is the unhinged maniac-looking dude with much longer greasy hair.

Why you should care: These two guys are going to beat the stuffing out of each other and it might just end up being a realistic, legendary instant classic. Two of the most all-around talented guys on the roster are getting a chance to go out and steal the show. Odds are good they’ll be able to do just that.

What am I looking at here? AJ Lee has been the Divas champion (more or less) for quite some time now. Nikki Bella is about a foot taller and many pounds heavier than her. Nikki’s twin sister, Brie, will accompany her to the ring, because Brie lost a match and has to be Nikki’s personal assistant now. I don’t know; it’s a whole thing.

Why you should care: Nikki has secretly turned herself into an exceptionally competent bruiser and will probably manhandle AJ for the duration of the match, which should be fun. Also, there’s a good chance that Nikki could win the title here, which would send Internet rumormongers into a tizzy about whether AJ is leaving the company or whether WWE has changed their “policy” on “allowing” Total Divas cast members to hold the title.

Wait, never mind, those are horrible reasons to care. That stuff’s never any fun.

What am I looking at here? Well, that’s officially the longest single match description ever, for starters. John Cena and Big Show, you probably know. Dolph Ziggler is basically Speedball from the New Warriors, but with slightly better hair and a much better physique. Erick Rowan was previously part of the Wyatt Family with Luke Harper, but he’s just been sort of lightly creeping around for the past few weeks and now he wants a piece of his former(?) partner. Ryback is a ridiculously beefy dude who is secretly great but the company isn’t really sure how to utilize him, but he may not actually wrestle in the match anyway (see below).

Seth Rollins is the midpoint between an anime character and a giraffe doing Crossfit. Kane is now Corporate Kane, which means he’s Kane in a suit. Rusev is the hero of Russia (even though he’s Bulgarian), Luke Harper is a big scary lumberjack-looking dude and Mark Henry is the world’s strongest man.

Why you should care: The Authority (led by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) have a real problem with John Cena, their most successful and lucrative wrestler, so they’re trying to rub him out for good by STACKING THE ODDS AGAINST HIM, a tactic which has a 0% success rate in one million attempts. Vince McMahon has decreed that if Team Cena wins, the Authority will no longer be in power. The Authority, meanwhile, has decreed that if Team Authority wins, John Cena and his entire team is fired.

So basically, Team Cena is going to win.

There’s no drama and no suspense here. Team Cena is going to win. If they lose, Cena will be “fired” in the sense that he’ll appear on WWE television twice a week, trying to get his job back. He’ll probably have to wrestle in a CENA WINS CENA’S JOB BACK ON A POLE MATCH at TLC in December. The only other storyline bit of business here is whether Ryback is too injured following the events of SmackDown! to participate in this match. In which case, look for a vengeful Randy Orton to hit an RKO FROM OUT OF NOWHERE on someone and help give Team Cena the win.

There’s your reason to care about this match: a wild Randy Orton appearing. WWE is a weird place when they’re not on the road to WrestleMania.