How to get horses into the Winter Olympics
Once again, the most magnificent of all beasts is shut out of the Winter Games. This has to stop.
Alex Livesey
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
Every four years, people all over the world tune in to see the greatest athletic competition that exists. Of course I am referring to the Equestrian events at the quadrennial “Summer Olympics.” The most noble of Earth’s creatures gather together from every continent nearly every continent [Editor’s note: We forgot that horses cannot survive in Antarctica. Yet. We still dare to dream.] in order to compete and see who is “top horse” (Equestrian term).
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But the cries of horse enthusiasts the world over grow louder: four years is too long to wait. Far too long. The Olympic committee must act: get horses into the Winter Olympics.
How, you ask? Well, apart from actual Winter-based Equestrian events like the BMW Snow Trotting competition (pictured above), we here at SB Nation have put our heads together to come up with some viable Winter Equestrian events. We can only hope that the so-called “IOC” listens to the desperate cries of the equine-loving throngs, dying for something to cheer about ... cries that grow louder every day.
Here are our proposed events:
ICE HORSE
Combining the two most popular Olympics elements (ice skating and horses) is a “no-brainer.” Set up an ice-skating rink. The horse that can make it from one side of the rink to the other while looking the most noble doing so wins. Judges can score horses based on elegance, time and shininess of coat. Horses that consider themselves “showboaters” can throw in a canter, maybe. Anything is fair game in Ice Horse!
SNOW HORSE
Horses love snow! Here is a Google image search for “horses love snow” (not to be confused with the John Cusack “rom-com” of the same name). Look how much they love snow! You can further divide Snow Horse into discrete events like “Frolicking,” “Rapturous Joy,” or just the standard “Horseplay.”
BUDWEISER HORSE
Just hook some Clydesdales to that inspirational red wagon and go for a spin around a middle-America small town, reminding the stoic working class that there are still heroes to believe in, no matter how hard things get. Horses get bonus points if they fall into a deep, platonic love with either a dog or a farmer.
DOWNHILL HORSE
You just TRY to stop ‘em, bud!
HORSE BIATHLON
Sure, horses don’t know how to ski or fire rifles YET, but they’re ten times as smart as a dolphin*! How hard could it be? Here, I’ve put together a mock-up:
HORSE LUGE
Okay, this one may be a bad idea. We’ll revisit it later.
Overall, I believe we have made our point: horses belong in the Olympics, because the Olympics belong to horses. Listen to us, IOC. Don’t let another four years go by while the horse-starved masses are clamoring for Equestrian. Just look how happy you could make a horse, today:
Should the Winter Olympics remain a bigoted, humans-only affair? in the words of Seabiscuit (hero, American, Winter Olympics hopeful), “Neigh.”
If you support our cause, please use the hashtag #HorsesInWinterOlympicsNow. Thank you.
*According to the National Board Of Horse Scientists (NBOHS).**
**NBOHS is a collective of horses that are scientists, not scientists that study horses.***
***These horse scientists are not recognized as such by human organizations.****
****Humans, unlike horses, are fallible.
(images by Justin Bopp)
More on the Winter Olympics:
• Hockey: Men’s schedule | All 12 men’s rosters | USA roster analysis
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