‘24’ episode 9: Jack Bauer is the world’s worst bellhop

1. Jack Bauer will take / your baggage for you // and what is your baggage / well guess what it’s you

This is my favorite bit from the Wikipedia entry for “bellhop”:

Today’s bellhop must be quick-witted, good with people, and outgoing.Yes, well, Jack Bauer is the bellhop of the future.

I’m gonna miss these terrorist folks. Most of 24’s terrorist outfits have been cold-blooded crime families or ruthless, calculating sociopaths. This was a plucky, four-person terrorist startup, and their plan was nearly foiled when two of those people decided they didn’t really want to be terrorists anymore.

It was a foregone conclusion that these folks would die once Jack got anywhere near them, but their complete inability to handle a weapon was a welcome surprise. Here, Ian knows that Jack has rappelled down their building and is hiding right next to their window. So he totally exposes himself by just pointing his gun at A CITY. Jack Bauer, ever the helpful lift man, is happy to let him downstairs.

It’s about a half-minute before Jack chucks Margot Al-Harazi out the window. Sorry, ma’am, elevator’s slow this evening.

If her cargo pants were any floppier, she might have safely parachuted to the ground. “Boot cut” means you gotta wear boots with ‘em, handcuffed corpse lady!

2. welcome to Hacker Mart, where you can find the hacker solutions that are right for you

In the 24 universe, 30 percent of all structures are either terrorist lairs, or abandoned buildings with free electricity, internet service, and tasteful lighting that terrorists can move into without anyone noticing. The 24 version of SimCity has no “Industrial Zone” tool, only a “Lair Zoning” tool. If you don’t, the terrorists will grow unhappy and move away. (COMMERCE DEMANDS A LAIRPORT.)

The show’s Julian Assange character has been forced to relocate to another lair with his evil hacker buddies. The establishing shots make it look like a god-dang Circuit City commercial.

Looks like our friend here has found a can’t-miss deal on a random tumbleweed of cords that he couldn’t even bother to get all the way into his cart.

This is actually a pretty honest representation of the dying days of CompUSA. In the 2000s, we really started to get the hint that every big-box store to sell electronics not named Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or Target was about to die. (RadioShack’s termite-like tenacity has allowed it to burrow into forgotten strip malls, where consumers can never find it, and neither, at least for now, can the consequences of a completely unviable business model.)

I loved CompUSA as a kid. It was my toy store. I would stare at the boxes of graphics cards far too advanced for my family’s computer and try to understand what the hardware specifications meant. I would run calculations of how much it would cost to build this computer, with that monitor, and this hard drive, and this light-up mouse that lit up for no reason. But CompUSA, a store in which you walked on red gym carpet one minute and white and grey-flecked linoleum the next, was a portal to 1990. It died, and a dying big-box store is not a happy place. Half-opened boxes are everywhere. Most merchandise carries price tags from last year. The stuff that is marked, perhaps via a printed single-page Word document, just makes you feel genuine pity and worry for the person who printed it.

Anyway, dude, I really don’t understand why you have your network cables wound up into your extension cords. I am not scared that you’re out there trying to hack my data, because you will not crack my email password no matter how many times you open Terminal, ping google.com, crack your knuckles, and announce “I’m in” to nobody.

3. thumbs up 4 hacking

Elsewhere in Hacker Mart:

I wish I could remember who said this, but I read an interview with a film director in which he lamented the profound dumbness of extras. He always added the ambient conversation in post, because “who knows what the Hell they’d say if we let them talk?” Thanks to these extras, Julian Assange’s hacker associates are people who give each other the thumbs-up upon connecting a computer monitor. I am glad that they have found the tech solution that is right for them.

4. The title of “main badguy” now belongs to fashion terrorist Benjamin Bratt.

I’m gonna retcon a joke I made earlier this season and refer to Benjamin Bratt’s messenger bag as the Bratt Pack. Is this cool with everybody? Hope it’s cool.

With all the attack drones neutralized, the greatest threat in the bad guy arsenal this season is now poor fashion sense, and Bratt is prepared to unleash it upon an unsuspecting London via a messenger bag worn over a business suit. If you’re sprinting around with this look, in full gallup, you are one of three people:

a. A terribly-conceived stock photo subject who has escaped into real life. You may also be seen standing in your suit on a surfboard with “WWW.COM” painted on top.
b. A recent college graduate on your way to catch a flight for your first job interview. Your mom bought you a suit, but you don’t have any proper luggage. You will not get the job, and will later cry upon reading the note she wrote on a napkin and slipped into your stupid bag.
c. A government suit who’s spent the last hour or so watching as your attempt at high treason has gradually fallen apart. You are currently the 900th person to be chased by Jack Bauer through dank stairwells and access ladders, and are going to die.

5. HACKER MART WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

About 25 minutes after we first checked in on Hacker Mart, let’s check in again on Hacker Mart.

Guy’s still shoppin’ at Hacker Mart. Is ... I think he’s making laps?

6. yeah President Dipshit is alive

who cares