Why you should care about the AFL Grand Final

Australian Rules Football is the kind of bizarre futuresport you see in vignettes during dystopian science fiction movies -- a machination borne from criminals living isolated on an island. It’s a chance to see two teams of nine punters run around an oval twice the size of a football field, dressed like basketball players, trying to kill each other (and themselves) in the most creative ways possible. It’s the duality of beauty and brutality we wouldn’t have any other way, and on Saturday you get to see Sydney and Hawthorn compete in the AFL Grand Final.

It doesn’t matter if you didn’t watch a single AFL game this season. You need to watch this one.

The 2014 season ends with the two best teams in the league, Sydney and Hawthorn, facing off in their third meeting of the season. Their head-to-head record is 1-1, meaning this meeting at the Melbourne Cricket Ground will have extra significance. There’s no clear favorite, and neither team should run away with the game. In short, this is the best possible game we could have asked for.

It’s been 32 years since the South Melbourne Football Club migrated north to Sydney, and depending on your reverence for history, it’s a move that never should have happened. Fiercely tribalistic Melbournians believe Aussie Rules is a sport wholly their own. Sydney has always been rugby country, and Melbourne Aussie Rules -- but in recent years the proliferation and success of the Swans have turned this idea on its head.

We’re left with the nation’s largest city beginning to turn its attention to AFL in a big way, and there are growing pains associated with it. Rugby crowds are growing smaller just as the Swans have come to prominence. Now an average of 34,000 Sydneysiders don their red and white each week.

The Swans finished the season 17-5.

Photo via Ryan Pierse - Getty Images

Hoo boy, Hawthorn fans are mad about this one. Until 2013, Lance Franklin was one of the Hawks’ crown jewels, a devastatingly effective full forward who routinely led the league in goals.

Then Sydney signed him to an offer sheet.

Suddenly the Hawks were in a lurch. Do they pay the 27-year-old forward or believe in their youth? They did the latter, and while it’s the best move long-term, there’s no doubt some ill will toward Franklin for taking his talents to Sydney.

This team used to be called the “Blood Stained Angels” before they moved to Sydney and became the “Swans.” That probably has a better ring to it than “Sydney Blood Stained Angels,” but it’s kind of cool nonetheless.

Photo via Cameron Spencer - Getty Images

Syd “Swannie” Skilton earns a 7.5/10 on our “goofy mascot” scale. Wait ... is that a Hitler mustache?

The Eastern Melbourne suburb of Hawthorn is synonymous with Aussie Rules football. The land they call home might only house 21,000 people in a 6-kilometer radius, but routinely more than 40,000 people pack the Melbourne Cricket Ground to see the Hawks play. They had the highest attendance in the AFL this season. This club is a juggernaut and has been since it was established in 1902.

The Hawks might not win every year, but their consistency is unparalleled -- 11 premierships, at least one in each of the last six decades. Growing up a Hawthorn fan means knowing success, at least once every 10 years. This team won in 2013 and aims to get its first back-to-back grand final win since the Hawks won in 1988 and ‘89.

Hawthorn finished the season 17-5.

Photo via Michael Dodge - Getty Images

In many ways, Roughead is the reason Hawthorn decided not to keep Franklin. The Hawks full forward led the team in goals last season, and they felt the transition was worth taking the risk.

Roughead lifted his game in some areas this season, but saw his goal/behind ratio become a little too close for comfort. While he wasn’t quite as good as the man he replaced, he’s still a reliable kicker who is a difference-maker around goal.

Hawthorn is sponsored by an entire state. Yes, that’s right. The island of Tasmania wants to boost tourism by putting its name on the front of Hawthorn’s jersey.

Photo via Cameron Spencer - Getty Images

Hudson “Hawka” Knights earns a coveted 9 million/10 on our “creepy as hell” mascot ranking system. Never trust a bird with shifty eyes.

★★★

Sydney are favorites at -7.5 points, which is a slim margin in a game where scores over 100 are routine. TAB.com.au is predicting a high-scoring game with the over/under set at 182.5.

Start a pot of coffee and stay up late, because this will be worth it.

FOX Soccer Plus is showing the game live at 12:30 a.m. ET on Saturday, Sep. 27.

Sydney, because you read this and the writer is very biased.