Longtime readers of Breaking Madden may recall what we did for last year’s Super Bowl. I asked y’all to make a donation to the charity of your choice, then placed you into a random drawing to appear as a player in the game: either a seven-foot, 400-pound superhuman, or a five-foot, helpless baby person. You awesome folks raised an estimated $5,000 for charity. That went very well, but the game itself went very, very, catastrophically wrong. Here is what it looked like:
The Breaking Madden Super Bowl: Let’s destroy football for a cause
Make a donation to the charity of your choice, and you might make it into the season finale of Breaking Madden! We’re going to kill football, and you will be to blame.
Music: “The Dead Flag Blues” by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
You can witness all the horrors here, but in short, the game ended when Madden exploded into a fit of glitches, took all the players on the field, and replaced them with an unholy, terrifying fetus creature thing. The screencaps are in that post; otherwise, I wouldn’t expect any of you to believe me.
This year, we’re doing something similar. Every defensive player on both teams will be a helpless baby person. Every offensive player will be a monstrous, 400-pound Goliath. There will be at least 80 custom-created players, and all of them will be named after you.
Here are the rules, if you’d like to participate:
- Donate a minimum of $10 to the charity of your choice. I’m setting a $10 minimum because donations cost charities a significant amount of money to process and feed through the proper channels. Although it won’t improve your odds of being selected, you are certainly encouraged to donate as much as you’d like.
- Only one entry will be counted per person.
- For legal reasons, I can’t recommend a specific charity for you to support, so it’s (almost) entirely up to you. Maybe you’d like to give to a charity that provides support for battered women, or an institution that fights malaria in third-world nations. You might want to donate to your local homeless shelter. The only exception: I won’t accept donations to political parties. This is because politicians are lizard-people.
- When you donate, be sure to get a receipt, and email it to breakingmadden@gmail.com. Most charities will send you a “thanks for donating” email, which you could forward to that address. Or, if necessary, you can send me a screencap from the charity’s website that confirms the donation. This is important: before sending me anything, be sure to black out or delete any personal information you don’t want to share, such as your address or credit card number. If you don’t, I will steal your identity and you will have to live in the middle of a cave forever.
- Also, in your email, please provide the name you’d like your player to have, should you be randomly selected. Both the first and last names can be up to 10 letters in length.
From there, I’ll use a random number generator to select who makes it into the Breaking Madden Super Bowl. If chosen, you might be on the AFC team or the NFC team. You might be a gigantic superhuman monster, or you might end up a tiny helpless baby-person. Unfortunately, I can’t take requests toward this end. (Side note: last year, the overwhelming majority of participants asked to be the baby-people.)
Submissions will remain open until at least this coming Monday, Jan. 19. Given the amount of time it will take to produce, we kind of have to do this in a hurry, so y'all get givin'!
The exact number of roster spots hasn’t been finalized, but there will be a minimum of 80 spots available. For reference’s sake, I received about 150 entries last year, so each donors’ chance of making it in was better than 50 percent. I bet we’ll have more donors this year, so your odds this time around probably won’t be that high, but you should totally have a decent shot.
Good luck, y’all. Together, we kill football.
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