Johnny Damon and Terrell Owens made pies on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

Sunday night brought us the season premiere of the seventh installment of The Celebrity Apprentice, which is also the 14th season of The Apprentice, but nobody cares about dumb old regular Apprentice anymore.

This season pits the men (Team Vortex) against the women (Team Infinity). Team Vortex consists of former MLB player Johnny Damon and former NFL star Terrell Owens, along with Geraldo Rivera, Kevin Jonas, Lorenzo Lamas, Ian Ziering, Gilbert Gottfried and Deadliest Catch captain Sig Hansen. Team Infinity features Olympians Shawn Johnson and Jamie Anderson, Vivica A. Fox, Keshia Knight Pulliam, Kate Gosselin, Leeza Gibbons and two Real Housewife cast members, Brandi Glanville and Kenya Moore.

The premiere focused on the two teams having to make single-serving pies to sell for charity. It ended with Pulliam being the first person “fired” from the show. It was a real roller coaster of pastries, strange phrases and Joe Piscopo. Let’s recap the highlights, shall we?

1. Johnny Damon introduces himself to the home audience by saying, “Being on a new team is something I’m kind of used to.” That’s a little baseball joke for you all.

2. Celebrity advisor Piers Morgan kept stopping by and didn’t once say he wanted to die.

Ahhhhh, that’s better.

3. Johnny Damon initially wears a sport coat with too-long sleeves and fashion jeans, which is a better choice than the Deadliest Catch captain’s leather jacket over untucked party shirt. In the first “casual”(-ish) setting, Damon wears a V-necked T-shirt and a flatcap. The best-dressed men on this show, in order: Terrell Owens, Geraldo, Ian Ziering, Kevin Jonas, Gilbert Gottfried. Everyone else is tied for last.

4. When Keshia Knight Pulliam can’t decide whether her pie-making team should make pear pies or blueberry pies, Jamie Anderson makes the call that they should make a pear-blueberry pie. That proved out to be a winning combination, as the Cake Boss (who for some reason was the pie-tasting expert) said the women’s sweet pies were the best of the four in the competition. (What the hell does the Cake Boss know about pies? Was the Pie Prince unavailable? Call me when the Tart Taskmaster gets a show.)

The women’s savory pie, a taco/enchilada pie, turned out to be a bad idea. Which I guessed the instant someone said “taco pie.”

Kate Gosselin: “I cook three meals a day for nine people.” Except when you take a few weeks off to shoot Celebrity Apprentice, of course.

While complimenting her own aforementioned pear-blueberry pies, Anderson said, “The taste factor from these pies were huge.” Can’t you just say something tastes good anymore? You don’t have to say “taste factor.” Pay attention, #brands.

5. Terrell Owens (who is identified in the show as a “professional wide receiver,” which is probably inaccurate) LOVES Gilbert Gottfried. He says Gottfried is a “breath of fresh air” and stares at him in awe. I don’t blame him. This is the face of a professional wide receiver talking about how awesome Gilbert Gottfried is:

Same.

6. SOME LADIES ON THE STREET THOUGHT TERRELL OWENS WAS CHRIS BROWN.

7. Johnny Damon is probably the most popular non-Jonas on the street, which is kind of surprising, considering he only helped the Yankees win one measly championship. The Deadliest Catch guy says Damon is a hero in this town. “He could be serving salt water from the ocean and the women would drink it.” I guess that guy only knows how to make analogies that involve the sea.

8. Gilbert Gottfried utilized his show business contacts to bring in carnival-type performers to help drum up a crowd for the pie sale. He brought fire swallowers, a burlesque dancer, a Howard Stern lookalike and the actual Joe Piscopo. Seriously, that’s where the actual Joe Piscopo ranked in that hierarchy: below a Howard Stern lookalike. I’m not saying that’s incorrect (because it definitely isn’t), but it’s worth pointing out that’s the state of Joe Piscopo in 2014.

9. Lorenzo Lamas created a low-calorie chicken pot pie for the men’s savory pie option, but was concerned his work wouldn’t be able to stack up to Team Infinity. “Women cook. It’s what they do.” Oh, Lorenzo, no.

10. Terrell Owens brought in the second-least amount of money, with $750. Lamas brought in the least: $100. Damn. People really forgot about Renegade. Or maybe they remembered. Yeah, that probably makes more sense.

11. Kevin Jonas’ face when Piers Morgan points out that he alone has more than two times the amount of Twitter followers than the entire women’s team:

12. When team Vortex celebrates their victory, T.O. toasts using a display tray of nuts.

T.O., you are such a weirdo. Here’s hoping subsequent episodes showcase much more of your weirdness, as well as your blossoming bromance with Gilbert Gottfried.

13. The end music for the show is the EXACT SAME END MUSIC LIBRARY CUE AS THE END OF SURVIVOR. I SHALL NEVER BE FREE OF THIS.