Can we talk about Zlatan?

Hey kiddo, how are you doing? Ah, playing with the old soccer ball again, I see. Learning some tricks? Perfecting those stepovers, pullbacks and Cruyff turns ... ha ha ha. You already look like a world beater. Young Ronaldinho out here! Oh man, hey, when you’re done, can you come inside for a minute? We need to talk about something. Nothing big, just want to have a heart-to-heart with my superstar.

God you’ve gotten so big, where does the time even go? Here, have a juice box. It’s your favorite, fruit punch. Remember how excited you used to be when I showed up to your games with a pack of these and your eyes would light up? I guess nowadays you prefer beer or hard liquor to deal with the crushing losses of your intramural team or the inept play and management of the European club that you invest too much emotion into. Oh, let me open that for you. There you go.

You know, when I was your age I used to have a lot of heroes: Darkwing Duck, Cory Matthews, T.J Detweiler, but above all of those guys, I loved Batman. Here was a kid who saw his parents get killed after leaving the opera (you could make an argument that a parent that takes their child to the opera is a parent that doesn’t love their child) but instead of letting the pain paralyze him, he used it as motivation to become a protector of the people. And he was so cool because the villains feared him. Boy, you just can’t get much better than that. Plus the cool gadgets, cars, motorcycles and the money. God, we could use some money right now.

The ceiling’s peeling, I can barely make the mortgage and the damn water heater keeps ...

Oh right, sorry. Yeah, so I really loved Batman. But remember when we saw The Dark Knight Rises? The one where Tom Hardy wore huge boots and sounded like a British Boomhauer and Christian Bale was eating his own tongue? Now remember when Bane was locked in with Batman and absolutely beat the living snot out of him? He picked him up and then broke his back before tossing him into the pit with all of the Arsenal fans?

Look, let me finish. I need you to listen. Watching that hurt me but it taught me a lesson. Watching my greatest hero get fatalitied broke my heart but I also learned that heroes are no different than the rest of us. They get old. They become weak and frail, and not even the magical healing powers of underground chanting can save them from getting beat up a second time. That’s the truth of life.

Oh dear, I’m already tearing up. Hand me some of those napkins, please.

Ok, so ... you know how you love Zlatan Ibrahimovic, right? I bought you his jersey for your birthday and you’re always making up insane facts about him and yelling DARE TO ZLATAN! whenever you do something cool on the soccer field.

Shhh, shhhh, don’t speak. Just listen.

Zlatan is cool, he really is. He was awesome a few years ago. He was incredible at AC Milan, Inter and Juvent-- Ajax. He’s had an awesome career. Do you want another juice box? I have a bunch of them. They really take the edge off. But yeah, so he was pretty good. And he says all these wild things and stares down players who touch him and he even kicks his own teammates! What a man! But did you see his last game in the Champions League against Real Madrid? Of course you did, you love him. Your eyes were glued to the television.

So you must have saw the same things that I did. You’re a smart and strong kid, and I’m going to need you to be really big for me here okay? I’m going to need you to be stronger than you’ve ever been, can you promise me that?

Alright. Zlatan is washed up. I know, I know. I KNOW. Don’t interrupt please. Here, take some napkins. He’s really not good anymore. When you get a chance, watch that game again, or the game before that, or the one before that; any game this season, really. You’ll notice how he’s been dropping deeper and deeper this season to “create” since he doesn’t really have the pace to play the normal striker role anymore. I also put the air quotes on “create” because he doesn’t do that much either. PSG has better creators than him on the bench. Javier Pastore could turn lead to gold while Zlatan is still trying to turn his defender.

Don’t fret, I’m almost done.

I know you’re hurt, but you need to hear this.

PSG has a magnificent frontline. They also have a dynamic midfield and a stable defense, regardless of the silliness of David Luiz’s hair and Thiago Silva’s penchant to handball for the hell of it. They’re one of the best teams in Europe and they have every right to challenge for the Champions League. We’ll talk about that when you’re much older.

Anyways, remember who’s in their attack? Angel di Maria, Edison Cavani -- he’s good again. I think Falcao decomposing helped -- sometimes Lucas Moura and Javier Pastore? You see how fast all of those players are and how quick they play?

Now if you watch the game again, pay attention to how Zlatan stands out like a sore thumb in the midst of it all. He is either slowing down their attacks, killing counters or being left behind when they go forward. They would probably play better with ten men ... speaking of which!

Oh, see now you’re crying again. I mean, you saw how they played against Chelsea when he was sent off last season. Grow up!

Ok, ok, that was mean. I’m sorry. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you.

It’s not his fault, he’s just old and washed up. It happens. Old people are terrible by nature. Zlatan could still make a living in the MLS. Sebastian Giovinco seems to be doing well there. He could even return to Serie A and win a few more titles with one of the top teams there. Maybe to Juvent-- Fiorentina.

But in the same way that Batman, without all the mystique, is just a rich kid who is playing dress-up because he’s unable to cope with tragedy in an effective manner, Zlatan, without the hype, is an old striker that does more harm than good.

Don’t ... don’t give me those sad eyes. He’s still good at shooting the ball from a distance. That’s pretty cool I guess, even though it’s not useful when di Maria sends in an incisive cross into the far-post and Zlatan is running in quicksand to get to it.

He’s been missing in big games more and more and that’s not just a weird anomaly. It’s what happens when you can’t perform at the highest level anymore. No one cares if he scores ... two ... penalties against Marseille. Wow, that’s really all he has this season? What a time to be alive.

Look, realizing this will only help you going forward. You’re sad now because you’re hurt. But soon you’ll see him as the player that he is, rather than the Zlatan you wish he still was.

Actually, can I get one of those juice boxes, too? I think I broke my own heart by mistake.