MMBM: Cam Newton is the most dangerous hot dog of all

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

I dont know if you guys read the news this morning, but the World Health Organizaton had some pretty shocking things to say about processed meat. Well my first thought was that someone needs to sit Cam down with a newspaper instead of a rolling paper for a change, and show him that there’s no place in this world for a Hot Dog.

And its no coincidence that the QB who spends all his time flashing his grill tends to flame out in the playoffs, folks.

It takes fewer muscles to smile then it does to frown which is just another clear cut example of Cam Newtons undenyable laziness. The examples continue to pile up- he just dosen’t get it.

I’m not racist.

The Cam Newton backlash has nothing to do with his race. If a white QB had the same mischevious grin and wore those gangbanger doo-rags I would be saying the exact same things about him. This is about him being unable to win with dignity and repsect for the game. Well hell, maybe if he had attended a single college long enough to remember what zip code he was in, it might be easier for him to find his class. And arent MVPs suppose to bring people together? If Cam was a truly great player then how come every time I turn around Im writing a column about just how much I dont trust him? Look at the facts- If Newton was a real leader there wouldn’t be so many people saying that hes bad.

Cams been spending too much time in yogurt commercials instead of focusing on his game. Somehow Im not suprised that a guy who spends all his time rushing when he should be more focused on passing is the poster child for going Greek. Ironic that the guy makes old school bring-home-to-Mom-and-Dad guys like me and Sage Rosenfels so uncomfortable because he literally strains cultures.

The great ones understand that its impossible to watch film at the same time your in front of a camera. Maybe Cam should be more concerned with spending more time worrying about how he appears on the game tape then in the commercial breaks. You dont see Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Eli Manning, Andrew Luck, and Russell Wilson, pulling these stunts. Take Brady for example, truly a all-time great who would never get caught up in the theatrics and scandals you see from Cam.

Cam has a history too. Id say Newtons passed every test so far, but how can we be sure it wast some other QB and Newton just put his name on the cover page at the last minute? And Sunday night he showed a incredible amount of disrespect for his former college coach, Chip Kelly by going out and embarassing him on national television.The last time Newton disposed of a Chip so carelessly it was a pentium processor folks.

Theres a reason Newton never made it to Alabama. Hes a hot dog who think hes allready processed enough. To be frank he just looks like a weenie. 6-0 is ok, but just because your on a roll doesnt mean your not the wurst. So relish it while you can because it wont be long til the rest of the league will Catch Up.

Well well well it sure looks like a lot of you are having a healthy serving of crow. All you people who for the passed 6 weeks who have been saying that Cousins is not a good starting quarterback because of his extremeley poor play for the last two years certainly must be feeling pretty stupid.

Some point to the fact that he has a career record of 5-11 as a starter but I seem to recall another former Spartan named King Leonidis that suprised everyone once he got to 300. Next up- the gates of Hell in Foxboro. Also check out Cousins baby blues- like if Cal Ripken Jr and the woman from the cover of National Geographic when we invaded Afghanistan back in 2001 had the most resiliant child of all time:

Alot of nay sayers in DC, but at least for this week- the eyes have it.

Its a rare twofer in the football weekend when the best fans are actually players themselves but thats exactly what happened in the USC Utah game folks. Watch after this nice little completon as two future Dan Campbells celebrate there teammates accomplishments:

Love this spirit. Total psychos.These are the guys who start planning way to early on how to get the coach with the Gatorade shower. These are the type guys who yell at the chain gang for not changing the down fast enoug. My kinda fellas.

(Via Barstool)

Runner Up: Whoever flew this banner over the Patriots game

Runner Runner Up: A Class Act at the Navy/Tulane game

(H/T Reader Sean)

Listen Im not a snitch. I dont get any great pleasure out of catching teams cheating and ruining there fun for everyone, I really dont. But the Patriots have shown a arrogance about them that demands we hold them to extra accountability.

Yesterday, reports surfaced that Adrian Peterson was put on the injury report for swalloing his dip-spit and making himself nauseous. That got me thinking- you know who else dips on the sidelines after every touchdown? Thats right, New England Patriot Julian Edelman.

Does it all the time. Cherry Skoal guy.

And according to the NFL Rule Book via Mike Perreira, its illegal to have that stuff on the sidelines:

And sure just this pass weekend we’ve seen chewing tobacco in use by Vikings coach Mike Zimmer:

Its one thing for a coach to do it as a celebraton after a big win, its another entirey for a New England Patriot player, given there history of cheating. The difference is, Julian Edelman is a player and he knows its wrong. For example, he even dodged the question at Media Day when I asked him if he used Skoal or Copenhagen. Plus if your a player you can actually gain a advantage to dipping- you get a little lip going and all of the sudden you cant tell if your concussed or just buzzed as hell. Probably why Edelman recovered from those shots he took in the Super Bowl.

So yes, is anyone in the world suprised that the Patriots have been knowingly violating a league rule for the passed 3 years? Given there pattern of behavior I think Goodell needs to take action asap. Dipping is for fans not players. How am I suppose to explain to my children what Edelman is putting in his mouth after a touchdown when I’ve allready shown him how to pack my tin? NFL shouldnt be in the parenting business.

The punishment for this should be for Roger Goodell to tell Edelman hes supsending him for 4 games, and then Edelmans heart will break when Tom Brady dosent really give a shit or make a big deal out of how much he’s going to miss him during the suspension, and then after a few days of Julian realizing they werent as close friends as he thought they were, just drop the suspension entirely. Psychological warfare.

1. Arian Fosters name literaly translates to “Temporary Hitler”

2. Episode two of The Steamroom with PFT Commenter is live and avalable for your downloading enjoyment here. Guests include Eric Winston and Clint Bolling of the Cincinatti Bengles and Chris Long of the St. Louis Rams. 10% of all tshirt sales profits on StrongTakes this month will go to Chris’ charity The Waterboys which helps to provide drinking water to counties in East Africa, and then later on, build them a workout facility and film room.

4. I call him Matt Asshle because he stinks

5. I Call him BJ Manual because he sucks

6. The Indianapolis Colts made the wrong move by releasing Peyton Manning and drafting Luck. All Peyton has done is led the Broncos to a undefeated season so far while Andrew Luck might of played his way right out of a extension and into Free Agency. Bet the Colts would like to have that one back.

7. Building 7 Non-Contact injury of the week goes to Arian Foster. Alot of people are saying that he ruptured his achilles tendon because hes a atheist but I think its because hes a vegan. Ironic that he got hurt on his plant foot.

8. Some people keep things lowkey when they have a weekend off. Not Russell Wilson.

I guess it was Ciaras birthday yetserday and Wilson celebrated not by having vigorous mediocre sex with her like every other red-blooded American male would of done, but instead by like renting Batman and Batgirl costumes, dressing up, hiring a photographer, renting a batmobile and then posting those pictures to twitter:

Given the way Wilsons been underperforming his contract its actually refreshing to see him doing more batman and less robbin.

9. Way way way too many bird teams in the NFL. There are 5 teams named after birds- animals who are literally too chicken to fight on the ground, and there are no teams named after troops is beyond me.

10. Disappointed in Greg Hardy no Im not talking about how he became his own teams biggest Cheerleader by basically attacking the special teams coach, but in his terrble terrble tattoo game. He basically looks like Jason Babin waiting for his next paycheck from GNC to clear so he can get his tribal ink filled in. If I was him I woudnt want reporters and cameras waiting outside my locker either those tats are embarrassing. Hes also got the big hoop earings and everything just all around looks like a type guy who calls you a pussy if he put on your seatbelt. Just seems like a cool dude.

Memo to every NFL reporter ever- I am extremely dissappointed in your lack of professonalism. If a player is hitting you over and over again with the “no comment, next queston” - the trick is to say “Greg, please repsond by saying ‘no comment, next queston’ if your a big piece of shit who flosses with your own jockstrap.” Beat him at his own game.

12. Yahoo claims that 13 million people tuned in to there live Stream of Bills Jags but what they dont say is that the game was on autoplay on Yahoos homepage so the real total was more like 12,999,995.

The Chiefs now lead the league in matching 69 jerseys. A traditon unlike any other.

Did you guys see Newton holding the ball out like a loaf of bread as he got hit stretched out and barley even scored a TD last night? Got me thinking. Could Cam Newtons grip strength be from holding pistols in his spare time? Its a possiblity that you have to at least explore in todays NFL. As many pointed out, Cam loves to chew his blue gum- you guessed it the very same type of bubblicious that Aaron Hernandez couldnt stop chowing down on. Could be communicating with #81 whose a shot-caller on the inside.

Jake Delhomme needs to sit Cam down and have a important conversation with the young man about ball security.

People making a big deal out of the Panthers being undefeated but why are we applauding the guy for doing what hes supposed to do? Sends a bad message to our youth.

This week’s amount is: Vet minimum plus incentives

After the Adrian Peterson dip scandal broke I put out the call for your tabaco related misadventures over the years and you all certanly delivered on them.

I was in infantry training for the Marine Corps back in 2005. During training, dip was off limits. Of course, that didn’t stop people because we were up for long hours and needed to stay awake. A kid was on fire watch (a one hour shift at night to ensure nothing gets stolen, no one tried to run away, etc..) and was dipping.

One of the instructors caught him dipping (they were real sneaky).

In the middle of the night, all the instructors were woken up, made the kid eat the entire tin of dip, and then proceeded to PT him for a half hour. If the kid puked, they were going to make him eat another tin. He didn’t puke until seconds after they were done with him. Of course, the kid was an idiot and was caught again a few weeks later and the same thing happened.

-Nathan