The Houston Texans’ depth is an issue at quarterback

THE HOUSTON TEXANS’ QUARTERBACK DEPTH CHART

2. Ryan Mallett
Oh dear, where to start? Ryan is such a sleepyhead. Indeed, he has trouble getting up with the birds, and recently he overslept and could not travel with his team! What to do with a young man who does nothing but lie in bed all day? What a rube!

[UPDATE: Mallett has been released.]

3. Dennis the Custard Boy
Oh dear, where to start? Dennis the Custard Boy cannot stop eating custard, it seems! He once missed a team meeting on account of getting lost in the custard factory. Has been fined by the league on four separate occasions for wearing an unauthorized bib on the field. What a rube!

4. Little-Trousers Theodore
Oh dear, where to start? Little-Trousers Theodore is so short that you or I could eat a plate of beans off the top of his head, and he would be none the wiser! Is often accompanied by a very tall man who, at a moment’s whim, might lift Theodore by the nape of his neck, place him in his breast pocket and stroll down the street -- which certainly doesn’t amuse Theodore, as you might imagine! What a rube!

5. Mitchell, Mitchell, Lost-Me-Button!
Oh dear, where to start? Mitchell is always losing buttons off his coat. Don’t tell a riddle or joke while in his company, or else he’s liable to guffaw and puff out his chest until yet another brass button pops out. Thank goodness for safety pins! What a rube!

6. Wayward Stuart
Oh dear, where to start? Wayward Stuart spends all evening drinking soda and practicing card tricks with the older boys. No wonder he’s all out of sorts at practice! What a rube!

7. Elmer The Barrow-Boy, Who Cannot Tie His Laces!

Oh dear, where to begin?

Elmer, Elmer, dumb as clay
You haven’t tied your shoes to-day!
You don’t know how and you hide your laces
Inside your stockings, of all the places!

This song is meant to be sung while playing the harmonium. It was written by a scout at the NFL combine, who noticed that during the shoe-lacing drill, Elmer suffered many miscues, including somehow tying his boots together. The drill ended when he lost his balance while pulling on his boot and upset a nearby apple cart! What a rube!

8. Wilbur, Who Will Not Finish His Sprouts!
Oh dear, where to start? Wilbur will not finish eating his plate of sprouts! His mother boiled them all day just for him, and how does he repay her? By growing cross and demanding candies and sweets! That’s no way to grow big and strong, Wilbur. What a rube!

9. Littlest Archibald, who teased a billy goat and is with us no longer!
Oh dear, where to start? Littlest Archibald felt it was all in fun to gallop into the glen and make sport of a billy-goat. Here’s what won’t surprise you: the billy goat charged and send him spilling pell-mell down the hill, beret-over-bottom! And that’s why you oughtn’t bother a billy-goat! What a rube!

10. Zac Dysert
Oh dear, where to start? He is bad. What a rube!

SB Nation presents: Mallett missed the team flight and things got worse against Miami