Kam Chancellor is out there ruining lives

There are aliens among us. They look like us, they talk like us, they even hold out before the season like us. But, trust me on this, they are anything but human and they are dangerous. By "they," I mean him. And by "him," I mean Kam Chancellor. You may know him from such hits as "Oh man, he just destroyed that slot receiver," "Kam please, just let my team win" and his most famous work, "I'm sick of him and I'm sick of the NFL."

The Detroit Lions suck. Let's not pretend here. Though the team is bad -- really bad -- Calvin Johnson is a pretty awesome guy. He's what you get if Mr. Fantastic started doing CrossFit and drinking protein shakes between experiments. Like if the Indominus Rex put on a visor and football pads and pretended to be a real person. Johnson is nicknamed after a robot who once said, "You still fight for the weak! That is why you lose!" Which is ironic considering that Calvin Johnson plays with Matt Stafford. Life.

Anyway, Kam Chancellor did this to him:

Ah man, life as a shawty shouldn't be so rough. Calvin Johnson basically just ran into one of those unfinished areas in a video game where the character just kinda falls and twirls into oblivion until they regenerate. Kam hit him so hard he probably felt like bystanders do when the Men in Black erase their memories. Stafford really led Johnson to his grave like Scar did with Simba. Megatron caught that ball and ran into an "I love you like a brother" text. If there was a GIF to explain how it feels when you're having fun on a Sunday night and then you look at your phone and see an email about the meeting at work on Monday, this is it.

You know it's bad because Golden Tate does the George Jefferson strut right before Johnson gets flipped over like an omelet.

Then, with the game on the line, and Detroit driving for a touchdown after Russell Wilson was dissolved into his molecular form, Kam went after Megatron again:

This is bullying if I've ever seen it. It's mean to the Detroit Lions, it's mean to their fans and most of all, it's rude and disrespectful to Calvin Johnson. The man donates his time and money to the needy and Kam Chancellor took away his happiness in the most heartbreaking fashion. This is Nelson Muntz punching nerds with their own hands while telling them to stop hitting themselves. It's like watching Gordon Ramsay berate everything a young cook, who is honestly trying her hardest, does before having her hold two pieces of bread against her head while reaffirming that she is, indeed, an idiot sandwich.

Calvin Johnson was about to make it to class on time after waking up late and Kam Chancellor stopped him in the hallway, took his lunch money and smacked his books out of his hands. And Calvin Johnson is the jock of the school! He's beating up on the big guy who beats up on the nerds.

The misconception when Kam was holding out was that it would take him a few weeks to get up to speed. That's usually the case with players who miss training camp. There's being in shape, and then there's being in football shape. But that belief doesn't take in the fact that as a Weapon X experiment, Kam is always ready. He's built for one speed and one speed only -- all you have to do is activate his programming.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if his agent is actually Dr. Gero and this entire time he's been letting him absorb other football players to reach his final form. I mean, how else do you explain a man who sits out weeks of hard-nosed, professional American football, then walks in and starts flipping sentient robots like tables? Even beyond those two plays, Chancellor was everywhere. Everywhere. Receivers were dropping sure passes just because he was in the vicinity. He's like the tell-tale heart of defensive backs.

What I suggest is that we pay him. Not to give in to his contract demands per se, but in order to keep our children safe. It's not worth our peace of mind. This man will obviously stop at nothing until he's ruined every team and receiver out there. Calvin Johnson is someone's son, and no mother deserves to see her son tossed around like that. Sure, no one really cares about the Lions, but there's still time to save the good teams. Stop Kam Chancellor.