There are four spaces left at Euro 2016, and Thursday, when Norway take on Hungary, the playoffs begin to determine who will complete the competition. On Friday, Bosnia and Herzegovina will host the Republic of Ireland, then on Saturday Ukraine play Slovenia and Sweden take on their near-neighbours Denmark in what people are presumably calling the Bridge Derby. Then, a few days later, the second legs happen.
Who you should support in the Euro 2016 playoffs
Eight teams into four places doesn’t go, so Europe is about to embark on one final round of playoffs to determine who will be at Euro 2016. We tell you who you should be supporting over the next week.
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Who should you be supporting? Well, if you’re Norwegian, Hungarian, Bosnian, Irish, Ukrainian, Slovenian, Swedish or Danish then you probably know already. But for the rest of you, the Interested Neutrals out there, then we’ve shuffled the teams into order for you. Do not attempt to correct this order. It is correct.
1. Republic of Ireland
We place the Republic of Ireland at the top not because their fans are always great at tournaments, even when their team isn’t. Nor is it because we really like Wes Hoolahan, though we do really like Wes Hoolahan. No, we place them here because Roy Keane walked out of the 2002 World Cup after an argument that began over Irish FA’s amateurish preparations and the poor quality of the facilities provided for the players, and ended with him instructing his manager to “stick it up his bollocks.”
Keane now works for the Football Association of Ireland, as Martin O’Neill’s assistant. Which means that if the Irish get through, they won’t win the tournament but they will deliver a clinic in tournament preparation. The most exclusive seats on the aeroplanes, the finest pasta cooked by the finest chefs and raining pitches smoother than golf greens. John O’Shea’s been around forever. He deserves a little pampering.
2. Sweden
The cult of personality can get a little grating at times, as can the reheated Chuck Norris jokes. And the unstoppable march of time is starting to take its toll. But summer tournaments can feel diminished without the very best footballers there, and so we have to hope that Sweden make it through. After all, can you imagine a month of European international football without Pontus Wernbloom?
We’re at war with ourselves here a little bit, since Bosnia and Herzegovina are playing the Irish, but who put you in charge? The Not-Welsh Dragons have enough quality in their team to irritate anybody — Miralem Pjanic passing to Edin Dzeko is a lovely combination — but more importantly have an excellent and unusual flag. European vexillology can often be a predictable business, and we need the mavericks involved.
4. Slovenia
As Bosnia & Herzegovina are to national flags, so Slovenia are to football kits. Though the colours have changed, their shirts frequently include, traced across the chest, the outline of Triglav, highest mountain in and national symbol of Slovenia. Which is not only exceptionally cool, but something that other countries need to learn from. More geography on shirts, we say. Get the Rock onto Gibraltar's shirts, get the Matterhorn onto Switzerland's. Get the outline of the Mull of Kintyre onto Scotland's, and give English television a problem every time Alan Hutton departs the vertical.
5. Hungary
Despite being one of the weaker teams left in the competition, Hungary were the closest of all the playoff teams to qualifying automatically: Had Turkey not nicked a late winner in their final game, it would have been the Hungarians already planning their holiday to France. It's an open question, however, how much this owes to Hungary's own skill and how much is down to their presence in that weird group where Greece lost to the Faroe Islands. Twice. What we're saying here is, in the nicest possible way, they might not be very good.
Still, there’s one excellent reason to hope they get through. Hungary haven’t been to a major tournament since the 1986 World Cup, a competition that is generally regarded as one of the best (if not the best) international tournaments. We don’t know to what extent this was contingent on Hungary’s presence — they played three games, scored two goals and won just once — but are you willing to take that risk? Are you? Huh? Are you?
6. Norway
These days, Nordic football must be an awkward place. Three of the nominal big boys — Norway, Sweden and Denmark — all forced to slog their way through the playoffs. Two of them reduced to the awkward indignity of playing each other. And all the while Iceland, tiny Iceland, little Iceland, have already qualified in quite some style.
Norway, at least, came pretty close to overhauling two traditionally stronger teams: In their final game against Italy they led for the better part of an hour, only to concede two late goals and eventually finish just one point behind Croatia. They probably go into the game against Hungary as favourites, but we've knocked them down to sixth because the sight of Martin Ødegaard's precocious face, wrapped as it is around his precocious talent, is enough to send us into a blind rage at the waste we've made of our lives. Petty, yes. But satisfying.
7. Denmark
Looking at the evidence, it appears that Denmark only win tournaments when they don’t qualify. So for their own good, we’ve tucked them down here, in the expectation that given the chances, they’ll come charging off the beaches to glory ...
... hang on. We’ve just noticed that this plan is contingent on part of Europe being consumed by a bloody and brutal civil war. We’ve rather gone off this plan. Sorry Denmark.
8. Ukraine
You have still not been forgiven for the 2006 World Cup, Ukraine, and no amount of Yehven Konoplyanka fun is going to change that.
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