Donald Trump wants to ruin the Internet

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“Fuck! Fuck Trump! Fuck him!”

These were the first two words my cab driver from the Las Vegas airport said to me as he pounded the sweet shit out of his steering wheel. It was in reacton from when I told him I was staying at the Trump Tower and I began to wonder if I had gotten into the car with a undercover PC Police. Was this a sting? Turns out he was a Muslim, and he was not happy with Mr. Trumps new immigration policy.

Aside from being a obvous Hater and a Loser, the driver was an immigrant from Afghanistan, where he worked up until 2 years ago as a translater for the United States Marines Corps in combat situations. After several years, and seeing more then a couple of his friends and colleagues killed by dozens of different variations of bad guys with a guns, he was able to come to the United States legally, and he picked Vegas as his landing spot. Now he drives a cab, sends money home,and wants to start a famly. Maybe if he paid attenton to what Trump was saying he would learn a thing or two about the American dream.

Funny thing about flying into Las Vegas is its literaly in the middle of nowhere. Most cities in America evolve and grow organically around some element of geography like a river or forest that has the tastiest stupidest animals. Not Vegas. Vegas exists artifically as big square neon block that starts and stops in perfectley straight lines like when your starting a brand new game in Sim City. Its a oasis thats designed by a psycho horn dog with a t-square and a strobelight to be a blinking sign in the desert that says “Here you go america-this is the place where you go to do the bad things that make you feel good.”

Vegas had just hosted the Democratic debates a couple month’s ago in a undercard matchup. But now they were calling in the heavy hitters.The debate was scheduled for Tuesday night at 9 PM eastern because the RNC understands that if you want people to watch there candidates, you make it a prime time event on the only day of the week that dosen’t have a football game for people to go watch instead.

On Monday I made plans to go to a CNN party with Americas favorite female vice presidental nominee Sarah Palin, and the face that launched a thousend takes. The party had a open bar and free appetizers. More free stuff from the Communist News Network. Whose paying for it? Its you and me folks. There were also alot of people that looked exactly like Dan from Veep Im dead serous I thought I was on a hidden camera show.

After a quick Q&A between Palin and Jake Tapper in which Palin correctley pointed out that the Press was being unfair to Donald Trumps proposal to ban all Muslims from entering the United States because they didnt let him complete his thougt and fully explain himself in his own press release, she played a little word assocation game where Tapper would toss out a name and Palin would give a one-word take. She revealed maybe a little star cross’d lovers type situaton might be going on when Tapper said “O’Malley” and she said “biceps.” I was stadning next to Todd Palin & he laughed a little to hard just to show how little he cared which to be fair is the only thing you can do in a situation like that. Gave him the bro chin-nod of sympathy. Been there.

I actualy got a chance to meet the Governor, got her autograph and we palled around for a second.Told her I was a sportswrigther and she thought that was just the coolest because she got her start in sports media as well. She intimated that maybe I could one day be a Vice Presdential nominee and then she touched me and I was maybe hitting on her and thought maybe Todd was pissed. Gave him the bro nod again which deescelated the situaton.

So as a general rule of thumb if your gonig to give me a open bar Im going to take advantage of it, which I most certainly did in this instance. I got back to the Trump hotel around midnight where several guys who looked like there all Eric Trump cosplayers were in the bar area so I had a couple more.

A older lady (sup?) sat down next to me and we struck up a conversaton. She was as anti-Trump as they come and I was as pro-Trump as there is, but both of our takes were so strong that after a couple hours we had each argued the other person into a 360 degree reversal of mind. It was amazing.I explaned to her that we dont win anymore, and if Trump is President we’re gonna win so much, and good things will be doing robust and strong acts, and your going to just have a tremendous amount of success that your going to get sick of things being so great again, but in a good way.

We said our good byes, I went to my room and I woke up in the middle of the night so very disoriented probly from all the water I drank before bed to counteract the 20 beers I had, that I literaly got lost in the bathroom, which occurred to me is a pretty good metaphor for the presidental nomination process. After a quick nap I found my way back to bed and slept in til 5 AM. This was a business trip.

Anyone knows that if you want a good poltical conversation on the streets of Vegas, you go talk to Fat Elvis drunk on PBR on a hoveround:

Unfortunateley, drunk fat Elvis was not the official moderator of the nights events. That honor went to Wolf Blitzer, who as I pointed out has the lowest strength of take-to-name ratio of all time. If your coming into my world with a name like “Wolf Blitzer” and you dont allready have a size 13 shoe and a talk-radio show by age 6 you should be forced to pick a different name. Wolf Blitzer is the only man in America whose beard needs to grow a beard to cover up his weak chin.

The undercard debate started 3 hours before the main one and nobody watched it. The two that stood out for me were Lindsay Graham and George Pataki as if it even matter’s.

I Love this guy 100%. Allways the first to call a prayers-only meeting in the senate to address gun violence. A firm belever in the Bush doctrine of “you lose 100% of the wars you dont start.” He also just sound’s so downright folksy whether hes talking about pouring beer in his daddys bar growing up,or passing laws granting Obama the power to not disclose the names of people hes killing, killed, or planning to kill in secret drone strikes.

I actualy had a opportunity to visit with Governor Pataki in the Spin Room after the undercard debate and get his thoughts about just how terrble the NFC East is, and whether as President he would make any reseeding changes to the NFL playoffs in the event a sub-500 team won there division:

This debate was going to be focused on foreign polcy which basically means the canidates were going to talk about alot of people and situations that I dont understand, and if you didnt say the word “Israel” every two minutes, your out.

All the canidates offer stark differences to the last 7 years under Obama. Some better, some worse, but here are the only ones who mattered:

Ben Carson doing a foreign pollcy debate is actually very good because hes a outsider. He dosen’t have all the bad habits of these career politicans who treat the geneva conventon like its a big law or something.

Often times it takes a new perpsective to solve a problem by saying something like saying that the compassonate thing to do is to bomb terrorists families, and in a way you have to admit hes right. Also- he wont abort baby Hitler but he can live with colateral damage to baby Hitler if baby Hitlers dad who is also Hitler is in the same house as him.

Only knock against Carson here- he was powerfull in his intro calling for a moment of silence to remember those lost in the San Bernardino shootings. But honestley it was the fastest moment of silence in the history of the world. It lasted like 1.5 seconds, which might seem like a eternity if your Rick Pitino but for the rest of us, we hadnt even begun to put our beers down. Carson could of bled that clock a little bit and left him with less time to screw up his field positon.

Ive also got a big problem with Carsons recent attacks on internet commenting, telling NBCs Chuck Todd, “All you have to do is go on the internet and read any article. And you go to the comments section, you don’t get five comments down before people are calling each other all kinds of names, you know. When did we become so immature?” Well, Mr. Carson alot of people would of said the same thing about “Common Sense” or “The Declaration of Independents.” The original comment section was nailed to a church door in 1517 and if it werent for that, we’d all be condemned to hell so how bout you show a little repsect?

I say this with the greatest reverence, but Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of the modern-day Jim Crow that is politcal correctness. 150 years ago, America wouldnt let people onto busses just because the color of there skin. Nowdays its the exact same thing although now you cant violate the first amendment and make laws banning religons from immigrating without having a PC police tell you that would be against the law. Trump is the only canidate that preaches my values as a internet commenter and for that I am willing to put up with just about anything that he says as long as it sounds cool and he seems confident when he says it.

Slight mistep on his part when he didnt seem to know what the nuclear triad was, but then again neither did I untill I read a blog about it this morning and pretneded I knew all along too. Even still, he hit the nail on the head when he said “The biggest problem we have is nuclear proliferation and having some maniac, having some madman go out and get a nuclear weapon.” And Trumps absolutley right. The last thing we want under a Trump presidency is some hothead with access to a nuclear arsenal.

While I technicaly still endorse Trump and would vote for him if I knew how, theres one part of his foreign policy that I am highly supsicious of: He wants to shut down parts of the internet in a effort to destabilize ISISs recruting. That seems fine enough but what if Trump decides to shut down other parts of the internet- like certain comment sections or worse yet, what if he decides to shut down the part of the internet that has the porn?

Some of us arent as fortunate as Mr. Trump to have such a blazing hot daughter to look at whenever we get the itch so we need our internet as a outlet for this energy, or you could see some very real consequences in terms of my mental health.

Im reminded of the old saying “first they came for ISIS.com, and I didnt say anything because I was not a ISIS forum user. Next they came for ebaumsworld and I didnt speak up because I havent been to ebaums world since I stopped wearing a chain wallet last spring. Then when they came for Redtube there was no one left to speak for me.”

Mr. Trump needs to realize that access to safe, high qualty pornography is a constutionally protected right under the first amendment and the right to peacefully assemble with myself. You can take my pornography, Mr. Trump when you pry it from my warm, slippery hands.

Paul showed extreme weakness in the fact that he says he woudnt be strong enough to be willing to start WW3 just to prove how strong he is.

Donald Trump loves Ted Cruz because hes the only canidate that wants Donald Trump to be President more then he does. Its pretty obvous to even the casual observer that Trump is pimping Cruz out and at one point last night Trump literealy gave him a pat on the back and Cruz might as well of just craned his head to ask for a scratch behind the ears.Ted Cruz is the sucker fish on Donald Trumps Whale Shark, and Cruz is along for the ride until hes veep, or in a very unlikely scenario, Trump says something outragous enough to make him lose his voter base.

The judo master. So good at taking insults and turning them aganst the other person while delivering logical rebuttals. Real old-school “rubber/glue” situation. First it was Jeb that was on the business end of Rubios tricks after attacking him for the “french work week” thing the New York Times told us we were supposed to care about for a week, and then last night Rand Paul called Rubio out and Rubio calmly replied “thanks for the extra 30 seconds to talk.” Utter devastation.

But this technique does give me pause. Im concerned about just how good he is at this, because it tells me he has lots of practice being made fun of and I dont want a nerd in the Oval Office like calling his mom every day to complain about how mean the generals are, and playing D&D with Chuck Shumer. Maybe the real reason he joined that gang of eight thing was just so he could have some freinds.

After the debate, the spin room was a real bust and I had drank all my fireball. Carson showed up for about 10 minutes, Fionia did the same, and no one else even bothered to stop by at all, its almost like they realize that it only exist’s for reporters to ask gotcha queston that will advance there own careers. Sad.

Well, there was one person I wanted to talk to who actually showed up- Trump. And even though I disagree with his potential internet polcies, I still wanted to show him some support while he was on the Hardball show.

When he stepped down from the Chris Matthews set I knew I had to try to get to the bottom of this whole mess and ask him about his plan to shut down the internet, and wether or not it would potential impact my abilty to consume reasonable adult content online.

I struck a real nerve here. Never seen Trump so flustered. A cold chill went up my spine. I actually legitimateley believe that Donald Trump might eventually shut down porn sites, or at least the ones he dosen’t like.

I rushed back to the Trump hotel and went up to my room to check to see if his plan had already been put into motion, for research purposes, only, actually. Thank God it was still there.

For now.