Last year, we wrote about the Twitter account of Tony the Tiger, a tiger who is very bad at tweeting about sports and even worse at fantasy football. He is not the only cereal mascot to have a Twitter account. However, we’d like to warn you: This is not a funny tale, like Tony’s poorly timed, poorly phrased, out-of-touch references to sports. This one gets dark quick.
The dark Twitter story of Cap’n Crunch, his dog, and a pirate who drowned trying to eat cereal
Three years ago, a cereal company live-tweeted the death of a fictional cartoon character. It is not for the faint of heart.
This is the Twitter account of Cap’n Crunch. It’s a pretty straightforward Twitter account documenting a sea captain obsessed with cereal.
So you’re stocking up the lifeboats. Which would you pack? (Serious question. This is an occupational hazard for me.) pic.twitter.com/Kf3AeVztYp
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) April 10, 2015 Like any cereal mascot Twitter account, it has to reference things that happen in the non-cereal world like the Kentucky Derby, NCAA Tournament or Super Bowl.
Wanted a pony. "Ponies aren’t good at oceans," they said. Water polo dreams: crushed. So I’m going to the races. pic.twitter.com/R07Q0E5mvY
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) May 2, 2015 The weather’s warming up just in time for me to go shoot some hoops! (Of course I know what that means. Why?) pic.twitter.com/prAJTQ0RDg
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) March 25, 2015 Sorry I’m late with your sharks, @MissyElliott – wanted to make sure they BOTH could handle your choreography. pic.twitter.com/EjVPqJAFy3
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) February 6, 2015 Cap'n Crunch has a dog, Sea Dog.
.@RealSeaDog. Brave. Resourceful. Undisputed mud-wrestling champion of 2014. Any challengers? #SpringBreakSaturday pic.twitter.com/XqhtmD9plI
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) March 21, 2015 I won't even TELL you what @RealSeaDog did when I said I wanted to see the #Supermoon. I thought we were over the "juvenile humor" phase.
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) February 19, 2015 First defeat of winter: @RealSeaDog beat me in our annual Write Your Name In The Snow contest. Suspect he has been practicing all year.
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) December 17, 2014 Sea Dog also has a Twitter account, @realseadog. This account has been operating since April 2011, and has tweeted over 500 times. It has only ever tweeted one thing: the word "howl" with varying amounts of letters and capitalization.
HHHOOooooooOOOWwwwWWWLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) April 25, 2013 HHHOOOoooOOWWWwWLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) January 10, 2014 hhhhhhhHHHHHHHOOOOOooooWWWwwWWWLLL!!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) October 1, 2014 HHHOoooooooOOOOWWWwWwwwwwwwwwwLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) December 5, 2014 HHHHhhhhhhhOOOoOoOoOooooooooowwwwWWWWWLLLL!!!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) March 5, 2015 HHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhHHHHHoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOoooooooooooOOwwwwWWWWwwwWwwwwwwwwwWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
— Sea Dog (@RealSeaDog) May 1, 2015 This is all it does. This is all it has ever done. This is all it will ever do. Every few months, somebody decides it's time for Sea Dog to howl. He never talks about Cap'n Crunch. He just howls.
Real Sea Dog only follows three accounts. Cap’n Crunch, noted Cap’n Crunch fan Chrissy Teigen, and that of Jean LaFoote, the pirate nemesis of Cap’n Crunch.
Jean LaFoote’s account is in a French accent -- maybe he uses speech-to-text? -- and is entirely about ill-fated attempts to outsmart Cap’n Crunch to plunder cereal.
Zis month I will get zee Crunch myself, @RealCapnCrunch!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) March 2, 2012 I’m feeling lucky zis week, @RealCapnCrunch! #HarHarHar
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) March 12, 2012 I can’t wait ‘til April! Zee cap-i-tan is going to look like a fool! #HarHarHar
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) March 21, 2012 Today’s zee day for me! @RealCapnCrunch!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) April 18, 2012 I have enough milk to last a lifetime! Now to only get zee Crunch!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) June 6, 2012 However, you'll notice all these tweets are from 2012. That's because something happened. Something horrible.
On June 25, 2012, LaFoote sneaks onto and begins to pilot Cap’n Crunch’s ship, the Guppy:
I have taken over zee Guppy! Zee Crunch is mine! Take that, @RealCapnCrunch!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) June 25, 2012 But things don't go as planned.
How do I steer zis ship? I did not learn zis at zee Crunch Academy!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) June 25, 2012 Zis @realseadog is biting at my leg! I shall geeve him some Crunch to keep heem at bay!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) June 25, 2012 And then:
My leg! Zee Crunch not working on zis @realseadog! I am jumping overboard! Zee Crunch will still be mine!
— Jean LaFoote (@RealJeanLaFoote) June 25, 2012 This is Jean LaFoote's last tweet.
You just witnessed a fictional cereal-obsessed pirate die. He jumped into the ocean after getting attacked by a dog, and he was never seen again. Cap’n Crunch himself was remorseless:
Hit the road, @RealJeanLaFoote! ... or should I say hit the water!
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) June 25, 2012 LaFoote leapt into the ocean wounded and almost sure to die -- and yet still dreaming of one day attaining Crunch. He still thought of sweet cereal and delicious milk, even as his lungs filled with salty, briny ocean water. We'll never know if Jean drowned, or if sharks sniffed out his bleeding leg and ripped him to shreds. All we know is that he jumped into the seas, rebuffed one final time in his star-crossed quest for breakfast cereal.
Who knows why a cereal company decided showing the world the real-time death of a cartoon character was wise. But regardless, the next time we eat Cap’n Crunch, we will pour some out for Jean, a deranged, obsessive pirate who died for something we can buy at the supermarket.
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