Donald Trump isn’t telling us something about who or what he really is

We’re required to remind you that this is satire and that all spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

CHARLESTON -- Lets get one thing straight right off the bat I’m not a fan of the city of Charleston. I’ve been in town a grand total of 40 hours & I’m pretty confident in saying that its a bad sports town because theres a beach here and the food is good. Seems like a place that everyone has a friend who moved here after college, so I think everyone here thinks there better than me. No hustle/grit either- it was literally named after a dance that people did back in the 20s, and coach used to always tell us to keep our hands off our knees. I’m staying in a deceptively smelly North Charleston hotel thats otherwise occupied with human roosters who wake me up when they get in at 6 AM, and then again when then wake up at 11. Theres alot of yelling, cussing, and fights but thankfuly no loud weird sex. This is the type of hotel that people return to after they have weird sex somewhere else.

I very quickly decided I didnt want to spend very much time at all in my room before the debate, so yetserday I went out to some townhall events to get my takes limbered up. I started out with Carly Fiorina at a local crab shack that seated about 40 people, so between that and the undercard debate on TV, Carly definitely reached at least several dozen voters yesterday.

The event started at noon and I was the only one day drinking. Like I said, bad sports town.The rest of the room was filled with mostly people over the age of 60 who drink a unusual amount of sweet tea and the host of the event kept calling her Fiorini which sounds more exotic in a way. She was obvously workshopping alot of her new material mostly based around Hillary one-liners like:

All poltics aside how cool would it be if Hillary Clinton got thrown in jail? Just seems like a fun thing to imagine.

After Carly, I headed over to the Citadel to meet with Rick Santorum at his town hall event hosted by the Attorney General of South Carolina.They both spent most of the time talking about how awesome states rights are and that our founding fathers hated big goverment. They had the 10th amendment plastered on posters everywhere in the bulding as a reminder to everyone that anything not specificaly listed in the US constitution like highways or presumably assault weapons should be left to the power of the states and not the federal goverment. Except of course gay marriage because he said that there was a natural law, or Gods law, that supersedes state law. This is what seperates us from heathenous places like Iran and Saudi Arabia. Santorum argued that gay marriage and legalized marijuana were NOT powers that should be left up to the states because God has already ruled on them, and Rick Santorum has interpreted that ruling to mean that the 10th amendment dosent apply to gays and stoners.

Serous PFT Commenter time here folks. I agree with Santorum when he says that states under the 10th amenment should have libertys to do stuff that I like, but I disagree with him when it comes down to him not letting states do stuff that I dont like.

Now Im not a drug user except for alcohol, caffiene, and whatever methamphetamie derivative they put in my preworkout mix. I dont know how to smoke pot but I do have a Taz poster with a weed leaf on it -- full disclosre. But last year my mom was undergoing chemotherapy and dealing with anxiety the whole time. So I did what any good son would do and called my friend Victor and scored her a big fat sack of sweet cheeba for mothers day. My mom who to my knowledge hadnt smoked in 50 years would toke up to help with the stress and nausea that comes along with taking medicine that is quite literaly attacking her own body, in what I now understand was a major violation of natural law.

I met with the Senator after his speech and told him how much I enjoyed the fact that he beleves people in Missouri should be able to dump whatever they want into the Mississippi river without having a bunch of mountain people from Arkansas getting all nosy about it, but I wanted to tell him that I felt that God would probably be pretty ambivilant about a sick person blasting up and playing with there dog every now and then to take their mind off the cancer. He kind of didnt know how to answer that one and he said that we need to wait to hear from the federal government to determine whether or not medical marjuana is safe.

Depsite his consistency I kept arguing and arguing with him as his handler was trying to pull him away until I made a quip about LeVeon Bell and said “Go Steelers” which instantly turned his contentous scowl into a great big smile like he forgot what we were even arguing about and said “Hey thanks!”

Football is the great uniter , and honestly I can udnerstand why someone whose favorite team has had as much success as the Steelers wouldnt be sympathetic to someone who just wants to get high. Marijuana legal if your undergoing chemotherapy, or if your a fan of a bad NFL team. You ever wonder why Bone Thugs smoked all that weed on the first of the month? Because the Browns were 2-9 again.

I had to blow off a little steam after so I headed down to Buffalo Wild Wings to start drinking for the big debate. Theres really no sense in watching the undercards, but Im told Fiorini re-used all of her Hillary zingers, and that Santorum was visibly shaken from having to deal with me earlier.

I pregamed at Buffalo Wild Wings because its just a incredible place to hang out. Drank a bunch of tall beers, pounded some spi-gar wings and packed up my fireball minis to bring into the debate.

Full disclosure: Ive gotten sloppy when it comes to sneaking stuff in. Result of too much early sucess after I brought a Mad Dog into the Superbowl, and a dirty 30 rack of Natural Ice into the Democrat debate in Iowa ... its made me complacent. I just strolled into the arena with my fireball in my shirt pocket and immedately got pulled aside by secret service going in. They patted me down, felt the bottles, asked me what it was, so I pulled 4 out and the agent said “Awesome. Your gonna have a great time. Enjoy the debate.” I thanked him for his service and was on my way.

I’ve pretty much gotten this debate thing all figured out by now to the point where I could probably enter the field in either party and pull in 3% of likely voters. Its pretty simple. Basicaly it boils down to three things you have to say:

Thats it. Boom. Im on the VP short-list.

And for the most part the canidates in this debate stuck to the script. Chris Christe reminded everyone that he was a prosecuter and kind of seemed like he might just be enough of a asshole to whip this country into shape. Ted Cruz said some stuff about how he is more dedicated to the princples of conservatism then everyone else, and Donald Trump basically had Jeb Bush on a leash for two hours.

With the exception of Ted Cruz, most of the canidates looked afraid to go after Trump lest they incur his wrath. Its insane that everyones are scared of being attacked by Donald. Its like FDR being scared to invade Hitler because he’s afraid Adolf will fire back a zinger about his legs. Cruz was the only one up for the challenge & he smartly attacked Trump by insulting the most populated city in the United States. Loves a challenge.

Marco Rubio, who local conservative talk-radio had earlier that day dubbed “the water lover” because of that gaffe back in 2013 where he needed a drink of water, kind of stayed in his lane with the execption of attacking Christie, and when he called Cruz out for flip flopping. Flip flopping is the worst thing you can call someone. You have to beleve the exact same stuff you pretended to beleve 15 years ago or else you have no integrity. But no one really cared because I mean,who can even pretend to get worked up about a feud between two people who arent Donald Trump. John Kasich was nude from the waist down the entire night and no one really even noticed or cared.

They basicaly didnt talk about foreign policy except to say that Hillary Clinton was bad at it and how Iran is going to move into your daughters bedroom or something now that we’re unfreezing some of there assets. Chris Christe deftly avoided addressing the issue of how many enemies he would personaly kill if a Russian aircraft entered our hypothetical no-fly zone, after finally realizing that thats where a mass-flying is most likeley to occur. There was some talk about promoting democracy which got me thinking that maybe democracy has reached the peter principal and we just promoted it way to much until its ineffective. Maybe democracy was just cut out to be a middle manager its whole career and thats ok.

But the GOP has a couple real issues that there facing. First off is the age-gap:

As I understand it a milleneal is someone thats younger then you that you do not like. Not to be a nephew Caleb (word I invented for a milleneal Uncle Tom), but the GOP has struggled to relate to this bloc of younger voters because no one under the age of 30 should ever care about politics. If they can make it to the beer store on Sunday before the 1 PM NFL games kick off thats a major win for them. But they still do on occaision vote, and the Republicans dont do a very good job of explaning why they should love cool stuff like personal responsibilty and abstinence. The GOP just learned what a hashtag was like last week & there still about 2 years away from developing the technology required to photoshop a crying jordan face onto a fetus, so watching them struggle to win my generaton has been underwhelming to say the least.

Milleneals are actually repsonsible for the rise of Donald Trump because there parents have done such a bad job raising them that they annoy the hell out of anyone over 40. Trump has tapped into this prevously unheralded demographic of folks that hate other peoples children, and the result has been a game-changer.

The saddest part of the day was watching Jeb Bush try to appeal to milleneals with a shout-out to DJ Khaled on twitter the morning of the debate. This is what happens when Jeb tries to be cool:

Jebs not cool. Hes never going to be. If your that uncool just embrace it, dont be a poser. Join the quiz bowl team and start a rock collecton, dont come back in to school from a long weekend with a pierced ear and frosted tips and try to act like you didnt spend all Sunday writing a script on your TI-82 to beat drugwars. Guarentee you 100% that Dubya still calls him four eyes.

The biggest issue of the night was hilarously, whether or not Ted Cruz should be the parties nomnee because he was born in Canada. Trump, and through omisson, everyone else on the stage that was too urine-soacked to stand up to Trump, made the claim that Cruz shouldnt be considered because he wasnt born on US soil. Trump just beleves that there would be too much of a libility that the Democrats could exploit if Cruz won the nomination instead of the much safer, less distracting candidacy of Donald Trump.

To me this is a disengenous tactic. Coming from a party whose platform involves the argument that life begins at conception, it shouldnt matter where he was born but rather where his parents had sex to determine citizenship. Its mind boggling to me that Ted hasnt come out swinging and said “Yeah I was born in Calgary, but my parents boned in the bathroom at a San Jose Sharks game so checkmate.”

I tried to explain this strategy to Rick Tyler, Ted Cruzs campaign spokesmen, and its amazing how he struggled to even understand the basic concept of what I was saying:

This is such a no-braner defense that Cruz should of fired every single person he employs for not thinking of this earlier. Could of spared him the last two weeks of trying to educate Trump voters about what a “natural citizen” means.

Besides, its a dumb law. You shouldnt have to be American to be president. I mean you shouldnt be Kenyan but there should be a gentlemans agreement that if you seem basically American then its all good. We should be looking out for the best and brightest regardless of what hemisphere you were born in. The best college football coaches dont come from the state that they coach in. You think Alabamas public school system could of ever produced someone as good as Nick Saban? If being from the same town as your universty was a requirement the Longhorns would of turned the entire 40 acres into a grow-op and co-head coaches McCounaughey and Willie Nelson would be the laughing stock of the big 12.

You want Elite results? Throw some serous money behind it. Theres no reason why the President shouldnt be the higest paid person in America. That we we can attract a splash name with experence, and within 4 year I guarentee you the GOP will of nominated President Putin. Between Reince Preibus and Debbie Wasserman Schultz Im almost beginning to think that the heads of the two major parties are incompetant folks.

But no, Cruz just kind of played the JD card and explained why its a non-issue using facts and centuries of constutional law. And then he swung and missed trying to insult Donald Trump for having “New York values” which Trump masterfully dodged by reminding everyone in the room what the smell of death was to a roaring applause.

One of the big storylines has been the downfall of Dr. Ben Carson. After running out to a early lead based on seeming like a decent guy and not making fun of how a moderator gets her period sometimes, he has suffred a series of missteps. First he took a strangeley pro-Hitler stance when he told me that if he travelled back in time he would not abort the fetus of the young fuhrer. Then he went on a bizzarre and consistant tirade against internet commenters that only escalated last night when he called us all out in a unprovoked attack saying “You cannot go five comments down without people calling each other names.” Huge understatement IMO. Its a major biting-the-hand-that-feeds scenario, and Carsons plummet can be directly tied with his distantsing himself from his main demographic.

After the debate I grabbed Carson for a quick Q& A sesh and wanted to get his take on a pet theory of mine about maybe what the pyramids were actually used for:

Serously think about it. Egyptians knew that the dinos were about to go extinct so they built big pyrmids to store there DNA to build a Jurrassic park. The sphinx probably lost its nose getting Eiffel towered by a couple randy adolescent T Rexs.

The other big hot button issue is whether or not people who practice the religion of Islam should be aloud to enter the United States, which is a actual thing that we’re earnestly debating on a national level in 2016. Leading the discussion has been none other then Mr. Trump. And at first I agreed with him because I mean as a vaguely christan white male its not like its gonna effect me and he sounded so confident in the way he said it. But then I started doing a little research on Mr. Trump, and what I found will shock you.

We all remember that letter he produced from his Doctor saying that he would be the healthiest president in the history of the world. In it, Dr. Bornstein bragged that the 69-year old Trump was in exceptonal shape and has “no history of ever using alchohol or tobacco products.” First of all, you know who else never drank or smoked? Hitler. FDR basicaly wheeled around a pony keg and Churchill was usually legaly drunk before his morning wood went away. Hitler was a teetotaller. I dont trust a man that doesnt drink out of choice. Plus, this is kind of cheating. Of course your going to be healthy if you’ve never tasted alcohol. Not drinking is basically like taking steroids. I want a Presdent with enough grit to pound four lokos, chainsmoke marlboro reds and still be in tip top shape for a state dinner.

But you know who else dosent drink at all? Muslims. And I think that honestly Donald Trump might be a secret Muslim in a huge case of “methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Think it through for a second it allmost makes too much sense. He dosen’t drink, dosen’t smoke, always keeps his head covered by a synthetic cloth, and just like the vast majorty of muslims he hates ISIS. Checks all the boxes. Seems like the whole Islam issue really came out of left field too like he was scared someone would find out his secret. Totally out of the blue, but it was such a strong take that his base had no choice but to respect it. Luckly for me I had some extra fireball, so I wanted to make Trump prove to me he was who he said he was by taking a shot in front of god and me and everyone.

Now, Ive never really had to deal with the securty guards too much at these debates. Usually me and the secret service have a understanding- you do your job, let me do mine, and everyone goes home happy. Not this time. As I was approaching Trump with the intenton of asking him if he was Muslim, I was grabbed &asked to show my papers, pushed, and told to take my hand out of my pocket because it was making them nervous.

I couldnt beleve I was being discriminated against, but thats how I knew I might be on to somthing major. I continued up as close as I coud get to Trump and whipped out the bottle and asked him to adress the rumors that he was Muslim by taking a shot. The secret service reached over the guard rail to grab the bottle, but Im really good at keep-away and held it out of the reach of there prying hands. “Put it down” the guard said. “Put it down.” “Make me” I said.

Trump didnt take the drink, which will only add fuel to the speculation in my opinion.

In conclusion, Trumps attacks on basicaly anyone who is not Donald Trump have made all the canidates reevaluate there strategies, and pretty much been reduced most of them to being a Donald Trump cover band. And theres nothing more American then covering someone elses stuff. Heck, as a country every other war we fight is a cover of the war we just got done with, and it never works out as well the second time.

Like in the Revolution we kicked the Britishes ass out of our damn country. But few years go by and its 1812 and we’re like “damn the revolution was a pretty cool war, maybe should do that again.” Long story short the Brits burned the White House to the ground, & the only battle we won was literaly after the war was over and we had been booed off the stage.

In the mid-teens we easily won WWI, Hemingway was writing books about soldiers being constantley daydrunk having a absolute blast in Paris even though there dicks were blown off, and everything was just peachy keen. Then we decided to cover WW1 after our whole country got sober and it was awful. You ever try to listen to Aerosmiths stuff from when they got clean? They went from making America basically turn themselves into police for falling in love with a underage Alicia Sylverstone in back to back videos to being in GAP commercals within the span of like a week. Net result= we started the cold war and invented weapons that will one day kill every human on earth.

Then we fought some damn war in asia because there were other asian countrys around it that were kind of friends with benefits with the USSR I guess? So we basically pissed a line in the sand across the 38th paralael and told Kim Il-sung to stay in his yard and it was all good.15 years later we decide to fight the exact same war in Vietnam and it was a disaster so we fire basicaly everyone except for Kissinger to stay on as tour manager.

Fast forward to 1991 and we stomp a Texas mudhole in Iraq because basicaly stone cold said so. Then Bush Jr had his Natalie Cole moment and wanted to do finish what his dad started and here we are today looking more and more like were about to elect a Clinton Presdent of the United States again.

Bad news is our Presidents are doomed to continue this trend, but good news is were due for an awesome, brand-new, critically aclaimed comeback war, and there are going to be plenty of canidates on the ballots that would be more then qualified to start it.