America shouldn’t elect a president who wasn’t popular in High School

We’re required to remind you that this is satire and that all spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

If theres one thing that everyone should be judged on for the rest of there lives, it’s what they looked like in High School. Thats why I was so please to discover on IJReview the old yearbook pictures of the democratic and republican 2016 candidates minus Dr. Ben Carson and John Kasich. This should be like releasing birth certificates or medical records as far as I’m concerned, the American public has a right to know who looked like a awkward idiot when they were in there teens.

While other, worse journalists than me, are out there vetting there voting records and campaign financers, I’m going to take the wheel and let you know which candidates were too nerdy or just total spaz cases to ever deserve to smell the oval office. Lets get started.

This is a prototype picture of a guy who spends alot of time befriending his college profesors for some reason. Hes got the kind of hair thats verstile enough to fit in with your lacrosse teamates but also not unruly enough to cost you that internship at Raytheon. Bush looks like the guy whose taken about 4 picks too early in a YMCA basketball game just because hes kind of tall and is wearing his brothers AAU shorts but all he does it set picks and brick 17 foot jump shots that he still shoots from his waste.

Kind of guy you’d almost be releved to find out was dating your daughter, but is that the kind of guy you want leading your country? “Uh hello Mr Putin we were just wondering if we could take Ukrane out for democracy and a movie tonight, oh yes sir I’ll drop her off by 11, heck, how about 10:30? Ok thanks!” Hard pass on this nerd,

Sorry your girlfreind broke up with you after you finished second in the battle of the bands Mike.

The sideburns are actualy pretty bitchin and act like a filter for bad ideas before they ever even get to his ears. Saves money on having a chief of staff right there. The sideburns are a feature Id like to see more Presidents try out. Except for that one time Jimmy Carter grew a mustache to keep his lips from quivring when he was negotiating with Iran we havent had a President with facial hair in over 100 years. Probably the worst thing Hitler ever did was ruining the mustache for world leaders. Just goes to show you how brutally crazy Sadam Hussein was that he insisted on rocking the stash. If your gassing your own citizens or invading sovereign nations the United States can deal with that as long as your clean shaven, its basically like stealth technolgy for evil dictators. But the second you grow out a mustache its like the Batman signal for us to gas up 5 thousand miltary vehicles and haul them halfway around the world until we find you and that rug on your lip laying low underneath some particle board in the desert.

Yeah lets def jam out sometime Mike, hell bring the boys over.

Hell yeah. This is a guy I want to party with. The sweater says “Hi Mrs. Cleaver great to see you!” but the bad boy snarl on his lips says “The second you leave for the grocery store Im headed nose-first to your underwear drawer.”

My main issue with highschool Christie is that he violates my number one rule of not hanging out with someone whose first and last names are basicaly the same. Those guys were allways weirdos almost like they were so unconfident they had to introduce themselves twice. Quit trying so hard.

Love Christies haircut though. Like a conservative Jerry Seinfeld who had a contest with his freinds to see who could go the longest without thinking about Regan and lost.

The fact that she had allready changed her name to Clinton tells you how ambitous she was from the start. Look at her eyes staring above the camera like she literaly already has her sights set on something bigger. Spot a ice queen a mile away from the way she wont even let her own hair touch her on the shoulder.

I can picture her walking behind someone in the lunchline who dosent have enough money to pay for there nutty buddy, and shes getting really pissed off because people are starting to fill up the popular table and she has to make sure to get a seat there. So she taps the person on the shoulder, turns her scowl into a big grin in a instant, laughs for no real reason all friendly-like and pays for the kids ice cream so she can get the hell away from him before he has a chance to develop a crush on her. Gotta give the guy a shot. No thanks.

Whose got two thumbs, wants to reppeal the Americans with Disabilities Act, and just scored Dispatch tickets?

Is he eating a live bird beak-first in this picture? Shows tremendous comitment to fiscal conservativeism if so. Not only did he used to vote like him, but aparently he looked alot like Marco Rubio too until just the last couple of years. I dont think any other canidate has changed appearences more than Cruz. He looks like he’s had the worlds most childless aunts tugging on his cheeks for the past 30 years telling him how cute he is until hes got jowls so big that he finds 3 day old bites of instant grits inside them when he coughs.

Highschool Cruz is a definite possbility but modern day Cruz is the guy who shows up at the 20 year reunon wearing a way-too-big crucifix allmost like its a vampire block against former classmates who want to come up and talk to him about the time they took a dump through the Vice Principals sunroof in front of his super christian wife. You’ve changed Ted, you use to be cool.

This is 100% the girl who carried her flute around school all day and used a roller suitcase instead of a backpack. Got a bit of that crazy-ex girlfriend face but in all honestey I think America could use a crazy ex for a Presdent in the state were in right now. Nice little rebound to build our self esteem back up again after getting out of a abusive longterm with a guy whose allways apologizing for us and telling us how bad we are. Carly would want to spend every waking second with us telling us how great we are and being super encourging until we break up with her after one term to go nude wolf hunting with Sarah Palin.

Carly looks like she was enthusastic about just about everything in High School and was probably exhausting to hang out with. I can be enthusastic about exactly one thing per day and anyone who tells you otherwise is ether lying or insane. Anything past that and I’m faking it and wishing I was on my couch drinking beer and watching a TV show I dont care about. But this right here is a face that launched a thousand bake sales. Couple times a year Lindsay Grahams parents goes out of town & you get invited to a party at his dads bar but you have to hang out with Carly all night cutting out posters for spirit week.

Yeah Carly lets definitley get together &catch up sometime, oh no I dont have facebook, hey is that Christine ODonell overt here I’m gonna go say hi. See ya round.

Damn its incredble

Hell yeah. This is a fine young man right here. I bet Trumps got this New York Miltary Acadamy unform in his closet still and if he gets elected Presdent he’ll wear it whenever he has a meeting with the Joint Chiefs to put himself on equal footing. Rocking this uniform in High School and then getting a million deferrments to the actual military shows a tremendous amount of repsect for our arm forces, its like dressing up as a Ninja Turtle for Holloween and then never taking a shit in a toilet ever again because you dont want to pollute their environment.

Seems like kind’ve guy who never realy blossomed until he hit college and joined a frat so he could finally have friends that were valuable enough to buy. Glad you gained confidence eventually , but you went to a all-dude HS and probly never even got to second base til graduation.

Woudja look at those chompers dear God. Its no wonder he wants the richest Americans to subsidize are dental care because this guy must of spent more money on toothpaste then every proper noun ever mentioned in a Rick Reilly article combined. Maybe Bernie shouldnt badmouth Wall Street so much because if it werent for Proctor and Gamble buying out Crest there manufacturing couldnt keep up with demand. You ever seen a keg full of toothpaste? Bernie has, briefly.

Guarentee you thats not a picture day outfit ether. Bernie wore that same tweed jacket everyday and it smelled like patchouli &vinegar and everyone noticed but him. He’d turn it inside out on Tuesdays and Thursdays even though it wasnt reversible and even wore it in gym class. He’s been a firm belever in “dress for the job you want” since 9th grade, and Bernie’s remaned commited to his lifelong goal of being “a person who will never be President.”

Holy shit he looks exactley like Arnie Zipf from the Simpsons.

Rubio looks like hes attending the funeral of his hot neighbors hubsand.

Whatever the exact opposite of growing into your ears is thats what happen to Marco. Its like if Benjamin Button was a Great Dane. This is the face of a star athelete, future politician, and fella whose 100% against condom use strictly for religious purposes baby, he dosent wanna go to hell. This is the kind of guy where about 7 girls would break up with there long-term boyfriends each year just so they could be avalable if Marco asked them to prom, but he ended up bringing a substitute teacher who smoked 100s and drove a convertible.

Plus his names Marco. Ultmate bad ass name right there. Name one guy named Marco who wasnt cool. Plus Rubios the only canidate who was at one point, a Elite Quarterback. Id vote for the guy if it meant we got to hang out.