MMBM: Cam Newton disrespected police by calling Peyton Manning ‘The Sheriff’

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

In a day that was filled with stunnig upsets, blowouts, and Mike Carey basically referring to the sun as “the moon” for 3 hours unchecked, perhaps the most shocking event occurred after the final whistle was blown in Charlotte. As the Panthers dougied there way off the field, their captain Cam Newton got pulled aside for a quick Q&A for the viewers at home. Fox Sports’ made the call to let Chris Myers handle the intervew since Erin Andrews is likely still traumatized from Richard Shermans outburst two years ago, and he sopke with Newton about the upcoming Superbowl matchup. Cam claimed to not know who the Panthers would be playing, and Myers informed him they’d be taking on Peyton Manning and the Denver Brocnos.

Cams reaction? A sneer, and then a declaration of war on his next target-, “Oh the Sheriff? Wow.”

Calling Manning “The Sherrif” on national TV in a not-so-subtle way of reminding people that a large section of America still views law enforcment as the enemy. Its precisely this type of coded language that makes it so difficult to root for Newton despite his moderate success this year. If Manning had chuckeled in his post-game presser and said “bring on the perp” you can bet that the press would of had a heart attack.

Whenever something happens in society its allways important to wonder what the reaction would be if the person who had done that thing was a diffrent race, that way you can tell for sure that your opinion is correct. So in this instance you can clearly see that if Cam was white, and if his reference was completely different, people would of lost there minds.

You know what the sad part is? Cam allmost had won me over in that game. But heres his major problem- the game is to easy for him. If he were to wince in pain everytime he throws, or let ESPN write a profile of how it takes him a week to get his shoulder pads off because he’s so sore, I could see how maybe I’d root for the guy. But You tell me how its sporting to run 15 yards and then hurdle over your own offense of lineman, do a somersault into the end zone, injure a opponent because you flipped into him and knocked him out, and then get up and smile? If your that much more talented then everyone else, your basically giving a giant middle finger to the entire world if you dont go out of your way to pretend that you kind of suck.

For example, Jesus was litareally the son of God and he went around bathing poor peoples feet, not making them give him pedicures as he ran up the score on Satan. Kind of hard to dab after pulling out a hardfought “w” dying for the worlds sins when your arms are literally nailed to a cross. When Cam wins the MVP you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll be able to count on my antlers how many times he uses the word “humble.”

This matchup of Newton verse Manning is the quitessental old guy verse young guy conundrum, and like alot of things, perhaps the best comparison to make would be a sexual one. A young guy like Cam sprints into the bedroom and just goes buck wild going nonstop and does everything a hundred miles a hour and thinks hes cassanova. Just look at the way he throws the ball as hard as he can all the time, sure it might feel good for him but its just going to leave those on the receving end sore, and its sure not going to help them reach a completion. Tells you he dosen’t know about give and take- thinks its all about him. On the other hand you’ve got Manning who knows all the moves, takes his time, and can really pick his spots- even if its not pretty it can still be effective. Sex is alot like playing catch, sure you can build up a real strong arm if you play by yourself but its alot more fun with two people.

On to the awards:

First of all, scheduling the Champsonship games during the biggest blizzard to hit the East Coast in the last hundred years ensured a ratings bonanza, but it wasnt easy. Goodell had to tune out all the anti-anti-global warming truthers and go with his gut. The payoff was a game when half the worlds NFL viewing audence was snowed in with nothing better to do then watch 8 hours of football and get blind drunk on mouthwash.

Secondly, watching 4 quaters of Tom Brady taking almost as many shots as Vince Young on 6th street had to be sweet redempton for the Commissioner. People like to make fun of Goodell, they say he has no emotion, that hes got the demeanor of a lawyer but with all the plausbilie deniability of a non-lawyer when it comes to making legally inacurrate statements, they say his wife is way to good looking for him, they say he is woefully inconsisntent when it comes to disiplinary matters, they say he only cares about player saftey to the extent that it might effect future NFL revenues, they say his teeth makes the same whissle when he talks as when you throw a vortex football, and some folks even think hes a puppet of the 32 billlonaire owners who need a face for America to blame while they pillage American cities for hundreds of millons of dollars that they dont need. But not me. I think he’s good.

Luke Keuchly may of cemented his case for league MVP last night with a timely pick-6 of Carson Palmer.But unfortunately Cam Newton habit of passing balls out after scrores has turned the front rows of BoFA Stadium into a Godsmack Moshpit. Its like pavlovs dog and bell scenario where everytime the Panthers score you get thousands of excited Carolinians pushing each other and slamdancing in order to try and get a ball. Its the equivlant of yelling fire in a crowded theater, its just a wonder it took this long to happen.

So obvously the tablets going out on the sidelines had a enormous repurcussion because thats where the Patriots had downloaded all of there spying equipment. But even more sinister was the fact that they left Tom Brady back there to take a beating for four quaters, getting hit 20 times, which is the most for any QB since 2006 according to Doug Farrar. What happen before our very eyes was Tom Brady turning into a sympathetic character just weeks before his deflategate hearing. Its like when Jodi Arias was about to go to trial for murdering her hubsand they told her, “hey why dont you maybe lose the pushup bra and put on a pair of librarian glasses because your so good looking that people will think your also a murderer.” Now when Brady goes in front of a judge, the court will have the impresson of a wounded warrior instead of a hotshot superbowl champion.

Its a classic defense strategy- also why Aaron Hernandez very smartly waited to get his 4th bloods tattoo until after sentencing. Bradys staring down a looming four-game supsension and Belichick knows that without #12 back there for four games next season the Pats might not even make the playoffs so he took a calculated risk. Plus he immproves his first pick in the draft position to number 60 instead of 61- so if your going by the draft point chart, losing the AFC championship is a small price to pay.

1. If Peyton Manning tried to dab with that big ass head it would look like the moon trying to settle into the Grand Canyon.

2. Silicon Valley was named because of how they were able to design better faster chips, so it wouldnt suprise me to see a startup develop an App for Kelly that would allow him to trade away all his good players with greater effecency. You could call it Tradr or something, and it would allow you to send Colin Kapernick to the Browns for a 6th round pick from the palm of your hand.

3.

No duh. A Colt is literaly just a Bronco thats not grown up yet. If your surprised by this statistic you need to go spend a weekend on a farm before you can begin to comment on who the GOAT is.

4. Yesterday was a battle of the transiton lenses in Charlotte as Ron Rivera and Bruce Arians faced off. This is why Im leaning Kubiak in the Superbowl because the man is committed to his idenity no matter the external forces. The weather is a distracton and Kubiak sends a strong message by not allowing god to dictate his gameplan. Wearing color changing lenses shows a lack of comitment to your coaching style, and these small inconsisntencies translate into players not buying in. Your glasses area a part of your uniform and if you change colors at the slightest inconvence your not better than Benedict Arnold.

5. Cam Newtons cleats had all his teamates names on them in what one can only assume is some sort of hit list:

6.

I still agree- hes got fewer playoff losses then Cam, plus Christian Ponders name literaly translates to “Pray.”

7. Congrats to the Titans who I guess have pretty much just given up on themselves now for hiring Mike Mularky as there permanent interim coach for the next 15 months. The Jaguars and the Titans wifeswapping there coaches is like the Dasseys and the Averys hitting swingers clubs together. The Titans did the equivlant of being real horny, not having internet and the only thing nearby is a Harry Potter book with the “about the author” picture on the jacket. Gotta make due with what you got.

8. Hearing alot of chatter out there about the water crisis up in Flint Michigan and how the federal government is considering intervening and I wanted to way in with a take here. One week your sending relief to Missouri for having too much water, and now your helping Michigan out because they dont have enough. Seems like a double standard. Coach use to always tell us that water makes you weak, so in theory, Flint will be producing enough Elite football players over the next several years to turn around the cities entire economy if there patient enough. Players who grow up not having access to water wont miss it when its the 4th quater and you need them to make a play instead of calling a timeout to rehydrate.

I know another guy who complaned and warned about a water disaster and no one listened- his name was Noah and I seem to recall everything working out ok for him in the end. Looks to me like a manufactured crisiss- alot of protesting for protesting sake going on up there. If your tap waters brown, thats Gods way of telling you to go to the store, get two of every beer and drink those instead.

9. Want to take the time to wish a very happy birthday to Danny Woodhead who is turning 31 years young today. Check out this badass picture of Danny from his highschool days.

First of all- I love the sweatshort look. Shows a ton of confidents for a freshman to rock those leaving you basicaly no recourse in the event of a suprise boner. Second, love that Danny wore number 42. I like to imagine that in a alternate realty Jackie Robinson wore 42 in a homage to Danny Woodhead for honoring him for being the Rosa Parks of White RBs who honor Jackie Robinson for breaking the color barrier. Tough to say which is more inspring but fortunately we dont have to choose.

10. RIP to Glen Frey. I beleve this is the 5th time in the past 12 years that The Eagles have taken a L during championship week.

11. Congrats to Hardy Nickerson who was hired last week by the 49ers as LB coach, becomeing the very first MALE assistant coach to be hired after a female one was.

This is a guy whose necklaces typicaly look like they were taken out of a Hollywood heist film, so its no wonder he was so confident playing in ice. But even George Clooney will tell you that you need 10 other guys to help you accomplish your goals and every time Cam makes a spectacular pass to a bad wide recever, he’s actually taking future earnings out of there pockets.

People like to make fun of the Panthers recevers but the realty is that maybe they could of afforded to sign one of the top 17 players with the last name Brown instead of settling for Corey, if Newton had taken a paycut like Tom Brady does every single year. Its allmost like Newton made exorbatent demands so that he could get stuck on a team where he would have to do it all himself, then after he wins a MVP for playing with a bag of flaming hair and a rusted sand-wedge at split end, he will demand a even bigger contract untill its quite literally just Cam Newton and kids he plucks out of the stands mowing through the NFC south and making more money then he knows how to launder.

Brady very generously offers to take more of his money in upfront bonuses just a bout every offseason as opposed to making it a big drawn out process where he basicaly collects rent money for his services every game like Cam.

Also- you dont here about Newton spending a ton of money on dumb stuff like some of these other guys which make’s you wonder exactly what hes saving up for. Alot of these players like to buy weapons so maybe hes trying to get his hands on a military helcopter or suitcase nuke. Somthing to keep a eye on.

This weeks rating is: Not as much as Tom Brady

(h/t to reader Michael Green)

Why did the Cardnals lose? Well if you said “political correctness” then your 100% correct

(h/t @cognac_mccarthy)

Here is a collecton of some of your parents NFL takes during Championship weekend. As usual Dads and moms have old man/woman strength on there takes:

“Ha, joe Buck says keep pounding it”

-Samanthas Dad

“My mom called and asked me if my team was playing last night. I’m a Lions fan.”

-Tim

“I want Bronco because Patriots need to get humble. I like them too but I feel bad for the Bronco. They need a turn too.”

-Johns Mom

“Peyton seems like a genuinely nice guy, not like Brady”

-Brandons Mom

“Ted Ginn always looks like he has no clue what he’s doing, yet he always seems to find himself in the end zone too. Ted Ginn is Forrest Gump.”

-Brians Dad