Jonez on Jonez: It’s Week 14 and the 2016 NFL season is only getting weirder

Dragonfly Jonez is a full time tweeter, a part time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

To say 2016 has been unpredictable would be a severe understatement. Donald Trump is our president elect, the Cubs won the World Series, Cleveland is home to a championship team, and we found out that Tyrannosauruses probably clucked like chickens.

None of us have any idea what the hell is going on this year.

In an NFL season where we have no idea what the hell is going on, it was good to see some normalcy restored in the NFC East in Week 14. The Redacteds vs. the Eagles and the Cowboys vs. the Giants were both trademark NFC East games: sloppy play from both teams with the game being decided down the wire in heartbreaking fashion.

In both these games, all four NFC East teams were a combined 14-of-54 on third down. There were 23 total punts. Every quarterback threw at least one interception for a total of five. There were nine fumbles, four of which were recovered by the opposing team. Both NFC East matchups had a field goal that went DOINK off the upright. And both games were locked up by the defense recovering a late-game fumble. This is the NFC East that we all know and love/loathe.

Cowboys 7, Giants 10

As a Redacteds fan, the Giants winning hurts my team’s playoff chances, but I have to admit that I’m rather enjoying how nothing is going the Cowboys’ way when it comes to the officials reviewing Dez’s receptions.

Dallas fans have had their jean shorts in a bunch ever since that questionable call that overturned Dez’s touchdown in the 2014 Divisional playoff game against Green Bay. “Dez caught it!” they will fervently exclaim to anyone who will listen while angrily stomping in their Team Jordans.

To see the refs rule that Dez did indeed catch the pass that resulted in the game-clinching fumble against the Giants was delicious.

The football gods can be a vindictive bunch. And they seem to have a vendetta against the Cowboys. But just you wait. We haven’t seen the Cowboys crash and burn just yet. That is going to happen in the playoffs. And it will be in epic Cowboys fashion. I’m not sure how exactly, but I just know. We all know.

And I still can’t believe Ben McAdoo is a real person.

He doesn’t look like anything to me. (That’s another Westworld joke, guys.)

I also still can’t believe that Eli still can’t believe when he throws a pick.

Eli is a fascinating case. I’m not sure if he even really knows what he’s even doing but he’s made it this far so it obviously works for him.

Cardinals 23, Dolphins 26

Speaking of body language, this image we saw in the Cardinals-Dolphins game spoke volumes.

Matt Moore putting together the drive that pretty much ends your season is a jagged little pill to swallow for anyone I suppose. It’s like rain on your Week 14 gameday. It’s the timeout before the two-minute warning that you just didn’t take. OK I’ll stop now.

Miami kept their playoff hopes alive but Ryan Tannehill is done for the season with a torn ACL. However our sweet prince did not go quietly into that good night. He gave us this gem to remember him by as he embarks down his path to recovery.

However, keeping in line with the story of Tannehill’s career, he was once again overshadowed by another quarterback from the 2012 draft class.

Bengals 23, Browns 10

That Tannehill pass was fucking terrible but it wasn’t even the worst play of the day. That honor goes to RG3 who threw an interception into triple coverage on a flea flicker from Cleveland’s own end zone.

Ticket prices for that Bengals-Browns game had plummeted to as low as $3. No rational person would pay money to watch a Bengals and Browns game in 30 degree weather, but we aren’t talking about rational people here. We’re talking about Browns and Bengals fans.

Seahawks 10, Packers 38

Playing football in freezing weather is crazy. Watching people play football in freezing weather is lunacy. One of the reasons I respect Aaron Rodgers is because he doesn’t buy into that “real football players don’t get cold” machismo bullshit.

Rodgers is one of the greatest quarterbacks we’ve ever seen and as soon as the weather drops below 60 he dresses like he’s unveiling his newest sculpture at the MoMA. The guy gets it.

Bears 17, Lions 20

Rodgers has the Pack surging, but they’re still chasing the Lions because, as previously mentioned, nothing makes sense in this world anymore.

The Lions have trailed in the fourth quarter in 12 of their 13 games this season. That’s about the most Rorschach test stat that you’ll ever come across. You’ll see what you want to see there. You either see a fraud who consistently lucks out or a team that bounces back from adversity and plays best when their back is to the wall and numerous other clichés. Either way, we’re in the home stretch of the NFL season and we’ll find out pretty damn soon.

The Lions have their work cut out for them. Their final three are at the Giants, at Dallas, and at home vs. the Pack.

Also, Stafford tore ligaments in his middle fingertip on his throwing hand. There’s no movement in it and it’s resting at a 90 degree angle. Stafford will not miss any time however. He’s just going to wear a special glove and keep it trucking because football players are fucking crazy. Things could shape up to where the Lions play the Packers for the division in Week 17.

Lucky for Stafford and his real man, tough guy glove, he’ll be going up against a weenie in a turtleneck that game.

We’ll see how it shapes out. Until next week, internet friends.