Jonez on Jonez: 5 NFL traditions unlike no others

Dragonfly Jonez is a full time tweeter, a part time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

Football doesn’t give a shit about anybody. Nothing is guaranteed in this sport. One day you’re on pace to become the first NFL player ever to have 100 yards from scrimmage in all 16 regular season games. The next day it all literally comes crashing down on you in a meaningless game versus one of the NFL’s worst teams.

David Johnson was absolutely insane this season. He finished as the all-purpose yards leader, and for a while it looked like he was on pace to be the third member of the 1000/1000 club. Then his body was contorted in a way that human bodies aren’t meant to in a sport full of humans who aren’t supposed to be so large, fast, and strong.

Thankfully, this grotesque injury is nowhere near as serious as it appears. It has been diagnosed as a MCL sprain that won’t even require surgery. NFL players are alien cyborg bears.

While we were uncertain of the trajectory of David Johnson’s career on Sunday, we got some definitive answers regarding the careers of a few coaches. Black Monday came early for a handful of coaches this season.

Teams putting up a terrible picture of the poor schmuck they just fired is by far one of my favorite Twitter traditions. I couldn’t imagine my job tweeting about firing me and then posting a pic of me wearing a visor looking like I’m waiting on line at Arby’s and having an existential crisis.

Mike McCoy wasn’t the only one to get the axe on Sunday. It looks like the Chip Kelly experiment is over too.

Chip’s career record of 28-34 is only mildly underwhelming but it doesn’t tell the full story of his NFL tenure. He was a coach whose gimmick offense got figured out, didn’t value star players, and dismantled a talented roster before bottoming out at 2-14 in a scenario that dismissed the notion of him being a quarterback whisperer who could maximize any roster.

Granted, Jed York has no idea what the hell he is doing but Chip’s time was up. It was real, Chip. Enjoy the Pac 12. Can’t wait to not watch you in the TaxSlayer Bowl.

Speaking of shitty college bowl games, we’re opening the postseason with Brock Osweiler versus Connor Cook.

The Raiders have every Big Ten quarterback who I didn’t even know was in the league on their roster. If Connor Cook goes down, we might see Craig Krenzel under center. Conveniently, this is the 4:00 p.m. Saturday game. That’s the Wildcard game that the NFL schedules so you can do shit like clean your gutters or organize your tax forms from the last six years you’ve been keeping in that nightstand drawer you throw everything in.

We won’t be seeing the Falcons on Wildcard weekend as they have secured a bye and probably a MVP for Matt Ryan.

Matt Ryan is the MVP. It’s ingrained in us to disregard everything the Falcons do because we all know they’re going to crash and burn in the playoffs but 4,944 yards, 38 touchdowns, seven picks, a 70 percent completion rate and a 117.1 passer rating can’t be overlooked.

Listen, I don’t want to live in a world where an Atlanta Falcon is the recipient of the most prestigious award in the sport either but this is a reality that we are just going to have to come to terms with. This is shaping up to be a historic season for the Falcons. They likely have their first MVP in franchise history and they will blow their last playoff game ever in the Georgia Dome this postseason. The Falcons’ new stadium that looks like an origami asshole is scheduled to be ready for their home opener next season.

While Matt Ryan is likely to join the prestigious brotherhood of NFL MVPs, Kirk Cousins has been inducted into a far less distinguished fraternity. He is now officially a NFC East quarterback.

Welcome to the club, Kirk. Now it’s your turn to break the bank and become the highest paid quarterback in the league. It’s the Dan Snyder way.

There’s lots of discussion on if Washington should pay Kirk or not. I have a rule of thumb to never trust Creed fans and Kirk looks like a Creed super fan. He’s also about to be entrusted with a large sum of money, so this goes against all of my sensibilities. However, quarterbacking is hard. There’s only about five people on the planet who are really good at it. If you have a quarterback who isn’t terrible, your best bet is to not let him get away and hope he has a couple Eli or Flacco postseasons buried down somewhere in him underneath the interceptions and third down check downs.

So congrats, Kirk. You’ve proven that you might be bad but you aren’t terrible. Enjoy your gazillion dollars. You earned it I guess. Nothing is guaranteed in this sport. Except boatloads of money for quarterbacks who aren’t terrible.

Until next week, internet friends.