Jonez on Jonez: Super Bowl LI features 2 quarterbacks with 7 first names

Dragonfly Jonez is a full time tweeter, a part time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

And then there were two. After a lackluster postseason where we had a grand total of ONE great playoff game, the Super Bowl LI matchup.

While a lot of us pretty much considered the Patriots winning the AFC to be a formality, the Falcons finally didn’t shit the bed in the postseason like they are so renowned for doing throughout the years. Although Aaron Rodgers versus Tom Brady was the matchup that many wanted to see, the Falcons delivered a thorough ass whipping to the ailing Packers in a routing that reminded us why that game probably would not have lived up to the hype.

The banged up Packers had been hobbling through the playoffs with their check engine light on and the Falcons finally made them blow a gasket. In the bigger scheme of things, this was probably for the best. Those of us who wanted Rodgers in the Super Bowl had placed an exorbitant amount of faith in Geronimo Allison, and I don’t think anything good was due to come from that.

This Packers drubbing was begrudgingly a wake-up call that many of us NFL fans needed in the long run, but didn’t necessarily want.

A Super Bowl with some dudes with a bunch of first names

So now we’re on to Houston. We’ve got the probable MVP and perhaps the greatest quarterback ever facing off. The best offensive coordinator of the season matching wits with arguably the greatest head coach of all time. The No. 1 offense vs the No. 3 offense. All that stuff is fine and dandy, but the undercard is where the good stuff is at. This is a duel between some dudes with a bunch of first names.

It gets better. The Falcons’ best wide receiver is named Quintorris Lopez Jones. He’s not even really sure why his mother started calling him Julio. But she did. And she never stopped. Julio’s mother is named Queen Marvin. She was Queen Jones before she got remarried, but Queen Marvin is so much better because it reminds me of how Queens of Stone Age is an all-male band.

Julio has claimed that Quintorris means “gladiator.” I did my googles to try to substantiate this but couldn’t find anything. However, I believe him. I would never doubt our Queen Marvin.

Then we’ve got LeGarrette Blount and based on how we all saw him move a pile of about seven grown men for 5 yards in the AFC Championship, I’m pretty sure LeGarrette is North Florida for “country strong.” Blount has mildly surprised some people by still being productive at 30. I’m not one of them. He’s from the country and his name is LeGarrette. That’s the name of a man who works out in his backyard with 1972 big block Chevy engines. We’ve only seen the tip of his old man, country strength.

Also, the Falcons’ kicker is named Matt Bryant. Matt Bryant and Matt Ryan. Wow! Crazy right?

This doesn’t have anything to do with this Super Bowl necessarily, but the Patriots lost two Super Bowls to a dude named Elisha. Two of them. To Elisha.

Elisha.

Pro Bowl time!

The biggest, most important game of the NFL season is two weeks away. In the meantime, we’ve got the least cared about NFL game of the year this Sunday: the Pro Bowl.

Nobody gives a shit about the Pro Bowl. Meaningless football is almost always a bore. Truthfully, all all-star games suck, except for the NBA’s because basketball is the only sport that really allows for showboating. Quarterbacks and shortstops can’t make around the back passes.

With that said, the Pro Bowl needs a rebrand. Do away with the football aspect of it. Have Pro Bowlers do a bunch of non-football shit. Mason Crosby crane kicking the shit out of Sebastian Janikowski would be infinitely more interesting than that boring ass game. Just steer clear of beach football. For the sake of God and Robert Edwards, please do.

Rooting for the Falcons??

Immediately after the Falcons made it evidently clear that they were going to the Super Bowl, I was faced with a moral dilemma.

This dilemma would have easily been decided if the Steelers made the Super Bowl because no way I’d ever root for Ben. With New England things get a little trickier.

I don’t hate the Pats. Being a lifelong Washington Redacts fan has made it so that I only have room to hate the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys in my shriveled, coal lump of a heart. However, I love the city of Atlanta so I’m definitely rooting for the Falcons here. I am also fully prepared to be disappointed because disappointment is what Atlanta sports do.

New England winning wouldn’t be entirely disappointing. Seeing Goodell hand the Lombardi off to Brady after their petty legal battle over under-inflated footballs that almost went as far as the Supreme Court would be gratifying in its awkwardness. Nothing more perfectly illustrates how sinister Goodell is than the fact that by contrast he made a four time Super Bowl champion with a Brazilian supermodel wife into the sentimental man of the people in their quarrel.

But that’s our Thomas Patrick Edward Brady Jr.

Working class hero. Man of the people. Gladiator.

Until next time, internet friends.