Nate Robinson is exactly what an NBA team needs, says Nate Robinson

Former NBA guard and three-time dunk contest winner Nate Robinson has been publicly pleading for another chance to play in the league. Here’s what his infomercial would sound like.

Hi. I’m Nate Robinson.

Sorry, I didn’t notice you come in. I was so distracted. Oh me? I was just getting some shots up in the gym, as I do every morning. 997 ... 998 ... 999 ...1,000 shots made. Another excellent workout.

Ah, just doing what I love doing, playing basketball. Sorry if I’m taking long, my arms are still sore from benching 500 pounds 20 times this morning. Give me a second to dry myself off here. Sweat is weakness leaving the body, as they say.

You may remember me from jumping over Dwight Howard in a dunk contest that definitely wasn’t fixed. From your Instagram comments section. For being the Summer League MVP of 2007 and being the first player to have his jersey retired by that league. From scoring 23 points against the Brooklyn Nets in the 2013 NBA playoffs, helping to send the game to three overtime periods, and helping the Bulls eventually get the win that put us up 3-1 at that time. We didn’t blow that lead.

You may also remember me from that time that I tried to play cornerback in the NFL, and my failed tryout with the Seattle Seahawks, but this isn’t the time for that.

What I want to do today is help you. I want to help you get better.

Have you ever found yourself frustrated at your team’s lack of a playmaker? Angry that your team is top-heavy? That you and your teammates aren’t getting any help from the bench? Angry that at the cusp of 33 years old and just a year after winning a championship for Cleveland, you might not have enough firepower for the Golden State Warriors, who signed Kevin Durant in the offseason? Are you gritting your teeth at the possibility of Draymond Green celebrating in front of your face, holding a trophy that rightfully belongs to you, the King?

Are you saying “We need a f—ing playmaker,“ when you look around and realize that Kyrie Irving’s backup is Kay Felder. Are you saddened by the low quality of reserve players in the league in general? Did you say: “I’m not saying you can just go find one, like you can go outside and see trees. I didn’t say that.”

Or, are your worries less substantial? Did you just lose to the Hawks after being up 10 points up with three minutes remaining. The Hawks. A team that no longer has Kyle Korver and one that still trots out Kris Humphries. Did your team just let them score 19 points in the final three minutes? Are you now below .500?

Did you complain that no one around you seems to have the drive and passion to win? Are you angry that the lack of effort is so bad that you, at 35 years old and after winning three championships, seem to show more desire than the younger guys? Are you upset that your offense is just you and Jimmy Butler? Did you say this?

“I’m 35 years old. I have three championships. It shouldn’t hurt me more than it hurts these young guys. They have to want it. I can look at Jimmy and say Jimmy is doing his job. I think Jimmy can look at me and say Dwyane is doing his job. I don’t know if we can keep going down the line and be able to say that.”

If you’ve ever found yourself in these or similar situations, I have good news. I can fix it.

I can be that offensive weapon off the bench. If you call in the next five minutes, you can get that playmaker that you desperately need when Kyrie Irving needs a rest. I can be that scoring machine that keeps your team humming when you and Jimmy Butler are off the court. I can even play with you two at the same time. Who even knows what’s going on with Rajon Rondo these days?

Do you want an offensive weapon that’s deadly from anywhere on the court? I am your man.

Maybe you’re in the mood for a playmaker who takes as much enjoyment in a game-winning assist as he does in a buzzer-beater? If so, call me.

And oh yeah, I’m not afraid to hit that buzzer-beater, either.

Oh, those clips? They’re from me tearing up the Israeli Basketball Premier League with Hapoel Tel Aviv last year. Just doing what I love best: Playing basketball.

So please call me, I need a jo...

/record scratch

I want to help you achieve your basketball dreams. I’m not at all desperate. The comparisons to Gil Gunderson from The Simpsons are both offensive and off-the-mark. The ones to Stan from that Eminem song, even more so. Unemployment is still a problem in this country and I can’t keep sitting at home watching The Young Pope. I have no idea what this show is about. What is Jude Law even doing? What is the entire point of this? It’s weirder than whatever the hell Tom Hardy is doing on BBC One. You see what happens to people when they’re desperate for work? They go on and make weird shows where they’re a cigarette-smoking, obscenity-spewing, balding pope.

You can save me from that. And in return, I can help your team off the bench. It’s a win for all of us. Otherwise, I’m going keep spamming your Instagram pages and no one wants to see that. Have a heart.