Premier League crisis watch: Who’s plunging into a morass of desolation after Week 7?

Autumn is approaching. The nights are getting longer. And the Premier League’s ever-bubbling CRISIS is getting stronger with the darkness. As we break for the second international break in as many months, here’s the latest updates from the world’s most CRISIS-ridden league. It’s going to be an awkward break for plenty of people ...

Before Saturday’s game against Manchester United, we looked at Palace’s appalling start in the context of their goals scored (before: nil; after: zero), their points gained (before: none; after: nada), and their hope for the future (you get the idea). Now, with their seventh straight loss safely tucked away, we can start to look ahead, and think about whole-season awfulness. We can start to think about Derby County.

Derby’s 2007-08 season, which saw them relegated from the Premier League with 11 points, is the worst any team in the top four divisions has managed since the introduction of three points for a win. And it is a thing of spectacular beauty in almost every facet. They were relegated in March! Their top scorer was Kenny Miller, with four! They still somehow managed to beat Newcastle!

So it is with some apprehension, and not a little excitement, that the realisation sinks in: Palace might be worse. After all, Derby had four points and four goals after seven games. Palace, as we know, have none. And Derby never lost more than seven straight. Palace’s next game is against Chelsea.

Don’t get your hopes up too far. Their squad doesn’t actually look dreadful, or at least doesn’t look this dreadful. Chances are that Roy Hodgson will eventually do that thing he does, restore a little order and shape, and in the process ensure that this is just an ordinarily bad, unexcitingly rubbish season. For the moment, though, we are out on the edge of the known world, with unmapped territories of awfulness visible in the distance. We may not make that journey. Not this year. But we can see that it’s possible.

As everybody knows, there’s no bigger squiggle on the seismograph of CRISIS than the dreaded vote of confidence.

The cliche is that any struggling football manager, upon receiving a public statement of support from the person or persons with the power to sack them, should immediately start clearing their desk. It’s one of the irrevocable steps on the road to severance: First comes the surprise loss at home to somebody ordinary, then the vote of confidence, and finally the weird embattled press conference.

Everton managed the first this weekend, and Ronald Koeman got the second this morning. Somebody keep that man away from microphones.

Of course, Farhad Mohsiri’s “total support” sounds pretty firm. Such statements always do. He points to Everton’s tricky schedule — “we have played the four title contenders, three away” — and the demands of the Europa League, he states that it is early days, and he praises the fans while noting that they “deserve better”. He doesn’t devote any time to wondering if it’s really a good look for a notionally ambitious club like Everton to announce that they don’t expect to beat anybody decent, but he was probably in a rush.

So is Koeman doomed? Perhaps. But Everton’s history offers up the rare counter-example of a vote of confidence that actually worked. In 1983, with Everton 16th in the league and the fans in open revolt, then-chairman Sir Philip Carter went on the record to back his manager. And that manager, Howard Kendall, went on to win two titles, the FA Cup, and the Cup-Winners’ Cup. Maybe, just maybe, Everton are the exception to the dreaded rule.

Could do with a bit more pace in attack, though. Nobody’s worried about catching up with Wayne Rooney.

The Premier League! Where anything can happen! Where chaos reigns! Where anybody can beat anybody! Where the Big Six are back in the top six positions after just seven games!

Yes, it’s happened already. Despite an early stumble-flourish from Chelsea, despite Arsenal’s best worst efforts, things have already settled back into their predictable shape. The two halves of Manchester are stretching away at the top, and are dragging behind them the rest of the perennial European contenders. The remorseless logic of money equals power has reasserted itself again.

Is there hope? Well … possibly. Arsenal seem the favourites, forever trembling on the edge of implosion. But as thing stand, and as we go into the international break, we have the dispiriting sight of the six best managers, with the six best squads, in the six best positions. City, United, Spurs, Chelsea, Arsenal, Burnley: with allowances for some internal shuffling, that’s how this is going to end.