A definitive breakdown of the ‘Sunday, Monday, and Thursday Night Football’ songs ranked by how much Carrie Underwood wouldn’t talk to me

The Sunday Night Football song, the Monday Night Football song, and the Thursday Night Football song are objectively not good. They are hokey. Not only do the lyrics lack subtlety, but they hit you over the head with a giant, blinking neon sign that says FOOTBALL and has an arrow pointing toward the field. They are jingles. They must sell the product (FOOTBALL) that airs once they end.

These songs are the Konrad Lorenz of sports — he was that psychologist you probably learned about in Intro to Psych 101 and haven’t thought about since. He ran an experiment on what he called “stamping in,” where he wandered around a farm and got ducklings to become obsessed with his black boots as though the boots were their mother.

Well, it worked. The football songs are my mom now. It doesn’t matter that each is kind of awful; I ride and die for them. They are my favorite songs. They evoke a range of emotions, span genres, and blend sport and art to create something that transcends both. I walk around, even on Tuesday mornings, singing, “OOOOOOOOH, Sunday niiiiiiight. OOOOOOOH, SUNDAY NIIIIIIIGHT!” to everyone I meet.

But, like anything, not all football songs are created equal. I believe it is journalistically important that we give the best one credit for being the best one, and I have therefore embarked on a project to rank these three songs.

To do this, I learned as much about each song as I could. I take my investigations very seriously, because I am a very serious sportswriter, so I reached out to the artists who sing them. I wanted to know, specifically, what they felt like when they were singing, what vibe they were going for, whether they watch football, etc. So what follows is less of a blog and more of a research project. It’s less an article and more something you might find in a scholarly journal. It’s less a post and more of a senior thesis.

This blog is to me is what the “Requiem” was to Mozart.

The Thursday Night Football song was performed last year by the Pentatonix. The Pentatonix are an a cappella group. It’s deeply unsettling to have to hear them each week, because I thought I was done being forced to listen to a cappella once I graduated from college (no offense to the Colby Blue Lights). In fact, I’m somewhat surprised that the Pentatonix have managed to make it as far as they have, not because they aren’t talented, but because I find a cappella so insufferable.

Now let me tell you a little bit about their Thursday Night Football song: It sounded like the Sunday Night Football song got dressed up to go clubbing. Here it is:

“I don’t know what you’ve been told but football makes you lose control,” is arguably the most brilliant lyric in the world. If Bob Dylan could win the Nobel Prize for literature, I am hoping there’s a chance for the Pentatonix.

I can’t tell you much more about their Thursday Night Football song because the Pentatonix’s PR person never emailed me back. Maybe I give off a “fuck a cappella” vibe, and PR worried this wasn’t going to be a favorable review. But the thing is: It might not be, like, great, but I still love this song! Thanks psychology!

This year the song is sung by Tinashe Kachingwe, but I got confused when writing this blog, so did not reach out to her. I don’t feel as strongly about it as the Pentatonix’s version:

Hank Williams Jr., Florida Georgia Line, and Jason Derulo all appear on the Monday Night Football song that airs on ESPN. Hank Jr. was cut from Monday Night Football after he compared President Barack Obama to Hitler in 2011. But apparently, because this is 2017, ESPN let him back on:

“I think it’s a return to our past in that it’s such an iconic song associated with football,” said Stephanie Druley, ESPN’s senior vice president of events and studio production.

I reached out to all three performers of the Monday Night Football song (which includes the lyrics “football party”), but Hank Jr. was the only one who got back to me. Well, his PR guy did, who asked Hank Jr. my questions and relayed the answers to me. Here are two of them.

Have you heard the Thursday Night Football and Sunday Night Football songs, and which do you prefer?

Hank Jr.: “Actually, NO! I know that Fred, our old producer at ABC, went to NBC and when he left I said, ‘Guys, Fred is going to take what is working for ya’ll and do it over there,’ and that is exactly what he has done. He has created a musical opening for Sunday Night Football that people now expect to see before the game. I know that Carrie Underwood is doing it for NBC, and she is a real sweetheart. I wasn’t aware that Thursday night even had an opening.”

What’s your favorite football team?

Hank Jr.: “Pittsburgh Steelers. I have been friends with the Rooney family for a long time. Dan, rest his soul, was a good man, and Art has done a really good job keeping this rolling.”

The thing I’m really upset about re: The Monday Night Football song is that Jason Derulo doesn’t say his own name in this song. Jason Derulo is best at singing, “JaSoN DeRuuuuUuloOoOo,” and it just seems like a waste of talent not to have him do that here.

It is also worth noting that since speaking with Hank Jr.’s PR person a few days ago, I have received approximately four million releases about country music. Did you know that Dolly Parton went to a Halloween party? She sure did.

OK, folks, here it is: the best football song in the world. Hell, the best song in the world: The Sunday Night Football song, as sung by Carrie Underwood:

And here’s the version Carrie sang in 2016, which is more awkward, but hey, we all improve as we hone our craft:

The Sunday Night Football song is based on this song, “Something Bad,” by Miranda Lambert and Carrie:

I’ve loved “Something Bad” for a while, but it wasn’t until Oct. 30 that I realized it was the same song as the Sunday Night Football song. Our editor-in-chief, Elena Bergeron, pointed this out to me when I told her about this dumb-ass blog I was planning to write.

I have still not recovered. Mostly because I can’t believe I’ve been living under a rock for two years, but also because I think it’s so badass that The Best Football Song is based on a pre-existing song about two women robbing a casino and ending up in New Orleans.

Which brings me to the old Sunday Night Football song, which wasn’t based on “Something Bad,” but also ruled:

P!nk sang it in 2006, and then Faith Hill sang it after her. I love Faith Hill’s version as much as the new Sunday Night Football song, which didn’t feel possible. (Wanna feel old? Watch Faith Hill’s TV spot from 2012 and check out how young Aaron Rodgers looks.)

If I ever get married, I would like the current Sunday Night Football song played as I walk down the aisle. I want the old Sunday Night Football song to be first song my future husband and I dance to, as well as the song my father and I dance to after that. I want the new version played in the hospital when my children are born, if I ever have children, and I want it blasted out over the cemetery as my coffin is lowered into the ground, if I ever die.

Both versions are perfect. They play, and I am but a helpless duckling wandering around the barnyard, waiting for football.

Unfortunately, my senior thesis is done now. I can’t give you any insight into this song beyond my own emotional attachment to it, because I got nowhere when I reached out to Carrie Underwood’s PR people. Here are the last two of five emails I sent them, even though they’d already declined to let me speak to her. Can’t imagine why.

Correction: This stupid blog has been updated to reflect that P!nk sang the Sunday Night Football song before Faith Hill, and Tinashe currently sings the 2017 Thursday Night Football song.