NFL Dad, Week 15: Always expect the worst, and you’ll never be disappointed

The key to happiness in parenthood and sports fandom is the same: Get rid of any positive expectations. Prepare for disaster at all times, and always fear that the thing you love will turn on you and attempt to destroy your day in the blink of an eye.

Does the unending hyper-awareness dampen your joy when something genuinely good happens? Absolutely, but it’s insurance against the devastation of the unexpected. I was rooting for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX against the Patriots, and I expected them to lose the entire game — I even predicted a narrow Pats victory — until Jermaine Kearse made that juggling catch to set up first-and-goal. That’s when I let my guard down and believed in Seattle.

Yadda yadda yadda, I couldn’t sleep for like six weeks. And that’s my fault for believing good things could happen to me. Take it from an expert: You can’t be disappointed if you don’t have expectations.

— I’m late to the games today. I don’t turn the TV on until 1:50 p.m. ET because we’re late getting back from a friend’s house, where we ate bagels and helped our kids decorate gingerbread houses. I hate to say it was “brunch,” because I always want to remember brunch fondly. What I had was parenting and lox.

— After I put my son down for his nap, I click on the TV and get a trio of scores, right in a row: Bilal Powell niftily evades a tackler for a 2-yard touchdown that narrows the Saints’ lead to 10-7; someone named “Bibbs” takes a short pass from Kirk Cousins and turns it into a 36-yard touchdown against Arizona; and Sterling Shepard takes the Eagles to the woodshed on a 67-yard score that puts the Giants up, 20-7.

— We got back late from not-brunch because my daughter threw a fit as we were trying to leave. So my wife left with our son, and I stayed back with the possessed one until the demons were exorcised. Mostly, this meant sitting in the living room and waiting for her to finish screaming through her timeout.

Two- and 3-year-old kids have moods like the weather: Sometimes a thunderstorm hits, and there’s not much you can do but hole up and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the sun breaks through like nothing happened. As a parent, you feel your child owes you an explanation or apology for the 30 minutes you just lost, but you’ll get none. The weather has changed. You may as well shout at the sky, demand an explanation from the passing clouds.

— I’ve got two fantasy teams in money leagues that are in the semifinals this week, so I’m guilty of keeping an eye on the ol’ Yahoo scoreboards. After I beat a team with Alvin Kamara last week, I’m facing him in another league this week, so of course he scores on a short TD pass. Right after that, LeSean McCoy — who I’m also facing — scores his second touchdown of the day to put Bills up 14-6.

I close the window with the fantasy scores.

— Stefon Diggs catches a touchdown pass from Case Keenum to put the Vikings up 24-0 over the Bengals, so I can safely ignore this game the rest of the day.

Somewhat related: Matt Hasselbeck made an interesting point to my podcast partner Nick Stevens last week: The top three seeds in the NFC are quarterbacked by Nick Foles*, Case Keenum, and Jared Goff, and people who follow the NFL are generally shocked that these three guys don’t suck the way that they used to.

What do they have in common? They all last sucked for Jeff Fisher. WORST. COACH. EVER. That guy ought to be sued for malpractice.

*Yes, the Eagles have made it this far thanks to Carson Wentz, not Foles, but Foles is in the middle of throwing four touchdowns to zero interceptions against the Giants.

— Eli Manning throws an ugly pick on third-and-10 that gives the Eagles life. A nifty return by Ronald Darby gives Philly great field position that leads to a Zach Ertz touchdown. The Giants’ lead is down to 20-14.

— Aaron Rodgers escapes pressure and flips the ball to Randall Cobb, who dances through the defense for a touchdown at the end of the half. The Packers take a 14-10 lead.

— Tyrod Taylor scores on a quarterback keeper, and I love this play design: Trips right, with tight end Nick O’Leary split out to the left. Travaris Cadet motions out to the right to draw the defense to the wide side of the field, and Taylor runs to the left with O’Leary blocking near the goal line.

Still, this play doesn’t work without a quarterback as shifty as Taylor; a less mobile player would have been taken down at the line of scrimmage. This seems to suggest that Sean McDermott, despite his “Nathan Peterman should make his pro debut against the NFL’s most fearsome pass-rushing tandem” position, may actually understand the abilities of his signal caller.

— On third-and-22, Duke Johnson coughs up the ball well short of the first down marker, and the Ravens recover. They score three plays later, when Joe Flacco finds Ben Watson in acres of space for a 35-yard touchdown. The Ravens lead 17-7 just before halftime, and I can’t help but marvel how insanely bad this Browns team is, week after week after week, at the most basic aspects of pro football. It’s remarkable.

— Trey Burton scores a touchdown for Eagles, and he follows with my favorite celebration of the week:

It’s not that spinning the ball and warming your hands by the fire is so wildly creative, it’s that Burton spun it long enough for two teammates to join him. Look, I’m impressed by anything that isn’t a children’s game repurposed in the end zone.

— As I close my eyes for a little catnap, the Packers leave Greg Olsen wide open on a blitz, and Cam Newton hits him for an easy touchdown.

I’m not really all that tired, but with the kids napping, my wife lies down on the couch to close her eyes, so I mute the TV and pull the shades. But then the apartment is so dark and quiet that it would be wasteful to be awake.

— When I open my eyes, the first play I see is another Panthers touchdown. But Damiere Byrd falls out of bounds, so the refs rule it incomplete. Ron Rivera foolishly challenges the call, and ... gets it reversed?

Apparently, the refs contend that one butt cheek landed inbounds a split second before the rest of his back hit the end line, which ... man, I’m too tired to get mad about catches anymore. It is EXHAUSTING to follow the twists and turns of the catch rule every week. Anyway, the Panthers are up 24-14, and Aaron Rodgers needs to do that thing where he miraculously rips the guts out of his opponents if the Packers want to have any chance of making the playoffs.

— DeShone Kizer gets sacked in his own end zone and fumbles, and the Ravens recover for a touchdown and a 24-10 lead. Am I facing the Ravens D in fantasy? YOU KNOW IT.

— On third-and-10, one play after taking a vicious hit from Panthers defenders, Aaron Rodgers scrambles away from pressure, sees Jordy Nelson downfield, and throws a laser ... to James Bradberry. It’s his third interception of the day, and his first three-interception game since 2009. I’ve seen Rodgers hit Nelson for a long completion in that scenario so many times over the years that it’s clear No. 12 isn’t 100 percent yet.

— Someone named Tavarres King scores a long touchdown for the Giants, but the offense fails on the two-point attempt. The Giants trail 31-29. It’s a beautiful-looking cover (+7) right now, though. I wish I’d taken the home team +7.

— Newton hits Byrd for another TD, this one legitimate, to put the Panthers up by two touchdowns with 12 minutes to play in the game. That’s enough time for some Aaron Rodgers magic, but he hasn’t exactly been magical today. Better than Brett Hundley, sure, but not the fearsome demigod the Packers usually rely on.

— With the Vikings up 34-0, HERE COMES TEDDY BRIDGEWATER!!! It’s his first action in almost two years, and the Minnesota crowd is deafening in its welcome for him. On the sideline, Case Keenum joins in, clapping enthusiastically.

Bridgewater’s first pass is an interception. But it was an EMOTIONALLY RESONANT interception! It leads to a Gio Bernard TD that ruins the perfect day that my fantasy def— er, the Vikings defense was having.

— With the Browns driving to get back into the game, Kizer throws his weekly red zone interception. He now has turnovers in both end zones, which HAS to be redeemable for, like, a free burger and fries somewhere. The Ravens are gonna wrap this one up comfortably.

— Rodgers gets sacked on fourth-and-14 with about five minutes to play, and that’ll do it for the Packers’ playoff hopes. Womp-womp.

— My son wakes up from his nap, comes into the living room, and says “Fot-paw!” when he sees the TV. RedZone is really pushing the Washington-Arizona game right now, but I refuse to take notes on it. Sorry, I’m allergic to mediocrity.

— I go into the kids’ room to get my daughter up from her nap, and my son comes along. A few minutes later, I exit the room singing “Jingle Bells” while the kids shake sleigh bells and maracas. After the song, I ask my son what color his shaker is.

“Bee.”

“What color?”

“Bee,” he says again.

“Green?”

“Yeah!”

So, we have some work to do on pronunciation.

— Now wait just a damn minute. When I last saw Green Bay-Carolina, the Panthers had taken over in Green Bay territory and were up by two touchdowns with five minutes left. Now it’s 31-24 Panthers, AND the Packers have the ball with two minutes remaining. I MISSED RODGERS MAGIC.

— Trailing 34-29, Eli Manning expertly leads a two-minute drill into the red zone, but it stalls just short of paydirt. On fourth-and-goal with just a few seconds left, Manning — stop me if you’ve heard this one — overthrows a covered receiver, and the game ends.

— The Packers’ Geronimo Allison fumbles as he picks up a first down, and the Panthers recover, thus denying us precious Rodgers Magic, and ending the Run The Table narrative before it had a chance to begin. Stupid broken clavicles.

— Results from the early games: The Eagles clinch a bye with their win, the Vikings clinch an NFC North title, and the Jags clinch a playoff berth by dominating the Texans.

— Before the late games kick off, I will not be taking any notes about Rams-Seahawks and have no plans to write about it whatsoever. I’ve gone over some of the previous NFL Dad, and I don’t like the way the late games often read like a Livejournal for my fanboy neuroses. So, no Seahawks today. I feel better already.

(UPDATE: For those of you who know how Rams-Seahawks went, this may look like a convenient development for a Seattle fan. I swear that I went into the afternoon with an iron determination not to write about the game, regardless of result.)

— The other late-afternoon options are Titans-49ers and Patriots-Steelers, which is criminally being held out of a primetime slot so NBC can air Cowboys-Raiders. PUKE.

— It’s starting to rain in Pittsburgh, which should do wonders for the historically tidy grass at Heinz Field. Up in a luxury box, Ryan Shazier fires up the crowd by waving a yellow dish towel, and it’s good to see him well enough to make an appearance.

The next play is a bomb to Brandin Cooks from midfield down inside the Steelers’ 10-yard line. The Pats punch it in with Rex Burkhead to take a 7-0 lead.

— I am not even looking at Seahawks Twitter, and it is helping greatly with my mental well-being.

— Facing third-and-5, Big Roethlisberger throws a jump pass to Antonio Brown, who snags it and makes a nice run after the catch to move the Steelers into field goal range.

A few plays later, Ben Roethlisberger hits Eli Rogers for a TD to even the game.

— My daughter asks, “Mommy, do we have a menorah?” On the way to the subway this morning, she had pointed out a large menorah in a public square, so I explained to her what a menorah was.

My wife replies, “We do not, because menorahs are for Jewish people, and we’re Catholic. So we have a Christmas tree instead.” My wife’s answer is perfectly straightforward, but at the same time, there are probably some conceptual hurdles for a 3-year-old who’s familiar with the Nativity and going to church (sorry: Mass) but not so much terms like “Catholic” and “Jewish.” But to my relief, my daughter asks no further questions.

— The Titans intercept Jimmy Garoppolo, and refs rule it a catch — for the Niners. I dunno about that one; it looked awfully Golden Tate-y.

The catch rule stays undefeated.

— After the kids finish their dinner, I have to tell my son AGAIN not to touch the Christmas tree. He has pulled it down while playing with it twice over the last eight days. The first time, he suffered only a glancing blow, and the second time I was sitting nearby and screamed “OH NOOO!” before catching the top of the tree just before it fell on him.

Fun note about your Christmas tree falling over multiple times: It sucks to redecorate! We put a ton of care and effort into getting every ornament in exactly the right place when we first put the tree up, and that kind of scrutiny is only enjoyable once. Now there are a dozen ornaments on the windowsill that we just don’t have the will to put back on the tree. Hard to believe we’re not enthusiastic about putting all the glass orbs back onto our holiday safety hazard.

— My daughter eats some candy off her gingerbread house, so my wife moves it out of reach. Ear-splitting screeches of “MOM-MEEEEEEE!!!” fill the house and drown out the Sesame Street playlist we were listening to. Three-year-olds are delightful.

— Let’s take a look around the league at halftime of the late games! Pittsburgh leads New England 17-10 after a Martavis Bryant TD caps a 15-play drive. Here’s the newsworthy part of that:

Elsewhere, a Delainie Walker TD late in the half gives the Titans a six-point advantage in Santa Clara at halftime. And in Seattle ... (squints) ... Ah, it would appear that Todd Gurley has 144 yards and three touchdowns as the Rams lead 34-0.

I go over to the iPad, which is playing “I Love Trash” by Oscar the Grouch, and press pause. The song keeps going. Yes, this is a metaphor.

— Good news and bad news about Antonio Brown’s injury: X-rays were negative, which means nothing is broken, but he’s headed to the hospital, which is not where you go when everything’s A-OK.

— I click over to CBS for the second half of Pats-Steelers because (A) I don’t care about Titans-Niners, and (B) it will prevent me from seeing any more Rams-Seahawks than absolutely necessary. Also, Tony Romo! Love that guy.

— The kids have tied scarves around their necks to wear as capes. They play “Ring Around the Rosie,” and after they fall down, my daughter starts crawling around and meowing, so my son does the same. “We’re being cats,” my daughter clarifies.

— Pats keep a drive going with a completion to Gronk on fourth-and-1. Third-and-goal, Brady steps up in pocket and finds Cooks for the TD, but the PAT hooks left. It’s 17-16 Steelers.

— One of the best/worst things about watching a game on CBS is seeing ads for all the CBS shows that look like parodies of CBS shows. Even the movie trailers seem targeted to the dumbest, oldest audience: Father Figures looks like a CBS sitcom and a FOX sitcom had sex and gave birth to a movie.

Warning: Only click play on that button above if you want to see Terry Bradshaw talk about sex. HARD PASS.

— I give my son his bath, then hand him off to my wife so I can try to convince my daughter to get in the bath. Every goddamn day, man. It takes forever to get her in the bath, then she has the time of her life and won’t get out of the bath. Hardest aspects of bathing my kids, ranked:

Anyway, while I’m try to reason with the weather, I get to watch a nice interception by the Pittsburgh defense.

That sets up a Steelers touchdown that puts them up by eight, which I don’t see because I’m giving my daughter her bath.

— While I’m watching the game, my son approached the couch and says, “Moo!” to our dog. He wants her to move. This is a frequent source of confusion for my wife and me, because he relies on a cow lovey for soothing (“Moo!”) and will point out the moon in any book we read (“Moo!”). So a lot of times we’ll hear “Moo!” and come rushing into the room with a lovey, only to see the dog laying at his feet, barricading his progress.

— While the kids brush their teeth, Brady gets sacked on third-and-10, and the Pats kick a field goal to go down 24-19 with about four minutes left. Grim scenario for New England.

— While my wife reads to our daughter, I take my son into the other room for Llama Llama Gram and Grandpa. It’s no Llama Llama Red Pajama, but that’s no surprise. If you think movie sequels are bad, just wait until you enter the world of children’s book franchises. Once you think the well is dry, the author comes back with an eight-page book for each holiday.

— It’s bedtime for the kids, and my daughter requests “The Little Mermaid Song” (sic). My wife sings “Part of Your World,” and they go down without a fight. When I come back to the TV, the Pats have first-and-goal with a minute left, and the next play is an 8-yard touchdown run by Dion Lewis. Gronk gets the two-point conversion for maximum drama. Pats lead, 27-24.

— The Steelers have 52 seconds and one timeout to answer. The first play is this:

The play goes for 69 yards, and Jim Nantz carefully calls it a “nearly 70-yard play,” because Jim Nantz can’t even accidentally make an oblique reference to oral sex. He’s like one of the robots in Westworld, unable to see evidence of his own machinery. Except, y’know, for sex.

— Before we get to the ending of Patriots-Steelers, let’s take a look at the other late games:

— The Steelers’ next play is a touchdown to Jesse James. 30-27, with a PAT pending. The Pats will have 28 seconds to answer.

No! It’s called incomplete! Once again: Everything you know is wrong, and the catch rule stays undefeated.

— Oh no. Oh no no no. Speaking as someone without a horse in the race: Lord, no.

Coupla questions here:

Speaking of the Seahawks, I would one THOUSAND percent take that ass-kicking from the Rams over the anger and heartbreak of a close loss like this. “But the Steelers should have won!” you say. Yes, they should have. That’s what makes it worse. That’s what causes the misery. I’ll sleep much better knowing that my team deserved to lose.

— When the game ends, I leave to go work out. When I return, my daughter is on the toilet, trying to poop. My wife is sitting on a footstool next to her. “We’ve been sitting here since just after you left,” she says.

I take over poop duty while my wife stretches her legs. I read a book to her. I sing to her. I encourage her to push. No poop.

“It’s time to shit or get off the pot” is a cliché we live a couple times a week. When we eventually pull our daughter off the toilet with no product, she freaks out. She screams and won’t lie in her bed. We leave the bedroom and she yells, “MOMMY COME GET ME!” repeatedly, for so loud and so long that she starts coughing.

Her brother, who sleeps in the same room with her, tries to roll over and ignore it, but eventually he starts crying, too. My wife and I are FURIOUS at our daughter. And do you know why?

Because we thought we could relax for the night. And really, that’s our fault.