The Browns are having a contest where fans can win one three “VIP Browns experiences.” Sounds absolutely thrilling for the NFL’s only 0-14 team!
10 ideas for what a ‘Browns VIP experience’ might look like
Spoiler alert: Mostly not great!
Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images
Here’s the description for the lucky VIPs:
Enter for a chance to win one of three VIP Cleveland Browns experiences. Prizes include; one gameday experience to the Browns vs. Ravens game on 12/17, one golf outing with three people and a Browns alum, one tour and dining experience at the Browns Training Facility in Berea, OH with one friend.
“Browns VIP experience” doesn’t sound all that great. I mean, how much fun could you possibly have in one. The Browns are looking like a lock to secure an 0-16 season, and have been the NFL’s biggest laughingstock for quite some time now.
So we decided to come up with what a real Browns VIP experience would look like.
Josh McCown, RGIII, Brandon Weeden, and Brock Osweiler all propose to you at the same time on the Jumbotron while the Sunday Night Football theme song plays. — Charlotte Wilder
They let you stand on the sidelines to fully experience the boos that rain down from the tens of fans in attendance. You are offered the chance to pick the next Browns quarterback, and you get a coupon for a hot dog and soda. — Caroline Darney
You get dropped off at the Great Lakes Brewery. Six hours later, they pick you up. You have missed Cleveland’s latest 43-15 loss, like a true VIP. — Christian D’Andrea
I went on a Browns VIP experience and woke up three days later behind an Akron Denny’s with divorce paperwork in my hands. I’ve never been married before. — Jim Lohmar
The team gives you two free tickets to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and a coupon for free coffee and breakfast at a local diner. Most of the Hall of Fame is under construction when you go and the coffee is cold and bitter. You get food poisoning from the breakfast. On the way back to your hotel (the cost of which is not included in the experience), you are mugged. It is still a more enjoyable experience than sitting through a single minute of that week’s Browns game. — Whitney McIntosh
The team allows you to make their next bad draft pick. — Harry Lyles Jr.
Tickets to a Cavs game. — Louis Bien
You get to play quarterback for the Browns, and somehow you’re not the worst quarterback they’ve had since 1999 despite never having played a down of professional football before. — Jeanna Thomas
They take you to a room somewhere in the highest reaches of the Browns’ stadium. When you enter, you are greeted with some of the most amazing food you’ve ever enjoyed (White Castle burgers, pasties from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, some Wagyu steak, a jibarito from Chicago’s Humboldt Park, and some Faygo pop). From there you are given a massage by any Browns quarterback you want, and they will be grateful for not being forced to play. Then, just before kickoff, a screen drops down from the ceiling, and you fire up Madden on the Xbox and get to play as the Browns, but with the All-Madden roster. And, for once, they win. As you leave the stadium, fans cheer for you because the game you played was shown on the Jumbotron the entire time, and it was the only time the Browns have ever looked like a real football team. For a keepsake, you’re allowed to take home any Browns quarterback you want, but with the warning that if you ask them to throw something in the garbage they are likely going to miss. — Sam Eggleston
You ever seen the movie The Game? It’s kinda like that. You’re kidnapped in the middle of the night by masked intruders where you’re blindfolded and driven to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Cleveland. You don’t see anything, just hear screams of anguish — they’re fans, and they’re sad. Suddenly the blindfold is pulled off, you’re alone and cold, strapped to a chair. Ice water is thrown on you, not as a punishment, but just so you feel something, anything. It’s a reminder you’re still alive. Sure, your life might be miserable, and you don’t know why you’re being held against your will inside a bombed-out cesspool, but at least you’re not dead. The blindfold is put back on. The familiar sting of a needle is in your arm. Now you’re in the back of a van. Suddenly you get dumped roadside on the interstate, drugged, cold, alone, and disoriented. You have no ride home. Nobody will pick you up because you look dangerous. You walk home alone, and likely contract pneumonia.
Thank you for enjoying the VIP Browns Experience. — James Dator
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