The 5 types of people who say they’ll run the Boston Marathon and then don’t

The Dumped Boyfriend

Robert Stephens was all set to take run the Boston Marathon this year after his girlfriend Joanne Lieberman convinced him to join her charity team. Her dad knows a guy whose marketing firm once did some work for the Patriots, so he’s super involved with Bill Belichick’s foundation. Robert played lacrosse in college — how hard could it be to get back in shape? So he was like, “Sure, I’ll run a marathon with you, Joanne,” because he wanted to make his girlfriend happy, but mostly because he thought it would increase his chances of meeting Tom Brady.

Well, it turns out that not only was Tom Brady not involved with this charity at all, but Belichick didn’t even show up to the events. Also, do you know how hard $10,000 is to raise? Anyway, Robert got to $8,000 and battled through training runs with a strained calf by early March, and then — get this — Joanne broke up with him at a Bruins game. So Robert was like, “Fuck this,” and plans to spend Marathon Monday getting really drunk on his buddy’s balcony in Southie.

The No Thanks

Ashley Lord has never had any desire to take part in a marathon, so she won’t be running Boston this year.

The Softie

Every year, Jeremy Jacobs goes to watch the Boston Marathon near the halfway point in Wellesley, MA. And every year he’s so moved and inspired by the people who help each other — the displays of humanity! — that he vows “next year I am totally going to do this.” But then a few months later Jeremy realizes that he a) doesn’t actually know how to sign up, b) he’s too lazy to Google it, and c) doesn’t run.

The Opportunist

Mary Thomas decided to run the marathon for charity. No, seriously! She definitely didn’t join that running club just because her hot coworker who totally flirts with her in the office casually mentioned he belonged to it. It was a complete coincidence that they both just happened to be at the early morning runs! It was also a complete coincidence that Mary stopped training for Boston the same day she realized her coworker had a girlfriend after she saw him making out with her before a 10 miler (relax, she donated the money she raised anyway, she’s not a monster).

The What Ah You, Nuts?

You think Bahbarah O’Connell has 26.2 miles in her? Ah you high? The only time Bahbarah runs is to the bathroom between innings of a Sox game.