‘Bachelorette’ Episode 9: Bryan doesn’t do so well with Rachel’s family, Peter drops a bombshell, Eric falls in love

Sports Bachelor Nation, HELLO! Tonight is a very special episode of this reality show because it is Fantasy Suite dates, also known as The Night of Potential Banging. Which is to say, for those of you who don’t know the ins and outs of this franchise as well as I do (*starts weeping of jealousy*): Rachel can have sex with the three remaining men on these dates if both parties so desire. Which both parties usually do, because all they’ve been able to do for two months is make out like high schoolers while cameras roll. Even though in two weeks she’ll end up engaged to one of these jabronis. It’s high time they did the deed, folks.

I love these dates mostly for the mornings after, when producers film contestants in their pajamas. On her Fantasy Suite date with Nick, Rachel wore a fleece onesie that had penguins on it while Nick made her breakfast. Oftentimes the producers make the contestants have breakfast in bed (at least I imagine this is forced, because I don’t know who actually wants to have breakfast in bed after you’ve spent the night having sex in it, but hey, to each her own) and the small talk between two people who’ve just banged and are being filmed by a lot of people is just delightful to watch.

So let’s do it!

OK, I’m a little annoyed, because instead of going right into a Night of Potential Banging, Rachel’s three remaining hombres must first meet her family. Her sister Constance is eight months pregnant, so while the family usually treks across the world to wherever the godforsaken beach is that the Bachelorette is about to be proposed to, Rachel’s will not be because Constance can’t travel.

But I bet Constance is just a handy excuse. Because we met Rachel’s family during Nick’s season, and they seem too smart and skeptical for this show. I bet they were just like, nah, we’re not flying across the world to meet these dudes, some of whom we’ll never see again. They can come to us.

So the three dudes do.

Peter and Rachel go shopping for a present to give Constance and her husband Alex for their soon-to-be newborn. There’s something very sweet about watching a couple enamored with each other and hopeful that maybe someday they’ll need to shop for baby things together. They settle on a T-shirt with a football on it for Rachel’s three-year-old nephew, and a matching onesie with a football on it for her unborn niece or nephew, and I’m melting. Damn you, baby clothes with sports on them. You get me every damn time!

Peter is the obvious front-runner in my opinion. He’s a little spooked right now because he didn’t say I love you on the last date, so Rachel made him squirm by giving him the last rose at the previous rose ceremony. Before they go into her parents’ house, Peter’s like, listen, Rachel, I’m falling in love with you. And she’s like, I’m falling in love with you, too, which she hasn’t said to Eric or Bryan, thereby cementing my belief that Peter wins. He’s also been a little aloof and guarded this whole time, the way she was with Nick, and I think she respects that. Also, as a woman who often wants what she can’t have, I am speculating that perhaps Rachel is drawn to Peter because he feels like a challenge.

Rachel’s family loves Peter. Her father, a federal judge, is not around. Rachel gives no explanation as to why he isn’t, which makes me think he was simply like, “I’m a professional, upstanding, FEDERAL GODDAMN JUDGE, so no, my dear, I will not appear on your weird-ass reality dating show.”

Lunch goes well, and the family seems to really like Peter. He tells them how much he cares about Rachel. She looks very happy. They look very happy, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Peter tells Rachel’s mom, Kathy — who I love, because she’s just as skeptical and pointed about this show as I am — that he isn’t going to propose to Rachel, so he’s not going to ask for her blessing. Instead, he asks for her blessing to continue dating Rachel.

Most Bachelorette moms would be pissed about this, given that all Rachel wants is a rock. But Kathy is a smart, level-headed woman, and tells Peter she very much appreciates that he doesn’t want to marry Rachel immediately because (she doesn’t say this, but I get the vibe that this is what she means) who the hell gets married after two months of dating on a reality show? She does warn him, however, not to hurt her daughter.

Rachel’s dog Copper is back! Remember? From one of the first episodes? Man, I wondered what he was up to. His leg, which used to be in a cast, seems to be somewhat healed. Although now I’m wondering whether Copper is Rachel’s dog that her family is taking care of while she’s away or her family’s dog ... whatever, a dog is a dog, and I’m just glad to see Copper is doing well.

The weird thing about meeting Rachel’s family this way is that the three dudes have to stay in a hotel together. Normally after hometowns, they never see each other again except at rose ceremonies. But this time, they have to hang out. I think it must totally suck to have to sit there with your girlfriend’s two other boyfriends knowing they’re soon going to have sex with her, too.

Peter agrees with me.

“What’s awkward is having to sit her with her other boyfriend and know that her other boyfriend is meeting her family,” he says to Bryan. “I don’t want to be sitting here with you right now, I’m not going to lie.”

I wouldn’t want to be sitting there with Bryan, either. Bryan annoys the hell out of me.

Eric is as freaked out as Peter was calm. The whole story line with Eric this season has been that he’s never had a serious relationship before, and that he hasn’t been in love, so of course that’s what the family spends most of the time talking about.

Rachel and Eric are goofier together than Rachel and Peter are. But Rachel is also clearly more into Peter; I get friend vibes when she hangs out with Eric. Her family kind of picks up on this, too, though they seem to like him. Her sister Constance asks Eric about his past and seems a little concerned that he’s so inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but kind of shrugs it off.

Eric asks Kathy for her daughter’s hand in marriage. Kathy is clearly still not into this whole thing at all but she’s like whatever, sure, I guess, I trust Rachel. Do whatever.

Bryan drives me up the goddamn wall. I just find him smarmy, annoying, and cocky, laced with underlying insecurity. His whole personality crawls under my skin and makes me want to give him a swirlie.

Also, his clothes are terrible. Besides the sick watch Rachel bought him in Geneva (she’s wearing a matching one), he’s wearing the dumbest outfit. I mean, his khakis are fine, they’re whatever, but he doesn’t even have his light blue, slightly too-big button-down tucked into his pants. I wonder if it’s one of those stupid shirts from UNTUCKit (dumb capitalization theirs), the company that makes shirts you don’t tuck in and sponsors a lot of podcasts. I hate that company. Wear a belt and tuck your goddamn shirts in like real men, guys. Jesus. It’s not that hard.

Rachel’s friends like Bryan, I think, which kind of bums me out. Rachel’s like, “I thought he was a douchebag at first” and I’m like, hmmm, he still might be.

Things get tense for a while, because Rachel’s mom grills Bryan about whether he’d choose his wife’s side or his mom’s side in an argument, and he hesitates before saying his wife. He tells Constance he loves the family, and she’s like, how can you say you love us when you’ve known us for an hour and a half? And how could you say you thought of Rachel as your girlfriend after knowing her for two weeks?

Both valid questions. Bryan kind of word salads his way through, with Bachelorette speak about love and trust and how fast timelines are possible because everything is so intense. Rachel isn’t thrilled with her family’s inquisition.

I’m working from my parents’ house this week, so my mom is watching the show with me. She’s making the most disgusted faces at the TV and fist-pumping when Rachel’s mom lays down the law.

“It’s like a fairy tale,” she says. “You go to the king and say, ‘Want me to annex another kingdom in exchange for your daughter?’ How do they think this is going to work?”

Wise words, Deb.

This is the part of the season where I always realize how strange the circumstances of this show are. These people have been living in a world without their phones, without outside news sources, without any distractions, so the only thing they can think about is their emotions. They spend hours obsessing over each other and then convincing themselves that it’s love (which it could be, but, I mean) before rushing headlong to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

The families, meanwhile, are like, whoah ... this is not normal. And then the Bachelorette and her bachelors spend a bunch of time being like, “I know this doesn’t seem normal, but trust me, it’s real ...” and the family is like no, you’re not hearing us, THIS IS SUPER NOT NORMAL!

The Bachelor/ette franchise is basically summer camp. You fall in love after three days and think you’ll be together forever, only to get back to school and realize Paul, who’s gone home to California, is not worth dating long-distance and looks better with a tan. But in the show’s case, booze is encouraged rather than hidden under bunk beds.

Anyway, Bryan asks Kathy for her daughter’s hand in marriage (which, for the second week in a row, makes me yell, “WE MUST DISMANTLE THE PATRIARCHY!” at the television — my mother nods) and Kathy’s like sure, whatever.

OK, now we finally get to the Fantasy Suite section of this episode, which is the part I was excited for. But I’m worried we won’t get to all three because there’s not a ton of time left in the episode.

“Never did I ever think I would feel this way about three men at the same damn time,” says Rachel, as she traipses through the square of a Spanish town near wine country.

I don’t believe her. Because I think she’s super into Peter.

Eric and Rachel have a lovely date where he tells her he loves her. The whole thing is boring and predictable. Eric does say, however, that Rachel challenges him, and that is he wants that in a partner. I’m like, hell yeah, Eric. I’m here for this. Men who can’t handle and don’t choose to be with strong women can go soak their heads as far as I’m concerned.

Eric also seems to have undergone a lot of personal growth this season — I know I shit all over this show, but maybe, for Eric, it’s been good. He’s talking about his emotions and being vulnerable in a way that could end up being allowing him to be open for his next relationship (because I really don’t think he wins).

Rachel wants to sleep with Eric, because she pulls out the card that Chris Harrison has handwritten, announcing that if she and Eric want to, they can bang. I want to compare past cards from other seasons to see if Chris Harrison’s handwriting, or if the handwriting changes. I don’t think Chris actually writes these. I bet some intern does it.

The morning after Rachel and Eric sleep together isn’t as funny as I want it to be. There’s a quick shot of a rumpled up bed (wink, wink) and we see Rachel in another onesie pajama suit. It’s gray this time and lacks penguins. But other than that they just go get coffee. They don’t even tell us how the supposed sex was. Womp, womp.

Peter and Rachel meet up on the streets of Spain, and I wonder if Peter knows she may have just banged Eric. I’d be so jealous if I made it to this point; I’d be like HAVE YOU ALREADY BANGED YOUR OTHER BOYFRIENDS AND IF SO DO I NEED TO KILL THEM? I PROBABLY DO. WHERE ARE THEY?

But Peter is chiller than I am and doesn’t bring it up. They go to a vineyard, where Rachel tells the camera that she’s worried about Peter’s hesitation, and then an old dude who owns the vineyard tells them how much he loves his old wife. He sings to them and gives them their own wine cave.

Peter starts to tell Rachel how he doesn’t think he’ll be able to propose to her, but they get interrupted by a delightful little Spanish girl that the producers definitely didn’t plant as a diversion, so the rest of the date continues without any Serious Conversations. They stomp grapes and make out. It’s all very sexy.

Peter saved the cork from a wine bottle they finished at the vineyard, and tells Rachel it’s his parent’s tradition to save the cork from special occasions and write something on it. She writes, “To many firsts.” But then she’s like so, we need to talk about the fact that all I want at the end of this is to be engaged, and you ... don’t.

(Quick aside: There are few things worse in a relationship than having to be like, so, we need to talk about a potentially unsolvable problem that neither of us are going to budge on. Woof. Poor Rachel and Peter)

Rachel says she could’ve had just a boyfriend if she stayed home, but that she’s here because she wants a husband. She says she doesn’t expect to get married right now, or even a year from now, but she wants to be engaged. Peter’s like, well to me, getting engaged is basically getting married. It just means you need to set a date and do the damn thing, and I’m not sure I’m ready to get married to you, because we’ve only dated in a fake bubble for two months.

I think they both want the same thing, technically, but Rachel just needs that ring. Maybe she thinks that she’ll be a failure if she doesn’t come away with some diamond-y hardware. Maybe this is more about winning for her than it is what she actually wants in a relationship. Or maybe she really does want the title of fiancé! But I just think it would be stupid to choose someone else who’s willing to give her a ring over someone who you really want to end up with.

Rachel and Peter come to a stand still where neither of them are willing to say that they’ll change their mind. Rachel is crying and doesn’t know what to say. I feel so bad for her. Peter isn’t saying anything. Rachel says to the camera in an aside, “This is my first time ever thinking Peter and I may not work out.”

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! WHAT WILL THEY DO?! I think this is a pump fake. I can’t see a world in which Peter doesn’t win, but now I’m all confused, because I don’t know how they work this out if neither of them will compromise. But they have to; I bet Peter is eventually like fine, fine, fine, I’ll give you a ring.

In other news, why do we always want the ones who make it difficult for us?