The ‘Bachelorette’ finale: I can’t believe how bad that was

Welcome back, Sports Bachelor Nation. This is it — our Super Bowl, our World Series, our NBA Finals, our NHL Playoffs.

THIS IS: THE BACHELORETTE FINALE!

I’m usually pretty excited about the final episode, if only because it means I’ll get my Monday nights back once the damn thing is over. But the show hasn’t been super fun this season. The producers used racism as a main source of drama throughout the doldrums (which is what I call episodes 3-7, where no one really cares that much), and Rachel is clearly more into Peter than she is into any of the other guys. However: The last time we left them, Peter couldn’t tell Rachel he would, with 100% certainty, be able to propose to her, so things are looking precarious for him.

I still think Peter wins, but I’m not super excited about it. Because he’s not, like, the best (he is very attractive, but he has dabbled in casual racism, and he does speak like a Midwestern robot.) However: The other option is that Bryan wins, and Bryan wore an ombre outfit in public where humans with eyes could ACTUALLY SEE HIM.

I’m serious:

That’s a crime against humanity.

With all that said, let’s do the damn thing.

Oh my God. This is a level of uncomfortable I have seldom seen in all my three seasons as a Bachelor/ette sportswriter: They’re making Rachel watch the finale in front of a live studio audience. She has to talk to Chris “Crest Whitestrips” Harrison about what’s happening as it happens. The questions he poses sound like he just read Therapy for Dummies and wants to give psychoanalysis a try (“And how did that make you feel, Rachel?”)

This reminds me of the time they ambushed her with four of her suitors on live television at the beginning of her season. She’s like, “Why do you keep doing this to me?” and Chris “Airbrush Makeup” Harrison is like, “Because you’re so good.”

So the lesson here, folks, is: If you’re the Bachelorette, be boring and not cool. Because if you’re charismatic and charming on live TV, then they make you do shit like having your ex-boyfriends in the room as you rewatch yourself break up with them.

We’re still in Spain. We left Rachel and Peter on their fantasy suite date, aka, the first time they’re allowed to bang. Rachel is crying because Peter says he isn’t sure he can propose, and Peter is sad because he can’t tell her he could propose after two months of dating. This feels like the beginning stage of the merry-go-round ride that is an unsolvable argument with a significant other. You know those ones? Where you talk and talk and talk and argue and argue and argue about the same thing endlessly in a horrendous circle of sameness until one of you pulls the level, hops off the ride, and pukes from dizziness?

“I hate Peter,” says my roommate, who has walked in and sat down on the couch after never having seen an episode of this show.

Peter says he’s still fighting for this, and Rachel says she is, too. She cries. He says that her crying and showing emotion about his not wanting to propose makes him feel like he’s closer to being able to propose. I think that seems a little manipulative. Rachel gives Peter the fantasy suite key because she clearly wants to sleep with him. He accepts. The morning after, they’re both like, “Yeah, that was a step forward,” and it seems like Peter is still in this. Which I take to mean the sex was good.

“How can he say nothing in so many words?” my roommate asks. I tell him that’s a dish known as Bachelorette Word Salad, and it’s best served cold. He shakes his head.

I still think Peter wins.

Rachel is clearly super into Peter because she phones it in with Bryan on this date. Bryan is wearing a henley that’s too big for him, because of course he is.

My roommate is confused. He only just figured out that Bryan and Peter aren’t the same person. On the TV, Bryan is like, “Why are you being weird?” and Rachel says something that I miss completely because I’m too busy telling my roommate that Bryan and Peter aren’t the same person.

Bryan says, as they head into the fantasy suite, that he’s excited about “that last wall to break down,” which is a weird way to describe sex.

Rachel sends Eric home, which sucks, because Eric is a better dude than both of these jabronis. But we all knew this would happen, mostly because we forgot about Eric while all of this drama with Peter and smarminess with Bryan was going down.

They bring Eric out on live TV. He looks great! He tells Rachel that he’s grateful she helped him open up to the possibility of love. She says he’s a beautiful person. I agree. Good luck out there, Eric.

We cut back to the rose ceremony, where Bryan, and Rachel, and Peter are all drinking wine and looking depressed. Bryan, to the camera, is like “Now I have to win her heart,” and appears as though he would like to murder Peter. Peter doesn’t really seem that threatened by Bryan, because Bryan is a sleazy chiropractor and Peter is a hot personal trainer. What if Bryan just takes out a knife and stabs Peter at the rose ceremony? That would be so wild.

Rachel rides horses and goes on a hot air balloon ride for her last date with Bryan before the Big Decision. I don’t understand how hot air balloons work. How do you land these things?

Huh. Interesting! But I digress.

Bryan’s kisses are gross. He’s trying to swallow Rachel’s whole face. He’s wearing that watch she bought him in Geneva as they make out in the air. Hmm, OK. Maybe Bryan wins.

Ugh, what if Bryan wins!?

“I would spend the rest of my life loving you,” Bryan says. He’s laying it on pretty thick — he gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary full of words like, “wife,” “forever,” and “leap of faith.” I’d be breaking out in hives if someone gave me that, but Rachel so badly wants a ring after all of this that she seems into it.

Bryan tells her she’d be making a mistake if she didn’t choose him. I hate when men say that — it’s like, uh, that’s not your call to make, dude. You’d be making a mistake if you weren’t cool enough to make me want to stay.

This show is bananas. My roommate shakes his head and leaves the house.

Rachel and Peter go to a monastery for their date, which seems unfair, given that Bryan got to go on a hot air balloon ride. A monk says, “It is very important not to give importance to things that are not important.”

The wires in my brain get so crossed as I try to figure out if this means anything or not that my head explodes and this recap is over.

Peter goes into a tailspin after the monk date. He tells Rachel that he didn’t expect to truly care about someone when he went on this show and that it’s all happening really fast. He says he’s serious about her but he just can’t commit that fully yet, though he hopes to someday. Rachel is crying — she’s like, “You talk about a dog and what kind of bed we’re going to get, this future with a wife, but when it comes to the reality of this and where we are right now, it’s like you don’t want to face it. It’s like steps are skipped.”

“I do. I want to make those steps, but in time,” says Peter. Rachel says she can’t trust this because all of her past relationships have ended when the guy couldn’t fully commit. I think this is a bit different, though — I know the point of the show is to go on it and propose, but if you don’t truly think that’ll happen, the way Peter didn’t, I can’t fault you for balking when you realize how real it gets at the end. I mostly say this because I can see myself totally freaking out if I went on the show as a joke and then accidentally made it to the point where there was a good chance I’d win the whole thing.

On the other hand, if Peter really does want to keep Rachel, he should’ve figured out that an engagement is what it would take. They could sort out the details later and just pretend they’re dating for a few years, except she’s wearing a ring. Because that’s how the show works, and Rachel has proved that she follows the rules of the show.

My sympathy flies out the window when Peter tells Rachel that if she can’t accept that he can’t propose, she can “go find someone to have a mediocre life with.” This may be true, given that her other option is Bryan, who has an embarrassing Instagram account and mommy issues. But still — that’s a mean thing to say and Rachel is sobbing, and Peter is making this seem like her fault. It’s not. She has the weight of a narrative arc on her back. It’s everyone’s fault. It’s America’s fault. It’s the producer’s fault. It’s my damn fault.

Things escalate. They’re both sobbing. Rachel leaves and Peter goes, “What is wrong with me?” She walks down the street in Spain in the pouring rain, and I’m pretty sure this is it for Peter.

NOOOOOOOOOO does this mean Dr. Bryan With-a-Y wins the show!?

Oh my God.

No.

This can’t be happening.

Bryan can’t win.

Peter’s not great but, oh my God, Bryan can’t win.

Back on the live stage, Chris “Tailored Within an Inch of His Life” Harrison is like, welp, you guys had a weird breakup, huh? And Rachel, who looks shell-shocked, is like.... yeah.

The cameras cut to Peter, who’s sitting backstage crying, and NOW THEY’RE BRINGING HIM OUT, OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE ABOUT TO MAKE RACHEL AND PETER TALK TO EACH OTHER ON LIVE TELEVISION FOR THE FIRST TIME AFTER THAT BREAKUP; THIS IS A NEW LEVEL OF CRUEL.

Is there a chance there’s a huge plot twist and Rachel ends up choosing Peter after all? I’m stress eating so much granola, which is very stale because I’ve been on vacation for two weeks and haven’t had a chance to buy food yet.

“It was incredibly difficult,” says Peter, when Chris “Let’s Use ‘I’ Statements” Harrison asks him what it was like to watch that. “I knew this was going to be a hard experience. To go from the way that we parted to complete silence was hard. It brought me all back into it, full go. I’m shaking like a leaf right now. I’m terrified.”

Peter apologizes for saying he hopes Rachel has a mediocre life. Rachel says, “I’m living my best life,” but she looks miserable. The color has drained from Peter’s face, and I’m reminded of this tweet:

Rachel tells Peter she was frustrated with him, and it seems like they’re about to hop back on that pointless argument merry-go-round, but then Peter tells Rachel that he felt attacked when she told him just now that she was frustrated. I’m like, WTF dude? He keeps trying to turn the argument around on Rachel, who’s being prickly because of course she is, because this must be extremely painful for both of them.

Peter also says that he had to step over the false eyelashes that she cried off in his room for two days before he could leave Spain because the producers wouldn’t clean them up, and “he wasn’t about to.” I hope he means that he didn’t want to part with them, sentimentally, rather than just not bending down to pick something up.

We leave the live set and we’re back in Spain, where Rachel is getting ready to tell Bryan she wants him to propose to her today after her devastating breakup with Peter. She’s like, “This feels a little soon off the heels of that breakup with Peter,” and I’m like YA THINK!?

Bryan proposes and spews some smarmy garbage. Rachel acts like she’s happy but there’s no real light in her eyes, and it seems more like she won a sports game than just made a huge life decision that she feels truly joyful about.

I can’t believe that Rachel has to pick Bryan just because Peter won’t agree to marry her immediately. She clearly wants Peter more than she wants Dr. Miami, but she also says this:

“It’s the damaged connections that have offered me the chance to always run away. When I met you it seemed too perfect. And I was trying to find cracks in what seemed like the perfect foundation. I really, really had to do some soul-searching, deeper than I ever have before to find the courage to challenge myself.”

I get that. But I refuse to believe that relationships exists on a binary scale where your options are someone you’re super into who’s unavailable vs. someone who’s fine, you guess, but dependable. I think that there are people out there who you will be crazy about and who will be crazy about you in equal measure without being dicks.

Maybe that’s overly hopeful. But while there may only be two fish in this reality show pond, there are many fish in the big world sea. In other words: RACHEL, THERE IS STILL TIME. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS!

Which is why this show is so stupid — the woman ends up feeling cornered and like she must come away with a ring, even if none of the guys is truly a good option, because that’s how these things work. If she doesn’t, she won’t get to be on the cover of People and put up the sappy post-Bachelorette Instagram posts (which, as of Tuesday morning, Bryan has done, but Rachel still hasn’t). This might be entertainment, and they might “know what they’re getting into,” but it’s also people’s real lives, and that will always feel strange to me.

The comments on this are pretty good:

Rachel has said “journey” enough times this season to prove that she totally drank the Bachelorette Kool-Aid (her Instagram bio even says “Kool-Aid in a wine glass”), so I guess we lost her to the madness a while ago. It’s like watching someone get brainwashed.

What about her family who hated Bryan, and what about Bryan’s mom who hates any woman who comes close to him?

Is Bryan’s mom hiding behind the couch with a knife held between her teeth right now?

Ugh.

This made me sad. I had such high hopes for Rachel’s season; I was thrilled they’d finally cast a black lead, and I loved Rachel’s sense of humor and her charisma. But the producers went for cheap drama using racism, and she ended up getting sucked into the vortex of the mind-meld of the show, believing that this is real because you don’t have a phone, you don’t have a job, and you don’t have a life other than figuring out who to marry.

Rachel — an intelligent lawyer — chose Bryan by process of elimination. He’s smarmy and doesn’t seem particularly smart or funny. This feels like our heroine lost the game — like our team blew a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl. I hope that if she wakes up one day and is like, “Oh, God, what have I done?” she leaves him.

It’s even sadder when you look at Peter’s Instagrams over the past few months knowing he was posting these without being able to talk to Rachel, and she just had to see them, like some social media torture machine:

On the flip side, if I’m being cynical and terrible and Rachel and Bryan are truly happy: mazel tov.

And good luck, Rachel, dealing with your mother-in-law.