Advertisers aren’t allowed to lie to customers. Lays™ can’t take a bag of Cheetos™, scrawl, “These are healthier than lettuce and will get you laid” on it, and then place it on a supermarket shelf. But the whole “don’t bullshit consumers” thing was clearly a real wrench in the gears for whomever came up with Thursday Night Football’s new slogan. How do you — without misleading people about the quality — sell the sports equivalent of a crushed-up bag of Cheetos™?
15 suggestions for a better ‘Thursday Night Football’ slogan
“Thursday Night Football: When It’s On, It’s On” just isn’t cutting it.
Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports
Apparently, like this:
‘THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL’: WHEN IT’S ON, IT’S ON.
I saw this new tagline for the first time on Monday night when the Giants played the Lions (which was its own version of crushed up Cheetos™, except probably worse, given that the Giants forgot how to catch footballs).
I was stunned. This strategy tells you nothing about what you’re watching other than the fact that you’re watching it. It might as well have been, “Football: It’s here!” Or, “The thing you’re watching: It’s football!” Or, “Your television is turned on and here’s some sports!” Or just: “Football: Football!”
Look, TNF is bad. The thing about Sundays is that you might have a shitty 1 p.m. game, but the trash-ness of the matchup is less glaring because you also have other shitty 1 p.m. games to distract from the specific kind of garbage that first one displays. But there’s only one game on each Thursday night. So for example, when the Titans played the Jaguars last year, there was no escaping the crumbs.
And not only that, but, thanks to Color Rush™ uniforms, players play these bad games wearing the football version of footie pajamas. Multiple people in multiple C-suites, from the NFL to Nike, had to sign off on gear that makes players look like anthropomorphized Cheetos™ or the squiggly green worms from James and the Giant Peach or Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc.
Look:
Anyway. All I’m saying is that if football being on is the only thing you can say about a football game being on, maybe you should work on improving the quality of the football. Or maybe, like, try harder in your brainstorming session. It’s not that difficult.
Check it out: I’ve come up with a few slogans that I think would sell ‘Thursday Night Football’ a little better than what we’re currently working with.
“Thursday Night Football: It’s A Rush!”
“Thursday Night Football: It’s A Rush...of COLOR!!!! *Finger guns*”
“Thursday Night Football: An Excuse To Drink!”
“Thursday Night Football: At Least You’re Not At Work!”
“Thursday Night Football: Unless You Are At Work, In Which Case, At Least You Have A Distraction!”
“Thursday Night Football: Unless You Are At Work, In Which Case, At Least You Have A Distraction, Unless You’re A Sportswriter, In Which Case, Sorry”
“Thursday Night Football: Cheetos™!”
“Thursday Night Football: Thursday Night Football!”
“Thursday Night Football: If You Looked At The Solar Eclipse With Glasses You’re Not A Real Football Guy!”
“Thursday Night Football: When It’s On, It’s ... Fuck, Man, It’s Just Fucking On, OK?!”
“Thursday Night Football: Ben McAdoo’s New Hair Is Keeping Me Up At Night!”
“Thursday Night Football: Time Is a Meaningless Construct So Who Cares, Let’s Watch Some Sports!”
“Thursday Night Football: LOL Nothing Matters!”
“Thursday Night Football: *Endless Gargling Sounds*!”
“Thursday Night Football: OHHHHHH SUNNNDAY NIIIIIIIIIGHHHTTT!”
If anyone at the NFL reads this, let me know if you want me to sit in on marketing meetings next year. I’m only trying to lend a hand. I just want to help you be better.
Honestly.
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