I’m a Boston fan and I don’t care that the Red Sox cheated

I’m from Boston, and I’m a Boston sports fan, and I’m a total piece of shit.

That’s right. I heard the news about how the Red Sox used an Apple Watch (nerds!) to steal signs from the Yankees, and you know what? I don’t care.

You think this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s tired, shameless back? You think my moral sports compass isn’t already sitting at the bottom of a Dunkin’ Donuts double-cupped Iced Regular? You think that if I bought a ticket to the Patriots’ hit film Spygate, I’m not going to sit through 2 Spy 2 Gate? You think I’m jumping ship after I stuck around for Deflategate, the most boring, longest movie in the history of sports scandals?

NO. I’m still here, motherfuckers, and I’m leaning in. I’m a Boston fan, and I’m a goddamn villain. DEAL WITH IT.

[*Puts sunglasses on*]

I’m at the bar yelling sure, the Red Sox were cheating, but so was everybody else! You expect the team to just ignore technological advancements? This isn’t John Farrell’s fault! This is Steve Jobs’ fault! This is Tim Cook’s fault! This is Bill Gates’ fault! This is the Yankees’ fault for being dumb enough to do signals where the replay guys could film them! We’re innovators! WE’RE COMPETITORS! YOU THINK YOU GET THREE WORLD SERIES RINGS SINCE 2004 BY BEING WUSSES?!

[*Holds up World Series rings*]

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

[*Catches baseball from Matt Damon, starts strutting around Fenway Park*]

I’m scum. I’m trash. I’m the Bad Kid in the ‘90s sports movie with the gelled cowlick who trips the Adorable Kid with the mushroom cut and steals his lunch money before dunking on him at recess. I’m the asshole who leaves the bar at 2 a.m. without saying goodbye to her friends and sticks them with the bill after eating most of the nachos and drinking at least ten more High Lifes than anyone else. I’m the boyfriend who tells you he sucks and then claims “you knew what you were getting into” when he cheats on you.

[*Takes steroids*]

You wanna know what else? Deflategate was a set-up. And if it wasn’t, the ballboys did it. Tom Brady? He’s never broken a rule in his life. Avocado ice cream is delicious. I smash my phone every few months, too. I cut the sleeves off all my sweatshirts. Babe Ruth was a traitor.

[*Throws Dunkin’ cup on the ground, steps on it, keeps walking*]

Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving will stop LeBron in the playoffs. The earth is flat. Taxes are a racket, so I don’t pay them. I steal $500s from the bank when I play Monopoly, and if you catch me, I’ll tell you there was nothing stopping you from doing the same thing.

[*Throws ball to self, knocks home run out of the park*]

I copied my SAT answers from the valedictorian of my high school class, and I lifted paragraphs from Wikipedia pages for every college paper I ever wrote. I own a YANKEES SUCK T-shirt, and I stole it.

[*Checks Apple watch*]

Well, it’s time to go slash the tires on every car I can find with New York plates. See you later, losers.

[*Drowns in a sea of self-loathing*]